I was born and grown up in the northern country. 2017 Scholarship, Self-Introduction letter

Good evening! I'm applying for scholarship and they required me to write Self-Introduction letter.
The requirements are:
course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
motivations for applying for this program
reason for study in that country

English is not my native language and I hope my introduction will be readable. I hope, by your critics i will make my letter more organized and grammar correct.

inspired by Asian designers and architects

I was born and grown up in the northern country. My mother was a dentist and father working as security now. In my childhood, I was travelling with my parents not just within my country but also overseas. During that time I mat many people with different nationalities, mentalities and languages. In very little age I had an experience with disability until the moment when my family found a good specialist to help us with that problem. Therefore, since very young age I was often thinking of people who happened to be disabled and could not do simple things conveniently. This occasion guided my life in different way of thought. Due to looking for a better life and opportunists my family trays to give me everything they could. From education till life goals they guided me and supported in any decision that I made.

I attended governmental school and after several years I enrolled in the private technological college which gave me comprehensive in-depth education of art, natural sciences, computer technologies. For additional education I took partn in an Art school for 10 years. When I finished my general education in the age of 16, my desire for helping people was rising more and to give a first step to make dreams true, in the same age I entered to the university abroad in a major of interior architecture. It is my firm of believe that there is no necessity to be an a doctor to rescue people, but you just have to be a bit creative and have a desire to help. During my bachelor degree I comprehended how the design in general can affect our psychological behaviour, how it can helps people to make life easier, more safety and convenient. By studding Universal design, which means design for everyone despite of ability and age, I became fascinated. Hence, I made a decision that I want to be a bit more specific in a daily used tools as chairs, computers, telephones, cars and etc. I want to be a industral designer. Personally, I think that a proper and clever design can weighty help not just disabled people but also people in general, despite of financial or health issues.

In 2014 I attended festival, that was provided by my university, which was devoted to handicapped people, specifically children. Before, we had a seminar that thought us how to behave with this special children and later, we started to build and create tools in collaboration with them.

One year later, I joined Noyanlar Construction Group of Companies in Iskele, Cyprus as a internship on the construction site. I learned the processes of building constructions and finishing applications as for interior and exterior. In 2016 I had office practice in Uzun Construction Group of Companies, Famagusta, Cyprus. Mostly, I took part in the renovation projects. As I did my bachelor degree in Cyprus, this Island full of historical places and buildings that needs to be supported and renovated. As well as reconsiderations of old buildings, I experienced reconsederation of historical objects as old windows and doors fixtures. Later on, I was offered part-time job in relevant company.

In the regard to University activities, I was playing basketball for 2 years for representing national Russian Society Team. Moreover, my social life was not limited by that. For other personal development occupation, I was taking part in archery and horseback riding as a hobby.

Most of the time, I was inspired by Asian designers and architects. Simplicity and innovations that they combines in the work made me want to be like them and create with the same feeling of self-devoting. I chose Korea for my further education in the reason of high level and quality of practical and theoretical knowledge. Universities provides opportunity to consolidate theoretical knowledge in practice, which is especially important in the profession of design. Applying to the 2017 Korean Government Scholarship Program will weighty helps me to learn the language and to get acquainted with the culture and heritage of the country.

Anastasiia, your letter will better stand out in the point of view of the reviewer if you focus your self introduction on the disability that you had to overcome in your life. You can actually remove the reference to your parents occupation because that is not important in discussing who you are. However, if you discuss how they supported you in the diagnosis of your special physical needs, then their role in your self - introduction will be more important. By the way, you need to inform the reviewer about the name of your disability and what adjustments you had to make in your life in order to accommodate the special requirements that you were forced to have. It will create a better foundation for your interest in Universal Design.

You must remove the sentence that indicates how you don't believe that it is a necessity to be a doctor to rescue people. While it might sound good to you, it is not something that you should say in public because, if the reviewer happens to have a connection to a medical background, you will already have insulted that person and in the process, lessened your chances of getting the scholarship.

While the essay focuses well on the academic and professional aspect of your self introduction, it fails to represent your motivation for applying to the KGSP program in particular. You need to explain what your understanding is of the program and how it can help you acquire higher studies in the field of your choice. The reasons you have given do not make your motivation for applying stand out. Try to find some more remarkable reason for wishing to have the Korean government sponsor your studies. It could be because they are better equipped to handle students with disabilities, or their program focuses on special disabilities. It has to be a reason that is unique to you and your requirements as a student.

Is there a way that you can explain how your current profession relates to the programs of study promoted / supported by the KGSP program? That is a requirement of the essay prompt. If you can provide information about the connection between the programs and your profession, including your future goals for your profession, then you will have better responded to the prompt.

You can remove the references to your hobbies and playing on the school basketball team if you cannot find a way to develop that in a more interesting manner. The way you present it, and due to the lack of background regarding your special needs, the reviewer does not really see any reason to find these activities such huge accomplishments on your part.

