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"a fine line between losing and being defeated" - a significant experience...

happygolucky 1 / 10  
Dec 28, 2010   #1
My essay probably sucks/I'm not very good with grammer/sentences so if anyone can help with my idea and edit i will really appreciate!! Please and thank you! so much! Honest opinion is appreciated.

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Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

The sun had barely fully awakened before I was dressed in my crisp white uniform and ready to go. I was nervous but extremely excited after training for months for this. The annual New Jersey Genbu- kai Karate Tournament was my first tournament. I was ready; I knew all the Katas by heart and mind: Kihon, Pinan Nidan, Pinan Shodan etc.; I also had practiced the Bo weapons kata extensively. Karate Kata is a specified series of a variety of moves that is done while visualizing enemy attacks and their responses.

After edits:

Her bright hazel eyes seemed to sparkle with confidence as we shook hands on the mat. The referee stepped back and said, "Shobu Hajime! (Match Begin!)". So we began. Within less than five seconds, her bo (padded wooden staff) came down hard on my helmet. It came down so quickly I did not even see it. As the referee shouted the point that she had won, I tried to remember all the moves and techniques I had learned in the katas (sets of movements) and sparring. As the referee shouted "Hajime! (Begin!)" again, I tried to raise my bo up and block hers from hitting my upper body. While I barely blocked her attack, she attacked me in the shin. I was flustered and frustrated with my ineffective blocks.

This annual New Jersey Genbu- kai Karate Tournament was my first tournament. I thought I was ready. I knew all the katas by heart and mind and I had practiced the bo weapon katas extensively. I was very confident and I thought I would win just a few moments before this match.

This went on until she had gotten four points of the total twelve. Her speed was obviously her strongest point. Before the referee called for us to start again, I looked past her shoulder and saw my sensei (teacher) watching me calmly with encouragement from afar, I realized that I could not just let myself lose without a fight. I took a deep breath and calmed down; I then noticed that she never attacked the same place twice in a row. She probably realized that with my frustration I naturally paid more attention to the place where I had just been struck. I could not just be in a passive and defensive position; I needed to be able to attack back and take control. With this in mind, after she hit my helmet, I saw a weakness when her attention was on my lower body; I quickly took this chance to strike on her helmet before she hit me in the shin. My teammates on the sidelines began to cheer. I kept the tactic up and delivered three more successful attacks that put the score at 4- 6. She obviously was a little uneasy and hesitated before her next move, but she managed to use the advantage of her speed to win back another point before the match ended with me scoring the final point to bring the final score to 5-7.

So I lost. I knew all the punches, kicks, attacks, and defenses and thought I was well prepared but still I had lost. I wiped the sweat off my forehead and trudged off the mat, my teammates came over around me, some tried to comfort me and my sensei said that several of my attacks were very good and precise. As I sat down back to our teams' resting area, the announcer began reading the names of the winners from that event. I was not one of them, though I had been so sure of myself just a short while ago.

In retrospect, I have learned that just because I had the knowledge of the movements did not mean that I was capable of applying them to a real competition situation. Knowing the knowledge is essential, but it is not enough. I must be able to apply it in order to be successful, also be able to change strategies quickly while assessing constantly changing situations. Although I lost the karate match, I have gained a lesson from this. I know in this fast changing world, In order to be successful, I must always try to think one step ahead.

Like Benjamin Disraeli once said: All my successes have been built on my failures". There is a fine line between losing and being defeated but that fine line can only be distinguished through my own perception. My power to choose to overcome and learn from my failure prepares me to stand strong in society. Although I lost, I was not defeated. Not only was I not defeated, it has just made me stronger, more adaptive, and ready to take on more challenges.
lynsiecheri 5 / 12 4  
Dec 28, 2010   #2
I would say explain some of the terms you're using. As someone who doesn't know much about Karate or the different movements, I kind of got lost in the different terms being used.

Paragraph 2: "Inch closer to perfection"

Paragraph 3: "Full proof plan"?

Paragraph 3: Look at your pronouns. You went from saying her match to him. Clarify that. Also "I think" needs to change to "I thought about it..."

Shobu Hajime...we don't know what that means...you have to take into consideration what I said before. If you use a term, you need to define it.

Paragraph 5 is good!

Paragraph 6: I must be able to apply "it" - tell us what it is. Also the sentence towards the end that says ...keep up; i would end that sentence with that.

Very very nice ending. It wrapped up the purpose of the essay well.

Btw, my deadline is in 4days too. I totally feel your pain lol

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