Full prompt: Write an essay expressing your desire to continue your education at a four-year college. Indicate the career field in which you with to study. Describe experiences you have had which have influenced your decision regarding future career. Note- The selection committee is particularly interested in significant obstacles that were overcome in order to achieve the goal of graduation
[bDo you guys think my essay is a little bit too long? [/b]
Two years ago, as a new resident of the United States, I began my sophomore year of high school when my parents and I relocated from Vietnam. Despite the many math and science skills that I already possessed from my education in Vietnam, I had to conquer the obstacles of not knowing English or how the American education system works. I was quite unprepared. I could not communicate or express myself to other people around me. At that time, my parents were unemployed, and my transferred GPA was very low owing to the challenging school curriculum in Vietnam. I worried about my likelihood of graduating high school.
However, instead of giving up, I studied very diligently. I practiced English every day after school and I went to ESOL class twice a week at the church near my house. In school, I was shy. Nevertheless, I eventually realized that the more I made friends and the more I talked with them, the better English I had.
At the end of my sophomore year, for some reason, I was called up to take the graduation tests on all four subjects without any knowledge of Social Studies and Language Arts at all. Unfortunately, I failed Language Arts and Social Studies portions that time. Then, I tried to retake them in the summer before my junior year. Again, I failed. I also failed gateway tests on both science and social studies for the first time.
I was very frustrated. However, I knew I would never give up. At the beginning of my junior year, I made an appointment to talk to my counselor to ask for some help. And yes, I was very lucky to meet Mrs. Stanescu who had taught social studies before. She was very nice and always willing to help me as long as I like to learn. Another luck was that she and I had the same advisement period. So every day, I came to her room to learn social studies. One biggest challenge was that I had never had any knowledge of U.S. History, which is the most parts of the graduation test. And not really a surprise, I failed it again. It seemed to be the biggest challenge for a non-native English speaker like me. However, Mrs. Stanescu said, "In my life, I've never seen anyone who keeps trying to achieve his goal, but doesn't become successful. You will pass it one day as long as you keep coming to my room and practice; I'm willing to help a student like you." Her words have motivated me so much, ever since. At the end of the fall of my junior year, I passed all the gateway tests and graduation tests.
Nevertheless, life is much harder than what I think. I later realized that any student in Georgia, no matter whether you are an ESOL student or not, enrolled in an EOCT course would be required to take the EOCT upon completion of that course. If you do not pass the EOCT of a course, you will need to retake it in order to graduate. Most of my teachers and friends think that these tests are completely not fair. A student like me who has lived in the country for within 2 years has to take the same tests as native English speaker. Despite of my limited English skills, I have just tried and practiced; that is the only way I could have done. With all the hard works, I have made an A on the EOCT of economic class, and a B on the ECOT of freshman language arts class.
Education has always been an important aspect of my life. I decided to take advanced placement Statistics. However, that class was not what I thought it would be. It involved a lot of reading. Knowing that I could not change my schedule, I just had to try my best in the class. I used the dictionary to translate every word that I did not know, and spent at least one hour studying for AP Statistics everyday. Later, my hard work was rewarded. I was a straight-A student in my junior year, and earned a 5 on the AP exam. The AP Statistics class proved my determination, especially for an ESOL student like me. It encouraged me to take more AP classes the following year. With my love of math and science, I applied for AP Calculus, AP Chemistry, and AP Physics C in my senior year. Despite of my limited English skills, I have been able to maintain straight A's in all of my classes. My friends and teachers are very surprised by what I have achieved over the past two years: from a non-English speaker to a straight-A student with three AP classes. The more I learn, the more I realize that I cannot stop my education in high school. I must achieve higher education - at least a bachelor degree in Science of Mechanical Engineering.
To be honest, writing this essay is also a big challenge for me. My grammars and vocabulary are quite limited so that the essay is not very competitive compared to other students. However, I always want to try. That is the only way I can see what I have achieved and learned for the past two years. Thank you for this spectacular opportunity, and I hope to be able to prove my abilities to you in the near future!
My statement: I do not "correct" essays, I just try to help giving suggestions about what could be good for me, it does not mean that you have to change the way in which your essay is wrote, I just mean to provide with options that could make your essay better, in my perspective. I might be wrong, or right, the decision is totally up to you.
I could not communicate or express myself to other people around me
Or means that is one, or another, do you think that both are necessary? what about, I could not communicate with the people around me.
I was? worried about my likelihood of graduating high school.
I developed my ? English every day after school and I went to ESOL class twice a week at the church near my house (absolutely necessary?). In school, (absolutely necessary? I would remove the comma) I was shy. Nevertheless, I eventually realized that the more I made friends and the more I (Repetition may be your style,yet I would remove it so the essay would sound more fluent, it's like if you were going backwards, you know what I mean?) talked with them, the better English I had.
Onethe? biggest challenge was that...
which is the most parts the main section/part/composition? biggest section/part? (consider that you have already used bigger, we do not want that repetition) of the graduation test.
In my life, I've never seen anyone who keeps trying to achieve his goal, but doesn't become successful.
My English teacher made to me a suggestion, do not use contractions on essays like this, it gives more style to your essay "I have never seen" than "I've"
I later realized that (perhaps switch for: Later, I realized...)
enrolled in an EOCT course would be required to take the EOCT upon completion of that course (this sentence made no sense to me, consider revising)
If you do not pass the EOCT of a course
My English teacher, as well, told me about the use of the second person in essays, she told me, YOU HAVE TO MURDER THE SECOND PERSON. She is right... you? you who? me? the one that is reading the essay?, what if I did not took that test? Do you get me?
With all the hard works (hard work, perhaps?)
at least a bachelor degree in Science of Mechanical Engineering. Sounds with a plenty of determination to achieve great things, until there, have you considered removing "at least"? it sounds conformist, they have to know what you want and what are you going to do to get it.
And, a Bachelor of Science in Mechanical Engineering. (Instead?)
Those are the corrections that found
I hope that your dreams turn into reality soon, with determination you will make it. I am in a situation similar to yours, you can give my essay: "Choices" a try, if you want to.
Very best of luck!
