"a blind curiosity for medicine" - Education and Life

Education and Life: A Personal Statement

In this essay you should discuss your educational goals, including why you wish to study your chosen major.

This isn't by any means finished, but could you please proofread and make suggestions? Maybe how to keep going, ive hit writer's block at the moment, thank you so much!

When I was in the seventh grade my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and for nearly two years after her diagnosis I spent a relatively large amount of time within the walls of Emory University Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia. My family and I traveled to this hospital because it had a reputation for being the very best hospital, and it was there that my mother had the best success rate for defeating her cancer. I was a very young and impressionable child, and it was during all of the hospital visits that I acquired a great appreciation for doctors.

Years later, as a high school freshman, my appreciation bloomed, and I decided that year that I wanted nothing less than to "grow up one day" and become a physician. During my first year in high school, I even became known for reading medical journals in class and trying to sound "professional" by naming off different symptoms of various diseases. I was very enthusiastic, though as I reflect on my actions as a younger child, I admit that they do sound a little embarrassing.

Throughout my high school career, my youthful enthusiasm has slightly diminished, and instead it has been replaced with a sturdy determination. On numerous occasions I have researched various other occupations, though I was never persuaded to deviate from my path of aspiring to become a physician. This has only enforced my belief that it is the occupation best suited to me.

When I was younger, I possessed nothing but a blind curiosity for medicine. Today however, I have an intense passion. It is in my opinion that the most beautiful artwork is the practice of medicine. I believe that medicine, though a science, is likewise a glorious and yet extensively rigorous art to master.

Hi Carley,

Do you have to submit more than one essay for scholarship or is this the only one? The reason I am asking this is that no where in the essay you mentioned that you need scholarship or financial assistance?

Hello,

You do a very good job with your personal introductory paragragh, and your content is fairly sound.

That having been said, however, in your second paragraph you write, "grow up one day" and "professional" in quotes, and while we understand that while verbally communicating we sometimes physically quote words to signify common usage or so, it's grammatically incorrect because they are not actual quotes. Instead of "I wanted nothing less than to "grow up one day" and become a physician.", try this, "I wanted nothing less than to become a physician." Instead of "trying to sound "professional" by naming off different symptoms of various diseases.", try "trying to sound more proper by..."

Thank you for sharing such a personal essay! I hope my advice helps ;')

I agree, Amy!


Well, the prompt calls for discussion of goals... so it might not be necessary to write about financial need.

Years later, as a high school freshman, my appreciation bloomed, and I decided that year that I wanted nothing less than to "grow up one day" and become a physician. ----actually, even though I like Amy's idea, I think this is okay. It's interesting, and the reader will understand what you mean.

During my first year in high school, I even became known for reading medical journals in class and trying to sound "professional" by naming off different symptoms of various diseases.---I cut some unnecessary words to make the sentence sleek. :-) Also, in this sentence I do NOT think it is cool to have the " " marks around professional. The word professional expresses your meaning well and does not need to be in quotes.

My favorite sentence: It is in my opinion that the most beautiful artwork is the practice of medicine.

You need to do more to answer the prompt. And include some response to the prompt in the intro paragraph... show them, early in the essay, that you are clearly explaining why you chose your major and what your goals are.

Get specific, and discuss medical advancements that interest you, medical journal articles you have read, and all the most recent developments in the aspects of medicine that fascinate you. :-)