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What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet


Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 17, 2009   #1
There is no reason for this, I am just trying to learn (geek!). I googled what a sonnet was, so now I am trying to write one :) I can't seem to come up with the last two lines...the couplet?? So have at it, tear it to shreds, bring it on! but be nice, teehee!

OK, so eight lines and then change the rhymes for the last six lines...using IP all the while.

What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?
The poorest of the lot deserves a break.
What wicked teeth you hide behind and smudge;
those purest souls lay ruined in your wake.
Was God forgot within your quest for fame?
Or did indeed your own soul chose to shrivel?
Did pride and lust declare your very name
while gleefully proclaiming 'naught but drivel?

Speak behind that smile that hides your color;
closed lips speak truer than an open drain.
When 'ugly' tempts you, use your hand to smother
those wicked, blackened, teeth that do remain.
(couplet needed here- is couplet the right term?? Two last lines...)

I appreciate any advise about the form. Don't pay any attention to the content (unless you want to come up with the last two lines, haha!) I just made it up quick-like to fill the spaces of the sonnet, so it is just...well, doo-doo ;).

Blue skies!
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Dec 17, 2009   #2
interesting idea. blocking out your own feelings or something? is that what this was about? or did I get a wrong idea. I'm not sure you have to make each line a separate clause. you don't do that ALL the time, but most. it's fine I guess. about the couplet:

When some calamity drives you away,
tis best to open up and not decay.
ER. ahahah. I'm not good at poetry. was this for someone? did you want a stronger couplet? ;]

edit* after rereading..that attempt (my attempt) failed haha. i'm gonna try again maybe.
OP Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 17, 2009   #3
No, haha! I just started writing and this is what came out (Freudian?? Bad attitude?) Who knows. I just wanted to play with the rhythm of IP and write it as a sonnet. That's why I said to disregard the content because it's crap-py...I will discard it as soon as it's usefulness has ended. haha! I need some inspiration. I need to go see some more sonnets. Can you recommend any? I know Shakespeare was the king, but I need to start simpler...

Thanks, jonathan!

interesting idea. blocking out your own feelings or something?

Oh, BTW, I was thinking about mean people who look down on good people because they want to make themselves feel better. I wonder if it is possible that this poem brought out Rajiv's evilness?? No, I don't believe in that kind of mumbo jumbo...or do I? Look at the timeline, though, weird...(See our forum for explanation. ;))

I'm not sure you have to make each line a separate clause. you don't do that ALL the time, but most

Yeah, it is very sing-songy. I am hoping to learn it well enough to understand how to quit that...I am counting syllables on my fingers still. :)
autumnwave 11 / 35  
Dec 17, 2009   #4
Jeannie, I have already read your sonnet. But I'm sorry because I'm not equal enough to comment on your sonnet.

I know literature is meaningful, therefore I like it so much and I realize you also love literature like me. I hope that my English will improve as fast as possible to understand throughly all what you mean.

-Please explain me this following sentence in your sonnet. I feel it's hard to understand to me.

*I really need you help some different sentences (if you could) such as:

the first tree said, "Someday I hope to be a treasure chest... I could be decorated with intricate carving
( could you explain me what "treasure chest", "intricate carving" are)[/b]

The ship said:I will take kings and queens [b]across the waters and sail to the corners of the world


I think "across the water" means: across the sea; and "the corners of the world" means everywhere the world is, right or wrong, Jeannie?

Please help me, Jeannie. I wish I had your e-mail to contact with you more regularly
Thank you so much

Blue skies!
OP Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 17, 2009   #5
the first tree said, "Someday I hope to be a treasure chest... I could be decorated with intricate carving
( could you explain me what "treasure chest", "intricate carving" are)
The ship said:I will take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world

I think "across the water" means: across the sea; and "the corners of the world" means everywhere the world is, right or wrong, Jeannie?

It is metaphor (pretty words that compare something to the real thing). In the first case, the woman is wishing she was a treasure chest - a metaphor for someone who is filled with lovely and valuable things. In the second, she says that she will have intricate carvings- meaning she will have much knowledge and experience. Intricate means precise, and you know what carving means...to make cuts into something. Life cuts experiences, good and bad, into your soul, and you are like an intricately carved treasure chest in the end! :)

You are exactly right in the second example. The strange thing about metaphor is that it is left for the reader to interpret; sometimes it is very clear, but sometimes it is shaded with subtlety (hints about the emotional state of the writer). In this case, the ship seems to be boasting.

Ba, It would be easier if you e-mailed me at brokeenough@aol.com because I would love to help with your English! It is fun for me; it makes me think about things in my language that I take for granted and helps me learn to explain things more clearly (I want to be a teacher someday...if I ever get out of school, I'll be old and grey! ...I made a rhyme teehee!). Plus, I can use media to enhance my explanations since I don't know Vietnamese! :) I could even send you a Power Point presentation, Haha!

Blue skies! Jeannie
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Dec 17, 2009   #6
When you're wearing a coat that is weathered away, and someone comes along, rips it off.. or stabs at it.. don't cling to it for the warmth it gave you or the cover it gave to your dress beneath.. the one you so self-consciously wear. Underneath we all have limitless layers, waiting to see the light of the sun. Shed it unashamedly now, the stranger may be only a friend !
OP Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 17, 2009   #7
Are you actually stalking me, Rajiv?? Seriously, I am not that worthy. But I understand that you might be intrigued by me; my personality and style is overwhelmingly nice while yours is just bordering on a personality disorder.

