Our orinial assignment was to write a peom with the theme, I forgive you for... and/or I don't forgive you for. It had to have a theme of then/now. I wrote this.
Stepmother
I can forgive you for dragging me from my bed while the street lights gleam
off the heavy security flashlight hanging from your belt
then forcing me to pick up my brothers' clothes from the bathroom floor,
to scrub the ring of dirt from the tub where my brothers bathed
I can forgive you for lashing out at me in the ER hallway
as my brothers lay immobile behind hospital white curtains,
tubes like black snakes coursing down their throats:
It's your fault, did you do it on purpose? If they die...
I can forgive you for the arguments with my father
thick like the smoke from your Marlboro Lights,
they choke me as I listen from the back seat of second-hand SUV
then, when the haze has burnt off giving me five dollars to remain silent
I can forgive you for letting me go
I can't forgive you for telling your son that he's a retard, that he's worthless.
A child who can state statistics about the Civil War, WWI and WWII,
you tell him to go play his Medal of Honor, and leave you alone,
and encouraging his own brother to do the same.
For pressuring your husband into taking three jobs,
consuming every moment of his day with work,
with cleaning your sons' messes, with cooking you dinner,
for the exhaustion in his voice: "it's Darren, leave a message"
I can't forgive you for keeping them
Now we've been giving the assignment to edit our pieces, I mainly want to take out the literal "I forgive you for/I don't forgive you for." and have those words implied, also I would like to rework the entire second stanza, and change the tense in the first stanza to past tense... are there any suggestions? I'm also open to any other critiques you would like to make.
Now we've been giving the assignment to edit our pieces, I mainly want to take out the literal "I forgive you for/I don't forgive you for." and have those words implied,
Is that part of the assignment? If so, it is a very impressive assignment! The teacher must be inspired or have good resources.
Your mastery of language is impressive. I assume that's because this poem is about real events; painful events make good writers. Well, you don't need help changing the verb tense or taking out "I forgive you for" so I hesitate to say anything that might mess with your process.
But how can you imply "I forgive you?" You can say it in different words... but is that really going to achieve your purpose? What is the purpose of this, and what is the experience it is supposed to provide for a reader? I wonder if some important truth about parenting might be revealed here. Or maybe this poem is written with your (autistic?) brother in mind... As you revise, stay focused on the specific effect you want to have on the reader.
