Daniel Smith
ENG 102
November 10, 2017
Rough Draft
Too often people find themselves in a relationship that they feel trapped in, that they feel lost and depressed in when realizing how toxic the relationship is becoming. Many people feel that love will make their significant other change into what they deserve, but find themselves wasting their valuable time trying to make something work that will never work. Some get into a relationship because of money, thinking it will make them happy to have all the materialistic things, but later realize they were wrong. Then there are some that get into a relationship because they feel that they are not worthy of what they actually deserve. The one thing some people don't think about when getting into a relationship is how the relationship will affect them, mentally, emotionally and physically, and how vital it is to be with someone who is positive in your life. Can a happy and secure relationship with your spouse benefit your mental and body health? The answer is yes, being in a healthy and loving relationship can help you find out who you really are, it helps you mature and want to become a better person all around. It can reduce stress, making those who have anxiety feel less anxious knowing they are not alone, it also eases your mind to have the ability to rest easily while sleeping, improving your mental stability. Those who have a toxic relationship suffer from depression and loneliness, which can be strong enough to weaken their immune system causing them to become very ill.
To begin, I want to help recognize what a toxic relationship is and the difference between a healthy and a toxic relationship. Reading an article called, "7 differences between a healthy relationship and a toxic one," written by Zahra Barnes on Self gives keep points and descriptions of both types of relationships. How both people in the relationship handle screw-ups is critical because no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes at some point in the relationship. "In a toxic relationship it's hard to apologize, because it gives them a sense of weakness and vulnerability". Instead of apologizing the one who was at fault usually blames their partner for their mistake, making them feel like it is their fault. This can get really tiring and heavy on someone shoulders because this increases chances of feeling insecure or feelings like they are not good enough. You need to be depend one whoever you are with, whether it be as little as a ride or as big as being faithful and truthful to each other. In a toxic relationship you always second guess the person you're with if they are actually telling the truth or you're second guessing if they will stick to their promises. This can lead to sever anxiety, because you will start to have doubts and not know if your partner will pull through for you or not. A big example of depending on someone is if they tell you they will change, but never do. That will lead to a lack of trust which leads to arguments and this makes the relationship severely unhealthy. Leading into an argument, toxic relationships often blow things out of proportion making little disagreements into huge problems that make it hard to forgive and forget. In a healthy relationship you should be able to talk to each other and come to a middle agreement or understanding. The last major detail that shows the difference between a toxic versus a healthy relationship is how open you feel with your partner or how comfortable you are with them. A couple should be able to talk about anything, their feelings, thoughts, fears, opinions and etc. without feeling judged. In a toxic relationship you often have to keep things inside or feel like you are walking on thin ice at all times, whereas in a healthy relationship you can be yourself and tell your partner what is on your mind with your partner respecting you and your thoughts. Many people fail to realize how crucial it is to be with someone who respects you, who listens to you and is dependable. Being in a toxic relationship can really affect your happiness and your emotional stability, it can truly make or break you. With the help of Fox news, there is an article that provided ways a toxic relationship can physically make you sick and harm your well-being; it can even put you in situations that can put a huge dent in your life.
Self-love is something not many people speak upon, but feel strongly about. Some say you need self-love if you want a healthy relationship and some say being in a healthy relationship will give you that self-love. In this case in order to find a partner who would be a positive person in your life you need to know your worth, you need to understand what you deserve and refuse to settle for less than that. Self-love is not only knowing what you deserve, but it's the ability to look at yourself in the mirror and feeling confident in your own skin. It's allowing you to know that you are good enough. In order for someone to see your worth, you have to be able to show them your worth and be secure with who you are. Having self-love is very important because it defines you as a man or woman. How can you expect someone else to respect you if you don't respect yourself? There will be times that you and your spouse have a disagreement and there might be times when one of you doesn't like something about each other. You should be able to respect what they are saying and realize that you are still good enough, but it is okay to change to be a better person for your partner.
