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AAS Essay: Development Studies in Melbourne and Communication at the University of Queensland. Why?

kanzcech 1 / 2  
Apr 26, 2019   #1

Why did you choose your proposed course and institution?

(2000 characters)

My first proposed course is Master of Development Studies at the University of Melbourne. It offers variety of courses that cater to my needs and interests, such as Development Theories, Political Economy of Development, and Development Project Management & Design that will provide me theoretical groundings as well as practical skills and experience. The second proposed course is Master of Communication at the University of Queensland. It will provide me with the knowledge and skills required to excel in the communication industries. In completing the degree, I plan to choose Communication for Social Change as my specialization as I want to deepen my knowledge in communication and continue my future path in development field. I would like to elaborate further why I apply for those two courses in my Australia Awards Scholarship application.

I studied International Relations and chose International Development as my specialization, yet I had never experienced the real face of my country's underdeveloped region, until recently. My whole life is spent in my home country, Indonesia but I only live in Java. For me, development is something that concerns me, but I never got a close look at how the development project works and how the society reacts to development. The turning point in was through my job at WWF-Indonesia as Communication Officer for USAID Sustainable Ecosystems Advanced (SEA). I spent last year living in Eastern Indonesia and it forms a new perspective for me, that this region needs more government's attention to develop well. However, the development should also pay attention to the environmental condition to be sustainable. The job also offered dual benefits for me where I can apply my communication skills and experience and work on a development project in an NGO.

NB: I choose two different programs because my work experience so far is either related to International Relations or communications. I had worked as content writer and communication officer. Therefore I choose two courses. Please give me feedback on my essay. Thank you!
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Apr 26, 2019   #2
The delivery and execution of your essay in terms of providing sufficient details as to why this is the program you want to partake in is decent. I would only say that you need to be more wary of being specific. While you were able to give a general outlook of things, you were quite broad when it comes to discussing your goals and prospects. For instance, in your first paragraph, you were discussing that you're going to be granted knowledge and skills to excel in the industry. Can you be more specific as to what these things are? How exactly do these courses affect your career in the long-run? If you can be more specific and potentially apply them into a working context of why you have chosen this, then it'll be better overall for you.

As for your second paragraph, you need to be cautious of your grammatical composition; I can tell that you had a few lapses in terms of this throughout the essay. Always try to evade lengthy sentences as much as possible; given that you are an ESL learner, you are most definitely more prone to committing fundamental mistakes. I would suggest simpler texts, sprinkled with a bit of descriptive words, and assured to be straightforward would always be your best bet.

For instance, if we were to look at your third sentence in here, I can revise this as:
Development personally concerns me; however, I have never seen how development projects work and how it shapes society.

Notice how I tried to eliminate redundant words, attempted to retain the same train of thought, and encompassed all necessary details while still trying to be more concise with language.

Just remember: simplicity and the more concise, the better. Best of luck.
OP kanzcech 1 / 2  
Apr 27, 2019   #3
Thank you for you help and revision Maria! It means a lot to me. I currently edit my essay and may post new thread on the revision.

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