"I will benefit directly" - A short essay for OFID scholarship

Dear All,
I am looking forward for your nice comments. Thanks

scholarship and my plans in Afghanistan

PROMPT:

A short essay - of about 500 words in English - giving reasons for applying for the OFID scholarship, explaining your educational goals, and clearly describing how you will use the experience gained from your Master's degree studies to help in the development of your home country.

Essay:
Afghanistan is one of the least developed countries which has the highest rate of human rights violation. Its citizens still suffer from human rights abuses and Afghan government fails to promote and protect these rights. One of the main reason is a lack of human rights experts and professionals who can design and implement programs to safeguard the rights of the people effectively. Hence, I have chosen to pursue my master degree from UK in Human Rights. UK is an advanced human rights society. I will benefit directly from interacting with academic staff who are working at the cutting edge of the human rights field, producing innovative and internationally-recognized research. I have been admitted to Kingston University to pursue my MA in Human Rights for the years 2018-2019. It will give me an opportunity to intellectually examine the subject from various angles particularly minority protection and human rights.

I persuaded my bachelor's degree from Law faculty of Herat University, Afghanistan, so, I was able to get 89.4% (GPA 4.0) grades. I studied various subjects related to the human rights and have education foundation for this subject. I have worked in the field of Rule of Law and Women Empowerment since 2013 in different Public and Private Organizations. I realized the lack of accessibility to basic rights of women and children and the crucial need for promotion and protection of their rights in a war-torn country. Also, as a women rights activist, I have voluntary worked with a non-profit organization called Empowered Women Organization (EWO). The aim of EWO is to empower uneducated and deprived women and by this way, I am trying my best to establish a sustainable linkage with the deprived and vulnerable people in the society.

I came from a middle-class family which cannot afford to my postgraduate studies. I have read through OFID Scholarships and they perfectly align with my career ambition in development of human rights. In current situation, which Afghanistan struggles with the lack of standardized postgraduate studies, it is crucial to pursue my master's degree with one of incredible university of a developed country. I am much elated that the OFID gives opportunities for less privileged scholars like me to pursue their educational dreams in some of the best Universities in the world, a chance I intend to effectively utilize.

With the potential I would have upon returning back after my master's degree, I plan to work as a human rights expert with Afghanistan Independent Human Rights Commission (AIHRC) Women Rights Unit, to design comprehensive development plans and mechanisms to promote human rights situation of Afghanistan. My foremost concentration would be female prisoners', which are the most deprived part of society, capacity building and increment of access to fair trail and justice. I would strive to utilize my knowledge and experience to develop and implement technical and advisory support programs to female prisoners.

I Like the way you write.

but you can move this whole paragraph I came from a mid...... down to the last...

In my opinion it would be wise, to let the reviewer take the impression on the last paragraph.

I hope my comment is useful

Fatemah, your essay focuses mostly on your previous academic experience, which is not part of the required information for this essay. Rather, you are being asked to look towards the future in relation to your academic needs. Based upon the job that you are performing now, why do you feel that you must pursue advanced academic learning in the field of human rights? What career hindrances do you hope to overcome by completing this masters degree? Give an example of how this masters degree will be able to help you address a specific need in Afghanistan. you can relate that example to the plight of the female prisoners. Discuss what human rights violations they experience in relation to how your studies can help you assist them in their plight by preventing human rights and women's rights abuses. At this point, the reviewer is not interested in your previous academic experience. He is however, interested in learning how your current academic goals align with the study objectives of the course you have chosen. That, remains unclear for the most part in your essay. You have too many broad statements about interacting with the faculty and other students, but no real explanation of how specific elements of the course will help advance your academic and career objectives. Be more detailed in your response. You have 500 words after all, there is no need for sweeping statements. There is a need however, for specific statements in your presentation based upon the prompt requirements.