If you continue on in this flagrantly unprofessional manner, I will be forced to take steps to see that you are censored.

Embrace harmony or shut up, you are boring me now.

Sincerely (<that, my nemesis, is paradoxically insincere),

Jeannie
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Dec 17, 2009   #8
Sorry .. hadn't read your -- Gun-Shy-- essay. You're right about that. Mistook you for an older, more mature person..

My apologies.
autumnwave 11 / 35  
Dec 17, 2009   #9
Jeannie, you are very kind with me. I greatly appreciate your kindness. I'm very happy to make friend with you.

You are the second person help me as a teacher. When I was student in high school there also had a good friend help me like you. Due to her encourage, I could overcome my ignorance to go to University. Therefore, I never forget her. From the bottom of my heart, I always consider her my sister. Even though, she and I rarely meet together but I hope her to happy for always.

From now to then, I had more pleasure from you. In company with my parents, my brothers, she and you are angels in my life. I thank for life carrying to me that.

Blue skies!
Notoman 20 / 419  
Dec 17, 2009   #10
Nice stab! The sing-song nature works. Iambic pentameter is supposed to have that effect. Not that I am an expert by any means (having only written one sonnet in my life), but let me share with you a little about the form I have learned in my Shakespeare class this year.

The first stanza is generally exposition, the second gives further details or maybe a anecdote, and the third might provide some kind of conflict. The couplet (you had the right terminology here) wraps things up. Shakespeare liked to introduce some kind of play on words in the couplet--they were often a bit ironic. Shakespeare packed a lot into his sonnets. In fact, part of the fun (challenge?) is seeing just how much you can say in limited syllables. Set the stage, tell the story, back up the story with some proof, and then conclude with a bold statement, ironic twist, or a bit of humor. Think more about what you want to say before trying to tackle the rhyme (teehee, I count on my fingers too).

I tried to write a quick sonnet to go along with yours, but I can't! They are not that easy.

I know that I told you to brush up on your sonnets so you could help me polish mine. I am glad to see you took me seriously, *grin* I ended up using a different piece of writing for my final project because sentences are easier than stanzas.

Mistook you for an older, more mature person.. My apologies.

A dart coupled with an apology doesn't count. Just because Jeannie finds your imagery disturbing doesn't mean that she is immature.
OP Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 17, 2009   #11
The first stanza is generally exposition, the second gives further details or maybe a anecdote, and the third might provide some kind of conflict.

Good info! Crimany! It is so complicated. Good thing I am learning it for fun and at my own pace...

Did your Shakespeare class get easier as you went along?

I will go read some more, and then try to write it again.

Thanks, Noto! :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 19, 2009   #12
A dart coupled with an apology doesn't count.

You have a great way with words. I think we have a Boddhisatva on our hands...
Notoman 20 / 419  
Dec 19, 2009   #13
Did your Shakespeare class get easier as you went along?

Easier? No. The workload is still oppressive and the teacher has increased expectations at the same rate that we have increased our skills, but it does look like I will swing a B. I got a 92% on my last essay! So much better than the 73%, 83%, or the 77%. Five plays and six essays in one semester ... it has been a dizzying pace!

think we have a Boddhisatva on our hands...

Ummmm ... thanks, I think, *grin* I will have to Google Boddhisatva!
OP Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 19, 2009   #14
Boddhisatva

`A NEW WORD! YAY...BRB, Ahhh! I believe you are right, Kevin, Noto missed his calling (good thing:)

Five plays and six essays in one semester ... it has been a dizzying pace!

Crimany! Which reminds me, there's a guy on here who wants ideas for his essay about King Lear. He hasn't written anything yet (I asked him to at least gimme something...we'll see), and I can't really help with the content, having never read "King Lear VI or IV...whatever...:D

Oh, I see Kevin helped him out, whew!

That 92% is cause for celebration, BTW...white chocolate!

See ya!
yvette 3 / 10  
Dec 21, 2009   #15
i tried
a
b
a
b
c
d
c
d
but i failed yours reads well
OP Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 22, 2009   #16
Hi, Yvette!
Can you tell me what the letters mean? I am just trying to learn this on my own (with the help of y'all of course(:. In fact, I only recently learned there was such a thing as meter! Not kidding.

Any insight you can give is appreciated. If you have links to sites that have more examples of sonnets or metered poetry, that would be really cool to. But first explain the ababcdcd thing.

Thanks!
Jeannie
qomoco 24 / 107  
Jan 18, 2010   #17
Jeannie
the letters are the rhyming patterns

I wrote two for my english class, how about read it and give me some comments too? I have always hated poetry but now I'm starting to like it lol

here is the Italian sonnet

Italian
Love & Hate
Shall I compare love to light, hate to dark? A
Oui, for hatred could cloud peoples' small mind. B
And love is the one to cause people blind. B
Why can love and hate be so alike-hark! A
Attitudes toward each are so unlike & dark. A
Is it easy to understand peoples' mind? B
Or is there a true way of truth to find? B
But one thing is sure, each will leave a mark. A
For love can be sweet until people lie. C
Then death cause people to shed tears of flood. D
Good God! Love is such a spell that binds. E
But hate can be so sad, cause one to die. C
It does not shed deep flood, but tears of blood. D
Devil! Why can you cast the spell that binds! E


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