Now that we have discussed the difference between a healthy and toxic relationship, and how important it is to have self-love, I am going to explain why a happy relationship has all sorts of benefits in your life. The top three ways a happy and loving relationship can benefit you is by benefiting your emotional, physical and mental health. Help from the site, NM Wellness, I was able to educate myself and back up my topic, because it gives in detail why it is so important and vital to have a healthy relationship. Six keys of what a healthy relationship is, is: Listening to each other, communicating without judgement, respect one another and listen to what they have to say, make time for each other, remember things about each other and do activities together that bring one another closer. Healthy relationships are meant to be supportive, encouraging and loving, especially due to the emotions being put into the relationship. This can create little to barely any stress, helps your body to heal by your partner taking your mind off any pain that you are feeling and it creates a healthier lifestyle. A healthier lifestyle means a healthy diet, exercising and being active, it can help prevent smoking or quit bad habits that you may have because it's easier to want to better your health when you are with someone who wants the same thing. According to University of Minnesota academic health center a relationship can affect your blood pressure, body, sexuality, mental health and physical health. As humans we naturally crave that touch and connection from another human, which why it is important to be with someone who will care about you vulnerability. Sex or any body to body contact is where you find the most connection between you and your partner; it's something only you and your partner share. It is very vital you are with someone who respects your body and takes it seriously. Being in a healthy relationship and being intimate with one another is what affect your mental health the most, which is why cheating can cause depression, suicidal thoughts and actions or harmful substance abuse.
I've scheduled two interviews with two people who are very close to me and comfortable enough with me to share their experiences being in a toxic relationship and the difference they see now being with someone who uplifts them. M y first interview was with my girlfriend Dominique, when I met her she was very resistant to letting someone in, it took us a very long time for her to open up about her feelings and pouring out her emotions. Dominique was in High school when she met her ex-boyfriend, she right away she knew this would end bad but did it anyway. My first couples of questions to her were, "Why stay in a relationship that is making you miserable? Why force yourself to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" Dominique was bullied in high school, she was never invited to a dance or a party and she didn't have many friends because she wouldn't hook up with anyone. She stated, "All I wanted was one guy to notice me, I wanted to feel like I existed and he was the only one who showed interest." "It went well for a while, but I started realizing that I was spending all of my money on him, spending all my time trying to make him happy and he never spent a dime on me or really ever tried to see me." She then later moved to Utah for school and she figured it would be better if they had split up since it is so hard for young couple to last long distance, but she said he refused to break up and surprisingly became a better boyfriend. She said they weren't always on bad terms until the last 6 months of their relationship. By this time she had been dating him for almost 2 years and thought she was in love. He was a big time drug head that sold marijuana and decided it was a good idea to put her to work by doing the same thing. He got her onto this site called, "Seeking Arrangements," and started scamming men for their money and then disappearing. "I first found out he was cheating on me when a girl messaged me on Instagram claiming it was his girlfriend, he told me she was crazy and I believed him. I checked his phone once when he was in the shower and it was embarrassing how much he lied." She said she tried to leave but he started blaming her and started to physically touch her giving her bruises all over her body. He told her if she tried to leave him things would get worst. I asked her, "What was it like being in a relationship that you were scared of being in?" She said, "I didn't really think of it as scared, I thought of it as he just really loved me and needed me. I was stupid and it didn't hit me until after we broke up." Dominique hit bottom in her life while dating her ex and became unhealthily skinny for not eating due to depression. A lot of things were said during the interview, but I only wanted to share the minor issues since it is very personal. After the break up Dominique realized that she had no one to go to since she had isolated herself for her ex, but she did have her mom. She ended up moving in with her mom and went into Therapy; it took her almost 2 years to be able to talk freely about her past with him without breaking down. The last question I had for her was, "What advice do you have for someone who is going through the same thing right now?" "My advice is to just stop; no one who loves you would ever be capable of hurting you on purpose. Leaving him was the best decision of my life, it took me a long time to grow and get over it but now I am with a man who God picked as my angel and I am living my best life. I am a completely different person mentally, spiritually and physically. My dreams are coming true."
My next and last interview was with my mother Jodi; she was in a relationship that influenced her to do drugs, which caused her to become addicted. She was never in love with him which caught my curiosity of why she stayed for so long. My first question was, "Why are you in a relationship when you don't love them?" She said, "I always wanted to be a bad ass, I wanted to feel like I never had to listen to anyone and he was one of those guys who made me live life on the edge." "I found out he was a drug dealer fairly quick into meeting him and he always was in a good mood and enjoyed life and I was so grumpy and annoyed all the time. So he asked me one day if I wanted to do cocaine with him and I said well why not and I couldn't stop after that." It took over Jodi's life; she began to party too much and started meeting people who were bad influences in her life. Jodi became so toxic and so addicted to coke she even started to become too toxic for her relationship and her boyfriend left her. "I didn't realize how much I was doing it, all I knew is I wanted to feel good." I asked her how she got out of that environment and she said, "I didn't get out, my parents dragged me out and God helped me heal. It took some time, but I later realized I was pregnant with you and my life changed forever. I would never put a man in my life again unless he was going to benefit me positively. No one deserves to be with someone who wants less for them." Now Jodi has 2 kids and let God guide her to a man worth loving, "I wish I knew then what I know now, because I almost got to a point I wanted to die but everything happens for a reason and I am happy no longer am with someone who toxic to my health."
