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Scholarship application essay for review (UK university)



Khalil 1 / 1  
Mar 23, 2009   #1
Dear Essay Forum Contributors,

I'm on the stage of applying to one of the UK's universities for my MBA. And now, I need to right an essay for Scholarship.

The lenght of the essay should be minimum 1000 words and maximum 1500 words. I've got 1360, so seems like I'm in the frame.
Could you please review the structure and grammar too.

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1. Business Experience
Demonstrate how your business and managerial experience to date has provided some unique insights into business and business processes and how these can be made relevant to your class colleagues and in which modules of the course.

Since graduated a secondary school, I've been interested in the Oil&Gas industry. That's why I decided to apply to Azerbaijan State Oil Academy (ASOA) for the Bachelor Degree in Oil and Gas Management and successfully passed all necessary exams for admission to the university in 2001. During my university study I've gained a lot of valuable knowledge's within the industry. A lot of finance subjects were involved in to the study as well. At the end of each semester, the class of 24 people were divided in to half and sent to Oilfield related plants and factories for the practical lessons. The practical lessons could usually last for 6 weeks, where we've been tied up to the managers, supervisors and lead personnel to guide us through the study.

After my first day of practical lesson, in the Surakhany Oilfield Machinery Plant I had a great impression regarding my choice of the industry. I remember this day even now, at the end of the lesson I've been thinking, of my career choice and then thought - that's me, that's what I like!

My study at ASOA lasted for four pleasant years, where I had a great chance to be introduced in to the Oil&Gas industry and gain a lot of valuable knowledge's.

In 2003 I've started to work with one of the industry giants - Halliburton. The junior position of the mechanical technician, at the drilling department of the company, gave me valuable hands on experience on Drilling equipment. I have been one of the technicians in the workshop, who have been assembling, testing and repairing the downhole tools.

Hard working and dedication in to the operation, in a couple of year's time brought me to the leading position of the new hired team of the department. A lot of best practises were brought up by me to cut the overpayments for the parts and orders. Also the different way of performing the job tasks in a safe manner, helped to the company, as a service supplier, to stay in a frame of timekeeping.

In 2006, I made a decision to move to another growing company - Weatherford International. I've been hired as a Completions Systems Operator and have been involved in to the offshore operations. My generous university and workshop experience was evaluated well in my new workplace and gave me a chance to show my abilities. Year later I have been promoted to the Field Engineer position and started to train and coach the new hired employees. I have made an impact to the operations by bringing up new ideas on the downhole tools operation, as it was still on the stage of development worldwide. The company itself was new to the country as well and there was no real set up for the company operation premises. Due to the customers strictness on the level of service quality and relying on my previous experience my current manager Iain Farmer asked me to set up a workshop. I had to set up a workshop as per the up to date standards, where all necessary equipment should be installed and of course the safety needed to be taken in to the consideration. A lot of good ideas were brought up by team members too, on design and installation, which at the end saved a good amount of money.

In the strength of my leader qualities, I am a Workshop Supervisor now. This new position is giving me a good beginner level of management experience. Despite to that I am also trying to assist to Operations Manager in an almost all issues to have a broad understanding of finance and management sides of the Oil&Gas industry.

I'm involved in to the planning of the resources, scheduling and budgeting of the department I work for.
I'm also working on the task, by the upper management, on cutting the cost on waste expenditure and best ways of cost efficient operation process.

2. Interpersonal Skills
Demonstrate how your interpersonal skills will exceptionally enhance group based learning during your course.

I have always been a good team player in group based projects and learning activities. The leader character in me always helped me in obtaining a 100% result from the group, which I've been part of. I'm always suggesting the idea, rather than argue it and always trying to listen to the suggestion of the other team member. The ability to get along well with others equipped me to build a strong network where in I consider myself capable enough to source information from all across the globe.

My university experience and experience from the various training courses in the RigTrain in Aberdeen would be a great help to me and group, during the study.

I believe that my interpersonal skills will bring a yield to the group and I will be a good team player.

