AAS scholarship question: why did I choose my course - Master of Engineering (Civil and Structure)

I am preparing to apply the AAS- scholarship and i need someone to check and give opinion my essays. Please kindly give feedbacks to me.

Why did you choose your proposed course and institution?

I chose my proposed course which is Master of Engineering (Civil and Structure) based on my interest. My bachelor capstone project was related with the Structural Field. It was about how the dampers that were connected to the cladding work when an earthquake occurs, their mechanism and limitations of the resistance to the earthquake and how the dampers reduce the earthquake's impact on the structural members and cladding. While doing that project, I found my passion in Structural Engineering field. Moreover, it is interesting to analyze the structures' resistance and study the mechanism of the members when external and internal forces are applied. And also I would like to discover more about the Techniques and Methods which are ensure to provide our people safer infrastructures. I believe that safety is one of the most important considerations for all the engineers. Therefore, I would like to study more about the course which will broaden my knowledge that can help me to build secure buildings and residential buildings. Not only building new infrastructures but also I would like to renovate the existing historical infrastructures which are irreplaceable and priceless. For the institutions, they all have good rank based on the Academic Ranking of the Australian Universities chart. Not only they have good rank but also they provide good facilities and nice study environment. In addition, they have research centers and I believe I will have a chance to study and conduct the experiments which will help to prevent the infrastructures from the unpredictable disasters in such excellent institutes. Also they have a diversity of students from different countries. So I will be able to learn the different cultures, different thoughts and beliefs. I believe that studying together with the multi-cultures gives a good opportunity to develop the diverse cultural perspectives which can inspire creativity and adaptability skills.

Unfortunately, this is not the type of essay that actually responds to the prompt provided. The question is why you chose the course and institution. The essay must present either the same course, based on an interest in 2 universities in Australia or, 2 courses based on 2 universities in the country. It should not represent only your personal interests in the course. The personal and career interests need to show how the courses you have chosen will augment certain knowledge / problems or lack of skills on your part. The universities need to excel in the field of your choice, based on your academic and professional goals, to be of service as a reason to study there. The essay requires specifics, your essay is an over generalization which will not be of interest to the reviewer as it shows that you lack familiarity with the courses and universities in Australia and how these actually can be helpful to your future career path.

Hi MM, I will try helping on individual sentences as Mr Holt must have known better about the content requirements.

So I think you have been using too many words for your sentences, for example :

1) you can just say "I choose Master of Engineering ..."

2) you can just say "My Bachelor capstone project in Structural Field was about dampers-cladding connection, how they work to reduce earthquake's impact, their mechanism, and also limitations"

This way you can save your letter counts and add more meaningful contents for your essay.

Regards

Hi @MM1695
I have some suggestion for your essay:
1. I think you should separate your essays into some paragraphs so the reviewers would be easier to read your essay.
2. Don't mention about the rank of the universities. They know better. What you should show the reviewer is why the courses are fit with your need.

3. Try to elaborate a real problem or challenge in your current professional work, and use that to support your argument.

Best of luck!

Hi, MM. as a fellow construction project worker. here some advice for you.
1. Rather than give data about university ranking, you better give the data for your problem background and how important safety procedure during the work. mention what kind of work that you concerned about and give the details on how many losses, accidents, or incidents towards this work.

2. take a look at the course structure of your chosen study, pick one course that relevant to your problem. then explain why this course relevant for the solution of your problem. an example is it because lifting so you want to study about lifting procedure and so on.

3. try to make a connection to what Indonesia needs this solution. is it because the government pushes the infrastructure project that fast paced.

to sum up, please take a look at the course structure first and make sure what you really need and concern. is its safety, productivity, efficiency or etc.

Hi, MM1695. I notice that you didn't mention any specific universities in your essay. I need to mention that it is necessary for you to write about the institutions that you selected for your study in Australia. And also, I think you need to make your essay less vague so that it would not confuse those who will review your essay.

Best of luck!

@MM1695
Hi MM. For this essay question, I don't think you have to mention the rankings. Try to research more about the course relevant to your proposed goals (the subjects you need to learn).

Moreover, you did not mention the university you choose, whereas it is crucial in this essay.

I wish you tons of luck with your application.