I was born in a beautiful, landlocked country - Botswana. SELF INTRODUCTION FOR THE KGSP

fascinated by the beauty of Koreans

My name is Tshireletso Matsheledi. I was born in a beautiful landlocked country, with only 2million population, Botswana. I was always this hyper female because i played among the boys which developed my love for sports. Karate has been a part of my life since then and through it i learned a lot about life in general. this sport is all about moral and mental aspect to improve as an individual.Being a karateka helped me to realise that you achieve your dreams slowly but surely, no short cuts. I hope to be successful in applying for this scholarship so that the skills that i acquire may help my fellow country men improve our economy and issue of unemployment rate which is very high.

I spent 14 years doing basic education. I started pre school at the age of 5 and began my standard one when i was 7. I went on to complete my Junior certificate after three years with second class and proceeded to my Cambridge for two years.After three years again I graduated with associate degree in Film and Television in 2011.During my study I was attached to the ministry of Local Government & Rural Development under the public relations section. My main duty was to document/film services provided to the community. In 2012 I progressed to my degree which earned me BA(Hons)Digital film and Television and graduated in 2015. All these were obtained from Limkokwing University of Creative Technology,Botswana. I went for internship in the same Ministry as before because they were impressed with my work determination before and spent two years..my contract was extented and i was given another 6 months on temporary basis.

The introduction of kdrama came to me in 2007 and I was fascinated by the beauty of the Koreans and their level of respect and love for one another. The drama series now introduced me to Kpop and I fell in love. The other thing that i realised and fascinated me is that Koreans speak one native language,which i love and like to learn although i know the most important things, which are ,greetings,apologies and thanking. I would love to know more about the culture and I realised the similarities about their culture and our Setswana culture. Given a chance I would like to help some Koreans with basic English,more especially from a tender age even the grown ups who find the language challenging.I will do that voluntarily.

From being known as a nation struck by poverty, South Korea is known as the one of the best successful nations in terms of economy and democracy but this did not come easy because the nation had to rise above the war they faced, so this the reason i want study in Korea..Determination to rise above the top.

Tshireletso, there are certain parts of this essay that work well in relation to the self introduction letter requirements and there are some areas that don't. The course of life portion is acceptable but doesn't really offer an insight into the kind of family that you came from. The family history is part of the "background" portion of the essay which helps to determine the kind of character that you have and what kind of hopes and wishes you may have in relation to your point of view about life. While Karate may have helped you build your character, the sport is not a required element of the prompt. Focus instead on the requirement related to your family background in relation to your development as a person.

There is no need to start your academic history from the very start of your academic life. It is enough for you to summarize any high school information that led to your college degree. When you get to discussing your college degree, you will need to be more specific. Talk about the course, what inspired you to study it, any awards you received as a student and how it inspired you to work in your current field.

Speaking of your current field, you do not seem to have any specific professional background written in. Why is that? You need to have a proper professional background that you can relate as a motivation for your desire to study in Korea. Without it, your scholarship application might not be able to compete with the other, better qualified applicants. While your internships can be presented in its place, internships are not really considered part of your professional career because that is done during your college student days and as such, do not reflect any real leadership, responsibility, or professional requirement for advancement as would be required by a person engaged in a career or profession.

While I can see that you have a motivation and reason for studying in Korea, I do not believe it is strong enough at this point. I believe that you will need to revise that portion as well but first, you need to create a stronger foundation for it. Once we establish the earlier portions properly, we should be able to come up with a stronger motivation and reason for your desire to become a KGSP scholar. At this point, it will be extremely difficult to do.

"... i played among the boys ""which"" developed my love for sports."
Correction:
Change "which" to "who", because word "the boys" is person.

"...more especially from a tender age even ..."

Correction:
Change "more especially from" to "more special than", because more is bonded to than, and especially is adverb but there is no adjective or verb to explain, so word special is suitable.

"so this the reason i want study in Korea"
Correction:
Between verb "want" and "study", there is a preposition "to".

@debby89


I was always this hyper female because i played among the boys..... I think you need more smooth sentence for this part, with more formal and common phrase so it sounded more positive

Be careful with the capitalization "i" and first letter in a sentence "this"
Pay attention for the space after full stop also.

Hopefully, this will be helpful a bit. Courage for your application, Tshireletso!

@Holt
Thanks.but which part are necessary and which are not

If you review the comments that I made, I made it clear that there were parts of your essay that worked and those that did not. However, I did not advise you to remove those parts because they serve a purpose in the discussion. I asked you to improve upon those portions based upon the suggestions I offered. The content of your essay is good. It is the presentation that needs improvement and additional detailing. You only need to develop the content or message of the paragraphs a little bit more in order to make it stronger and able to support your application. If you want me to be very specific though, and you really want to remove certain content, then you can refer to the list of topics that I believe you can remove below:

1. The Karate references
2. The education that starts at the age of 5. Focus on college and your work experience if possible.
3. The final paragraph.

The essay really has the potential to be good for your application. There are a few topics that should be removed as per the list above. However, the essay requires more discussion instead of deletion. So concentrate on strengthening the points that I presented in thread # 2 as best as you can.

@Holt
Thanks..will do that

..in my country the internship does not take place when you are schooling..its a job, you are given responsibilities and leadership ,you are an officer as much as those who are hired permanently..That is why

I included it as my professional background

If that is how the internship works in your country, then you have to explain that to the reviewer as that is not how internships are normally done. In most countries, the internship starts within the regular semester / school year during either your junior and / or senior year in college. Since this takes place after you graduate, it will very well take the place of a formal professional experience. Discuss the internship in greater detail so that you can be accurate enough in making the reviewer believe that you did regular work that is related to your college major. Highlight any accomplishments that you had as an intern which can help in strengthening the "work experience" on your part. I look forward to reading the revised and improved version of that paragraph soon.

Now that you have actually clarified that the internship is also considered professional experience in your country, I do not see anything else stopping you from finally setting aside this essay as a finished product. It will do the job that you need it to do. I hope that it is strong enough to support your application. While I am unsure about how the reviewer will accept the information about the internship also being professional experience, I hope it does the job for you. There will be other applicants with stronger, more intricate and truly "professional" work experience in the running or for admission consideration to the program. That is what worries me about the definition of your work experience. You the best that you can with your limited resources. Keep the faith that this letter will work to your benefit. Now, you just have to move on to working on the last 2 essays in this application..

@debby89
I found a mistake, you have written with a GPA of 3.41 on sale of 4 (89%). I think you want to write on a scale of 4. COrrect it as no autocorrect softwares will prompt it.

@debby89
your revised essay is really great. I think it clearly address the prompts and it is direct and detailed. the only thing I found was stating your name. Because as I believe it is not really necessary to tell your name here again as you have already mentioned it in your application form. Good luck.