"to achieve the knowledge and ambition in my chosen field" Why I should be considered

Hey guys! this is my first post and I need help with a scholarship essay its supposed to be under 200 words. The question is "Why do I need this Scholarship"

I have been given the wonderful opportunity to attend college as the first person in my family. For me this is one of the best achievements I am able to make happen in my life. My main reason to attend college is to pursue my higher education. By continuing I will break into my intended career path to achieve the knowledge and ambition in my chosen field, to give back to the community, and to see a change for the better interest of others and myself. I see this opportunity as a way to achieve my dreams, engage in new experiences and gain a deeper sense of who I am. With the help of this scholarship will I be able to achieve my goals and feed my desire for knowledge to develop me for the future. Although for me I can wish but in order for this to happen I need to take action, there have been many financial setbacks in my family and I would like to participate in contributing to my education in any way, form or shape and this opportunity for aid is something I must do to fulfill my dreams.

That first sentence is something a lot of students say. It is overused and not particularly convincing.
The last sentence above, about your purpose being to pursue higher education, does not mean anything at all! So... destroy that sentence!! :-) My main reason to attend college is to pursue my higher education

break into my intended career path... there have been many financial setbacks---These things are not specific enough.

I want you to start this essay by telling the reader something you want to do very badly... something you want to do in your chosen field. Come up with something to say you ARE GOING TO DO. That is how to begin the essay.

Tell what you want to do, who you want to help, etc. Then, tell the reader how your education will be with the scholarship and how it will be if you do not have the scholarship.

Be very specific!! :-)

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