Kindly indicate a clear explanation as to why you have chosen to study in Korea. Go far beyond the common responses of the culture, the traditions, K-pop, Korean soap operas, and those pop culture references. You need to present a reason that is personal. Something that tells the reviewer that you can make it in Korea because the country and its educational program will support your endeavors and see you towards success upon graduation.

While there are truly major grammar problems with your essay, the fact that it comes up short regarding information makes it clear that this is not the final version of this essay yet. So there is no rush in correcting the grammar at this point because the content of your essay is going to change in a major way. The corrections will be applied once the content is final in form.

Thank you a lot for the critics.
I'm going to re-write it according to review.

"It is my firm of believe that there is no necessity to be an a doctor to rescue people, but you just have to be a bit creative and have a desire to help." I also think you should not use this sentence in your essay because it is quite offensive to us, people with a medical degree hehe.

And you can talk more about your part-time job, like what is the name of the company you are working for, what do you do there, how is that helping you on your professional career, and things like that. I hope it helps! ^^

@CCA92
yes, now i clearly see my mistake ;) thank you for your advise

I did renew the letter and here is something that i reconsidered: about disabilities. I think, that it is better to generalize that thing about myself, because If i mentioned that it means - i have it now (but i don't, and it was at far far past) , and that may be a reason of missunderstanding and they will think that i'm disabled. So therefore i decided to do not put that info.

I will be so much thankful if you will comment this attempt as will)

With regards to the opening statement, try to make your statement more about the realization regarding handicap people something that you gained through travels with your family. You need not say that you were very young or whatever. That is to become your motivating statement so it should only contain references to your observations and how it opened your mind to the problems of the disabled and fueled your passion to help them.

The reference to the WHO definition and your accompanying explanation weaken the motivation in that paragraph. Remove those parts, focus on your motivation solely in that paragraph. Please correct the grammar in paragraph 2. "Studding Universal Design" should instead reflect "Studying Universal Design".

While your view about life, based upon your experiences can be integrated into your motivation to study this course, you need to create a more definitive paragraph for your hopes and wishes for the future. This can relate to either your future career or how you hope to help the disabled in the future. What is your wish and hope for them that you desire to turn into a reality by completing this masters degree?

You have to make the above suggested changes in order to bring the letter closer to the content requirement of the scholarship essay. Once you complete the changes, you should be able to produce a more relevant letter of introduction that will probably need one or two more adjustments before it reaches its final form.

This can relate to either your future career or how you hope to help the disabled in the future. What is your wish and hope for them that you desire to turn into a reality by completing this masters degree?

there are two more letters as study plan and future plan, i think that information i will need to write there.

Since this is a self introduction for a KGSP scholarship, you must write about your hopes and wishes in the self introduction, not in the career goal or study plan. You can write about any topic for the hopes and wishes. It can be about your personal hopes and wishes, or anything else that you would want to write about. Not necessarily about the hopes and dreams that you have for your career. The prompt specifies that you need to discuss this matter here. So do not discuss it in the other essay prompts for the scholarship because that is not where the opportunity to discuss the hopes and dreams lie. The last 2 scholarship essays that you have to write also have prompt specific requirements which need to be followed to the letter. I must reiterate that you stick to the prompt requirements otherwise you will endanger your chances for consideration for the grant. Deliver all of the required elements and information as per the prompt requirements for the self introduction letter. Review the prompt instructions, you will see the specific requirement regarding discussing your hopes, dreams, and wishes in this letter. Do not omit to include the information here. It will be useless and could possibly ruin your chances for consideration if you discuss it in a non related essay prompt.

Okey, i understand. It is my first time when I'm applying to grand and I don't have any writing experience in english specifically. It was hard for me to understand what do I need to write and how to organize it, it made me depressed a bit more after the critics :) But now, I understand what i need to change and remove. Thank you for critics. It was a big course of knowledge

Ali, as a reminder, please post your questions in a separate, new thread instead of hijacking the thread of another poster. The rules of the forum clearly dictate that you are to start a new thread for your posts. So you are in violation of the rules at the moment and, once you are caught, could be suspended for the said violation. Having warned you about this, I will now proceed to explain the response to you. This is a one time deal. The next time you hijack a thread, you will be reported on the basis of rules violation. The only post that you should be making in other people's threads are helpful contributions such as comments on how they can improve their written work.

Now, the motivation will depend upon you and your reasons for applying to the program. There are no most important or least important motivations. There are no right or wrong motivations. There are no weak or strong motivations either. Whatever reason you have for applying for the scholarship program will be considered completely by the reviewer as your motivation. Don't worry about the motivation being weak or strong. You never know what will appeal to the reviewer. That is something that only the reviewer committee is familiar with. All you can do is write the best essay that you can and hope that your motivation is something that appeals to them.