Born and raised in Banjarmasin, Indonesia. My dream for KGSP

I'd like to apply for KGSP this year but I'm not sure of my writing skill. If you do not mind, I need second reader for this essay I wrote just recently with the criteria written below:

Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea

Here you go~

being an expert in Korean Studies and Diplomacy

I was born and raised in Banjarmasin, the capital city of a province in Indonesia called Kalimantan Selatan. I was living there until I was sixteen years old and moved alone to the another province called Jawa Tengah. I was brave enough to went away from my home for studying because I was given Bidik Misi Scholarship from Government of Indonesia so then I wouldn't have to worry about my finance.

I was the top student in my elementary school so then I was given the opportunity to apply for internationalized junior high school with bilingual (English and Bahasa) introduction for the class. That's how I began to love foreign language. At that time in my junior high school, Korean Drama was coming through Boys Before Flower or Kkotboda Namja. My friends were searching the soundtrack and I tried to write the lyrics in Hangeul. That's the reason why I started to learn Korean language. After graduating from that school, I applied for the 2 years term of high school called acceleration class and I passed the entrance. There was no choice for the focus study like Natural Science, Social Science, Language or Religion because as I passed the entrance then I officially focused on Natural Science. So far that I know, that's how acceleration class works in my country. As I forced to choose the focus of my study like that, I just learned Natural Science as the common student does, normally. Honestly, I used to like Mathematics when I was in junior high school because I love to count but it changed on high school because I started to hate logaritm that using calculator. The grade I got for national graduation exam is top 10 in my junior high school, but in high school I only got B- for Mathematics, C for Biology, B for Physics, A for Chemistry and A+ for English. I should've just applied for Chemical Engineering or Chemical Science but my passion for foreign languages brought me to focus my Political study on International Relations. Now that I remember, there was a speech task for Bahasa Indonesia subject at my junior high school and while the other students explained about water or enviroment but I was wrote a speech about why should House of Representatives of Indonesia be given Toyota Camry (I forgot the version and the price but it was absolutely expensive) as their transportation for official works. Unconciously, I've been driven to have interest in Political Science since I was at my young age. My mom also admit it that I've already being a social science expert in my elementary school because the was a regional competition for all subjects but I won the 1st for social scince while I planned to won on Math.

I've been knowing KGSP since the third semester after I passed the interview session for applying student exchange to Kwandong University (now Catholic Kwandong University). At that time, I just know that there is fully funded program for student exchange in Korea but I couldn't put away my responsibility for being a student exchange in CKU with partially funded program. That was the hardest time in my life. I was trying to find sponsorship for helping my finance in Korea but I couldn't get it. The feeling that I have to borrow my uncle's money for pursuing my passion to studying Korean language in CKU, as my Korean language didn't develop enough in Indonesia, is still giving me a hard time until now. I do not regret it because that's the best choice for me at that time.

I already passed the beginner phase for my Korean language target. Now I am applying KGSP for the first time because I'd like to learn it more, being an Indonesian IR student who has advanced skill in Korean language. I also would like to learn about Korean unification plan as I still love Korean drama especially the Historical version and I still watched it with my mom until now. I learn Korean language and history through drama. As it's not fully the right version of the history, I make sure to re-check it again on trustee source in internet. From Korean historical drama, I learned about Korean historical character like The Great King Sejong, Lee Soon Shin Admiral, Sambong and Korean Dynasty such as Silla, Goryeo, Baekje and Joseon. By applying for KGSP program, I'd like to learn more about Korean History, Korean War and the plan of Korean unification so that I could be an expert in Korean Studies and Diplomacy.

___

Just for your information, my lecturer who wrote recommendation letter for me applying this program highlighted my honest character when writing an essay. So, I'm sorry in advance if you find my essay too honest or even almost emotional. Please help me, thank you ^^

Rahmah, your essay is severely lacking in required information. Specially in the educational and professional aspect. I realize that you accomplished a number of feats as a high school student. However, the information about your college studies is the real important aspect of your educational background that the reviewer wants to hear about. It seems that you forgot to discuss that due to the immense focus that you gave to your high school studies. The reviewer will learn that you developed a love for languages, but he won't know if that led to your studying a relevant degree in college. You should reduce the focus on the high school world and introduce your college information in greater detail.