Relationship can have so many positives in your life if you learn how important it is to be with someone who is healthy for you. It can persuade you to do good things, be a good person and have a good lifestyle. It can make you want more for yourself and guide you to goals you have always wanted to accomplish. Too many people are with other people because of money or they think its cool or feel that they need someone, and then later realize how unhappy they are when they find themselves alone. What your partner tells you or how they talk to you can fuel you or break you down mentally. How your partner respects your body can make you feel confident or weak. The way your partner treats you can reflect how you treat other and yourself. Everyone wants and needs that connection with someone, it's important to be aware of how that person will affect your life.
Works Cited
"7 ways your relationship affects your health." Fox News, FOX News Network
Medicine, Northwestern. "Five Benefits of Healthy Relationships | Northwestern Medicine." Northwestern Medicine
Familydoctor.org editorial. "Mind/Body Connection: How Your Emotions Affect Your Health."
Barnes, Zahra. "7 Differences between A Healthy Relationship And A Toxic One."
McHenry, Erin. "How Relationships Affect Health and Wellbeing - Health Talk."
Reflection
I feel that my essay could have been stronger in the self-love area. Self-love is extremely important and I think that I need to do more research on how it will or can affect your relationship.
Another area that I want to improve in is my conclusion; I don't feel that it is a strong ending to my essay, because I was very passionate on writing about this topic. Although I feel like my conclusion doesn't sum up everything I was talking about.
The last area I was struggling with was my interviews, I felt that they were strong, but I was not sure If I was giving to much detail.
ENG 102
November 10, 2017
Rough Draft
Healthy Relationship VS Toxic Relationship
Too often people find themselves in a relationship that they feel trapped in, that they feel lost and depressed in when realizing how toxic the relationship is becoming. Many people feel that love will make their significant other change into what they deserve, but find themselves wasting their valuable time trying to make something work that will never work. Some get into a relationship because of money, thinking it will make them happy to have all the materialistic things, but later realize they were wrong. Then there are some that get into a relationship because they feel that they are not worthy of what they actually deserve. The one thing some people don't think about when getting into a relationship is how the relationship will affect them, mentally, emotionally and physically, and how vital it is to be with someone who is positive in your life. Can a happy and secure relationship with your spouse benefit your mental and body health? The answer is yes, being in a healthy and loving relationship can help you find out who you really are, it helps you mature and want to become a better person all around. It can reduce stress, making those who have anxiety feel less anxious knowing they are not alone, it also eases your mind to have the ability to rest easily while sleeping, improving your mental stability. Those who have a toxic relationship suffer from depression and loneliness, which can be strong enough to weaken their immune system causing them to become very ill.
To begin, I want to help recognize what a toxic relationship is and the difference between a healthy and a toxic relationship. Reading an article called, "7 differences between a healthy relationship and a toxic one," written by Zahra Barnes on Self gives keep points and descriptions of both types of relationships. How both people in the relationship handle screw-ups is critical because no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes at some point in the relationship. "In a toxic relationship it's hard to apologize, because it gives them a sense of weakness and vulnerability". Instead of apologizing the one who was at fault usually blames their partner for their mistake, making them feel like it is their fault. This can get really tiring and heavy on someone shoulders because this increases chances of feeling insecure or feelings like they are not good enough. You need to be depend one whoever you are with, whether it be as little as a ride or as big as being faithful and truthful to each other. In a toxic relationship you always second guess the person you're with if they are actually telling the truth or you're second guessing if they will stick to their promises. This can lead to sever anxiety, because you will start to have doubts and not know if your partner will pull through for you or not. A big example of depending on someone is if they tell you they will change, but never do. That will lead to a lack of trust which leads to arguments and this makes the relationship severely unhealthy. Leading into an argument, toxic relationships often blow things out of proportion making little disagreements into huge problems that make it hard to forgive and forget. In a healthy relationship you should be able to talk to each other and come to a middle agreement or understanding. The last major detail that shows the difference between a toxic versus a healthy relationship is how open you feel with your partner or how comfortable you are with them. A couple should be able to talk about anything, their feelings, thoughts, fears, opinions and etc. without feeling judged. In a toxic relationship you often have to keep things inside or feel like you are walking on thin ice at all times, whereas in a healthy relationship you can be yourself and tell your partner what is on your mind with your partner respecting you and your thoughts. Many people fail to realize how crucial it is to be with someone who respects you, who listens to you and is dependable. Being in a toxic relationship can really affect your happiness and your emotional stability, it can truly make or break you. With the help of Fox news, there is an article that provided ways a toxic relationship can physically make you sick and harm your well-being; it can even put you in situations that can put a huge dent in your life.