3. Cultural and National Prospective
Outline your cultural and national prospective and demonstrate why this will be of interest to other members of an international class.

Being a citizen of multinational country is made from me a person, who has always respected other religions, race and ethnicity groups. Despite that I'm not religious, but got my own beliefs, I have always been treating others as I wanted to be treated personally. Also a big role in my multicultural and multinational views, played a time, while I worked within an international companies. I've learnt a lot about a different cultures, cuisine and histories of nations, which made me closer to people around me.

For instance last summer, I've been participating a Scottish wedding ceremony in Glasgow. My friend's wedding ceremony, experience of wearing the kilt and national dancing will stay in my mind forever. For this particular day I have learnt traditional dancing techniques and hired a kilt to show my respect to the people and culture.

4. Special Attributes
Outline any academic or other specialised skill achievements that you possess which will enhance and contribute to class discussion and debate.

I successfully graduated from Azerbaijan State Oil Academy (ASOA) with Bachelor of Economist in Engineering and Management with Honours in May 2005. I believe it is mature moment for me to make a great foundation for a career in finance after 6 years working experience since I've graduated and strong industry, academic and beginner management background.

The IELTS exam, which I've attended to be able to apply to RGU was 6.5.
I have done various Oil industry related trainings in the RigTrain training centre, located in Aberdeen. I'm keen to share my knowledge with group, help if needed and learn from them too.

I'm sure that my working experience will be beneficial to the group as well.

5. General attributes
Generally demonstrate why your application should be considered ahead of others from your region.

I've got a big attitude and ambitions regard my career. My willing to progress in life gave me great opportunities, but it's also needs to be backed up with a strong skills and knowledge of the business. It's about a few years from now, since I first heard about The Robert Gordon University and it became to me a wish to obtain a post graduate degree from it. It is also a long time from I've graduated as a Bachelor from ASOA and start to save a money for MBA degree.

Study abroad is too expensive, so in my case the scholarship becomes a unique and the only chance. The cost of living in my country is lower than in UK, hence why it's affects a wages too!

This scholarship will give me a chance to study abroad, in one of the best universities in the world, famous for its high quality education, history and traditions.

I have no doubt that I will be a serious and enthusiastic student, and someday a quite successful senior level manager or entrepreneur that you would be proud to call an alumni.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13052  
Mar 23, 2009   #2
Since graduated a secondary ... lead personnel to guide us through the study.

For the above paragraph, it will be good to include an assertion that directly answers the question about insights you have gained. Make the last sentence refer to insights that came from those experiences, and then go on to explain them in para #2. In paragraph 2, put together those loose, single sentences that you included. Make them into a solid paragraph.

The leader character in me always helped me in obtaining a 100% result from the group (right here, name a specific group, so that you will be "showing, not telling." Know what I mean? Turn this into a description of real leadership experiences, not just general assertions about your leadership skill.)

prospective perspective

Being a citizen of multinational country, is made from me a person , I have come to respect a diversity of religions , races and ethnicities . groups . Despite that I'm not religious, I have strong beliefs, and I have always been treated others as I wanted to be treated personally.

I've got a winning attitude and ...

The cost of living in my country is lower than that of the UK, and hence the wages are lower , too!
OP Khalil 1 / 1  
Mar 23, 2009   #3
Oh thanks for you quick reply Kevin!

I am very apreciate your help! I will definately include those corections in to it, makes a sense!
What you thing about the struckure of the essay generally? Probably it hasn't got, as you guys saying - a spark effect, but would do a job?!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13052  
Mar 23, 2009   #4
Working at this forum, I have something in common with admissions officers. I see enough of these essays to recognize a very intelligent person crossing over a language barrier -- don't make the mistake of believing that your skill with English conceals your intelligence. It shines through! This material is not fluid like a composition written by a native speaker of English, but it has a rugged, sincere quality that I notice in some essays by brilliant people who have learned English as a second language.

I only know how to speak one language...


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