After that, please address the professional aspect of your application. You do not mention any form of work that you have done upon your graduation from college. You must inform the reviewer about your professional skills as normally, the motivation for higher study, which you also failed to address in your essay, based on. I hope I am wrong but it seems like you are applying for the KGSP program as a high school graduate. The KGSP program is for masters degree students, college graduates.

You are not being asked for the financial reason that you are applying to the KGSP. You are being asked to relate your application to your professional background instead. So you have to present your professional experience in vivid detail and explain why you feel that the KGSP experience will help you achieve your dreams, ambitions, hopes, and wishes in your professional life.

If you have taken the TOPIK level 1 test, include the information about your score in the essay. While that will help your application, you will still need to undergo the mandatory Korean classes because you are still a beginner in terms of the language learning process.

Perhaps it would be better if you just write a new essay and post it as a new thread. This current essay that you have written does not fall under any of the required information for the KGSP as you have it posted here. There is no foundation in this self introduction letter that will tell the reviewer that you are a potential candidate for the program.

@Holt I really appreciate your respond for my essay. I didn't used to write but once I tried to write then there will be so much things to write but they limit it just for one page. I'm going to follow your suggestion and write more about my college life and cut the high school part. Thank you so much.

@Rayoung
Hwaiting as the Koreans would say!
Be encouraged taking on board the suggestions given.
Having not written any essay as you pointed out is notable through your work but redo-able. If I can suggest. there are some free grammars apps you can serach and use so your work can be improved!

Merged:

Experts in Korean Diplomacy, may I be one of them?

You must continue in the old one. Here you go.

@Peaches07
Thank you for the suggestion but I'm sorry that I can't give any help for your poem because I just learn to write professional essay and barely know nothing about poem.

Anyway I have problem here and already contact the administrator. Do you know how to unmerged the merged posts? Looking forward for your answer.

@Rayoung
Hello, there! I totally understand that it can be difficult to write an essay in English when it is not your first language, I struggle with it as well. My suggestion is to look for apps such as Grammarly in order to check your grammar structures once you have finished correcting your essay. Here are some corrections of the first lines:

... and moved alone to the another...
I was brave enough to went (go) away

@Rayoung
Well, I think it will be a very long discussion here.
I have several suggestions here (and I hope will be useful for you), but first thing first, you should focus on the questions given by the admissions committee.

There are 3 questions, these questions actually are guidance for you to write your essay.
I see to many unnecessary information in your essay because they don't have any relation to the given questions.
Please remove them first and post your revision here.
I will come up with another review after you post your revised essay.
Terimakasih :)

@MaRo01
@bagusetyawan
@Holt
@Peaches07

Here you go~

I was born in Kalimantan Island of (...)

I was the top student in my elementary (...)

In my campus life, I prefer to join some cultural club and volunteering community rather than join some organizations because I enjoyed it more. I chose to join International Relations Saman Dance (IRSANCE), Taekwondo and Student Teaching. I learned basic move of Taekwondo in my first year of college. At the same time, I also spend twice per week to voluntarily teaching elementary students in rural area. Those experiences are suporting me to be chosen in the selection for student exchange program in Kwandong University, Gangneung. That chance was giving me lots of advancement in my Korean language skill ability and made me trying to watch Korean drama without subtitle. The other unforgettable event for me is Fisiphoria 2014. That was an event happening after I coming back from my exchange program. Me and my dancing group got a chance to be the guest on the same stage with Nidji and Tulus.

Being selected as delegation for student exchange makes me wanted to give my feedback to International Office of my university by being an intern in there. I'm the second student from my Department who passed the selection to being and intern in that office. I have helped them in organizing 2 admission selection for Indonesian Scholarship for Master students from Developing Countries and admission selection for student exchange around ASEAN universities and fully funded by European Union. Those programs are called as KNB and SHARE. I help my university in the process of accepting 7 master students from Rwanda, Palestine, Sierra Leone, Ghana, Madagascar, Bangladesh and Thailand for KNB Scholarship and in the process of sending 25 students of my university to be an exchange student in ASEAN Universities in Cambodia, Vietnam, Philippine, Myanmar and Malaysia. It makes my university be the second rank university in term of outcoming students for SHARE scholarship Batch 2 after Mandalay University in Myanmar. I really proud of that work because those scholarship programs are the first chance for my university. It was an unforgettable experience and it'll be better if I also have a chance to be an intern in International Office of Korean University while studying as master student in there.