Self-love is something not many people speak upon, but feel strongly about. Some say you need self-love if you want a healthy relationship and some say being in a healthy relationship will give you that self-love. In this case in order to find a partner who would be a positive person in your life you need to know your worth, you need to understand what you deserve and refuse to settle for less than that. Self-love is not only knowing what you deserve, but it's the ability to look at yourself in the mirror and feeling confident in your own skin. It's allowing you to know that you are good enough. In order for someone to see your worth, you have to be able to show them your worth and be secure with who you are. Having self-love is very important because it defines you as a man or woman. How can you expect someone else to respect you if you don't respect yourself? There will be times that you and your spouse have a disagreement and there might be times when one of you doesn't like something about each other. You should be able to respect what they are saying and realize that you are still good enough, but it is okay to change to be a better person for your partner.
Now that we have discussed the difference between a healthy and toxic relationship, and how important it is to have self-love, I am going to explain why a happy relationship has all sorts of benefits in your life. The top three ways a happy and loving relationship can benefit you is by benefiting your emotional, physical and mental health. Help from the site, NM Wellness, I was able to educate myself and back up my topic, because it gives in detail why it is so important and vital to have a healthy relationship. Six keys of what a healthy relationship is, is: Listening to each other, communicating without judgement, respect one another and listen to what they have to say, make time for each other, remember things about each other and do activities together that bring one another closer. Healthy relationships are meant to be supportive, encouraging and loving, especially due to the emotions being put into the relationship. This can create little to barely any stress, helps your body to heal by your partner taking your mind off any pain that you are feeling and it creates a healthier lifestyle. A healthier lifestyle means a healthy diet, exercising and being active, it can help prevent smoking or quit bad habits that you may have because it's easier to want to better your health when you are with someone who wants the same thing. According to University of Minnesota academic health center a relationship can affect your blood pressure, body, sexuality, mental health and physical health. As humans we naturally crave that touch and connection from another human, which why it is important to be with someone who will care about you vulnerability. Sex or any body to body contact is where you find the most connection between you and your partner; it's something only you and your partner share. It is very vital you are with someone who respects your body and takes it seriously. Being in a healthy relationship and being intimate with one another is what affect your mental health the most, which is why cheating can cause depression, suicidal thoughts and actions or harmful substance abuse.
