'I asked my mother about my father' - experience that affected you -SCSU scholarship

Essay must be submitted with a guideline of approximately 300 words.

Prompt: Tell us of an experience that significantly affected who you are as a person or student.

Growing up as an only child, with a single parent is a significantly life changing experience for myself and many other people in the United States. However, not having a father present because of an incarceration has given me ambition to shape myself into a person that would make my family proud. My dad was incarcerated right after my parents separated when I was two years old. The truth was kept from me as until I was nine years old, when finally got the courage to ask my mother about my father. Knowing the day would come; she sat me down to tell me the truth of their marriage. From that point on, I made a promise to myself, to be a better person than my father was. I started to build up my efforts in my activities such as swimming, orchestra, and more importantly my academics. I wanted to continue moving forward with my live as if nothing happened and to kept an attitude that his mistakes would never hold me back. I had accomplished many things without him, and still had my eyes set on many more goals to achieve. When I think about him now, I feel sorry for him. I would like for him to know that I am aware of his mistakes. That I have learned from them, motivating me to achieve everything I set out to do. I want him to know that I constantly push myself passed my limits, to make my family proud and hopefully him too.

Growing up as an only child, with a single parent is a significantly life changing experience for myself and many other people in the United States. However, not having a father present because of an incarceration has given me ambition to shape myself into a person that would make my family proud. My dad was incarcerated right after my parents separated when I was two years old. The truth was kept from me as until I was nine years old, when Ifinally got the courage to ask my mother about my father.One day, knowing the day would come; she sat me down to tell me the truth of their marriage. From that point on, I made a promise to myself[b]; to be a better person than my father was. I started to build up my efforts in my activities such as swimming, orchestra, and more importantly my academics. I wanted to continue moving forward with my life as if nothing happened and kept an attitude that his mistakes would never hold me back. I had accomplished many things without him, and still had my eyes set on many more goals to achieve. When I think about him now, I feel sorry for him. I would like for him to know that I am aware of his mistakes. That I have learned from them, motivating me to achieve everything I set out to do. I want him to know that I constantly push myself passed my limits , to make my family proud and hopefully him too.

Some grammatical errors you should pay attention to. But other than that, I got the message you were trying to convey. The last two sentences should be reworded. It's slightly awkward. Maybe try this?: " His mistakes have motivated me to do better. Everyday I push myself to make, not only, my mother and siblings (if you have them) proud but him too."

He is your family...so to say "to make my family proud and hopefully him too" seem redundant. The again, family can be constructed so not sure how you would define 'family'. In any case, that's my two cents.

Good luck!!

Thank you!
this really helps!