I've scheduled two interviews with two people who are very close to me and comfortable enough with me to share their experiences being in a toxic relationship and the difference they see now being with someone who uplifts them. M y first interview was with my girlfriend Dominique, when I met her she was very resistant to letting someone in, it took us a very long time for her to open up about her feelings and pouring out her emotions. Dominique was in High school when she met her ex-boyfriend, she right away she knew this would end bad but did it anyway. My first couples of questions to her were, "Why stay in a relationship that is making you miserable? Why force yourself to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" Dominique was bullied in high school, she was never invited to a dance or a party and she didn't have many friends because she wouldn't hook up with anyone. She stated, "All I wanted was one guy to notice me, I wanted to feel like I existed and he was the only one who showed interest." "It went well for a while, but I started realizing that I was spending all of my money on him, spending all my time trying to make him happy and he never spent a dime on me or really ever tried to see me." She then later moved to Utah for school and she figured it would be better if they had split up since it is so hard for young couple to last long distance, but she said he refused to break up and surprisingly became a better boyfriend. She said they weren't always on bad terms until the last 6 months of their relationship. By this time she had been dating him for almost 2 years and thought she was in love. He was a big time drug head that sold marijuana and decided it was a good idea to put her to work by doing the same thing. He got her onto this site called, "Seeking Arrangements," and started scamming men for their money and then disappearing. "I first found out he was cheating on me when a girl messaged me on Instagram claiming it was his girlfriend, he told me she was crazy and I believed him. I checked his phone once when he was in the shower and it was embarrassing how much he lied." She said she tried to leave but he started blaming her and started to physically touch her giving her bruises all over her body. He told her if she tried to leave him things would get worst. I asked her, "What was it like being in a relationship that you were scared of being in?" She said, "I didn't really think of it as scared, I thought of it as he just really loved me and needed me. I was stupid and it didn't hit me until after we broke up." Dominique hit bottom in her life while dating her ex and became unhealthily skinny for not eating due to depression. A lot of things were said during the interview, but I only wanted to share the minor issues since it is very personal. After the break up Dominique realized that she had no one to go to since she had isolated herself for her ex, but she did have her mom. She ended up moving in with her mom and went into Therapy; it took her almost 2 years to be able to talk freely about her past with him without breaking down. The last question I had for her was, "What advice do you have for someone who is going through the same thing right now?" "My advice is to just stop; no one who loves you would ever be capable of hurting you on purpose. Leaving him was the best decision of my life, it took me a long time to grow and get over it but now I am with a man who God picked as my angel and I am living my best life. I am a completely different person mentally, spiritually and physically. My dreams are coming true."
My next and last interview was with my mother Jodi; she was in a relationship that influenced her to do drugs, which caused her to become addicted. She was never in love with him which caught my curiosity of why she stayed for so long. My first question was, "Why are you in a relationship when you don't love them?" She said, "I always wanted to be a bad ass, I wanted to feel like I never had to listen to anyone and he was one of those guys who made me live life on the edge." "I found out he was a drug dealer fairly quick into meeting him and he always was in a good mood and enjoyed life and I was so grumpy and annoyed all the time. So he asked me one day if I wanted to do cocaine with him and I said well why not and I couldn't stop after that." It took over Jodi's life; she began to party too much and started meeting people who were bad influences in her life. Jodi became so toxic and so addicted to coke she even started to become too toxic for her relationship and her boyfriend left her. "I didn't realize how much I was doing it, all I knew is I wanted to feel good." I asked her how she got out of that environment and she said, "I didn't get out, my parents dragged me out and God helped me heal. It took some time, but I later realized I was pregnant with you and my life changed forever. I would never put a man in my life again unless he was going to benefit me positively. No one deserves to be with someone who wants less for them." Now Jodi has 2 kids and let God guide her to a man worth loving, "I wish I knew then what I know now, because I almost got to a point I wanted to die but everything happens for a reason and I am happy no longer am with someone who toxic to my health."
Relationship can have so many positives in your life if you learn how important it is to be with someone who is healthy for you. It can persuade you to do good things, be a good person and have a good lifestyle. It can make you want more for yourself and guide you to goals you have always wanted to accomplish. Too many people are with other people because of money or they think its cool or feel that they need someone, and then later realize how unhappy they are when they find themselves alone. What your partner tells you or how they talk to you can fuel you or break you down mentally. How your partner respects your body can make you feel confident or weak. The way your partner treats you can reflect how you treat other and yourself. Everyone wants and needs that connection with someone, it's important to be aware of how that person will affect your life.
Works Cited
"7 ways your relationship affects your health." Fox News, FOX News Network
Medicine, Northwestern. "Five Benefits of Healthy Relationships | Northwestern Medicine." Northwestern Medicine
Familydoctor.org editorial. "Mind/Body Connection: How Your Emotions Affect Your Health."
Barnes, Zahra. "7 Differences between A Healthy Relationship And A Toxic One."
McHenry, Erin. "How Relationships Affect Health and Wellbeing - Health Talk."
Reflection
I feel that my essay could have been stronger in the self-love area. Self-love is extremely important and I think that I need to do more research on how it will or can affect your relationship.
Another area that I want to improve in is my conclusion; I don't feel that it is a strong ending to my essay, because I was very passionate on writing about this topic. Although I feel like my conclusion doesn't sum up everything I was talking about.
The last area I was struggling with was my interviews, I felt that they were strong, but I was not sure If I was giving to much detail.