It's been 4 months after my graduation, I have been waiting for KGSP to help me pursue a higher education because I realized that I still lack of professional knowledge about Korean Politics and languages. I already passed the beginner phase (...)

___

Please help me~

Rahmah, you have to focus on the mandated contents of the KGSP self introduction letter. Please do your best to reflect a professional side to your application. If you do not have any professional experience, then I do not know how you expect to pass the consideration round for the applicants. Your essay should focus less on your high school experience, show more of your interest in IR developing in college, leading into your current profession, where your motivation for a masters degree in the same field should emanate from.

The lack of the professional experience in the transition from student to professional is missing. It is highly important that you reflect that in the essay because the requirements demand that you have professional experience backing your motivation and reason to enroll in this course. Move the reference to "Boys over Flowers" down in the essay. Add it to the reason why you want to study in Korea. Since you have taken the beginners classes already, you should not remove that passage from the essay. You just need to smoothly integrate the first exposure you had to Hangul in the paragraph.

Your essay has some improvements, points for improvement, and some portions that can be deleted. I hope my instructions above can help you to better revise your essay. I look forward to reading your revised essay soon. Make sure to apply the suggested changes properly so that we can progress further with the essay.

Very interesting content. I had fun reading this and was able to get a real glimpse at your personality which is what a lot of college essays lack in! I won't add what has been said. Overall, great work.

Wait a moment, actually what kind of degree that you applied for? Master degree or Bachelor?
Because you've written so many reference about your high school experience in this essay.
But I think the last paragraph is great. 👍

@bagusetyawan
Did you read the first essay of me or the revised one?
If you feel the revised one still has more high school experience than it supposed to, then I'll cut it again. Especially the part kkotboda namja like @Holt

just said, I'm going to change it with the better one.

Thank you.

I read the revised version.
But please go on, perhaps it will be better in your next revision.
Just let me know if you have finished it.

@bagusetyawan
@Holt

Here you go~
__________

I was born in Kalimantan Island of Indonesia and raised by my parent in there until I was sixteen years old. At that age, I passed the national college exam and moved to another island. I was brave enough to go away from my home for studying because I was given Bidik Misi Scholarship from Government of Indonesia.

I began to love foreign language since I was in junior high school with bilingual class system. Around that time, Korean Drama was coming through drama 꽂보다 남자. My friends were searching the sountracks and I tried to write the lyrics in Hangeul. That's starting to be my passion in live. Now, let me tell you about the history of my political interest. There was a speech task for Bahasa Indonesia subject while the other students explained about water or enviroment but I was explaining about why should the member of House of Representatives of Indonesia be given Toyota Camry (I forgot the version and the price but it was absolutely expensive) as their transportation for official works. I think that's how my passion for foreign languages and my interest in politics brought me to focus on International Relations.

In my campus life, I prefer to join some cultural club (...)

Being selected as delegation for student exchange (...)

One week after my graduation ceremony, me and my friends got a chance to professionally help Korean Association in Semarang held Semarang Korea Festival for the first time. It's fully funded by them and Suara Merdeka. We were being the festival organizer and Korean Association in Semarang as the client. I got paid about 150.000 won for that event. I'm so grateful being needed in that festival and even getting paid in something I passioned on, Korean culture. Now it's been 4 months after my graduation, I have been waiting for KGSP to help me pursue a higher education because I realized that I still lack of professional knowledge about Korean Politics and languages. I already passed the beginner phase for my Korean language target. Now I am applying KGSP for the first time because I'd like to be an Indonesian IR student who has advanced skill in Korean language. I also would like to learn about Korean unification plan as I still love Korean Historical drama. As it's not fully the right version of the history, I make sure to re-check it again on trustee source in internet. From Korean historical drama, I learned about Korean historical character like Sejong The Great, Admiral Yi Soon Shin, Sambong or Jeong Do Jeon and Korean Dynasty such as Silla, Goryeo, Baekje and Joseon. By applying for KGSP and majoring International Relations, I also would like to learn more about Korean History, Korean War and the plan of Korean unification so that I could be an expert in Korean Language, Politics and its Diplomacy.

________

I just edit, delete and put few new experiences. I do not know anymore what I should delete or add based on my experience cause I already put it all.

I am sorry to say this but it will be extremely difficult for you to get this scholarship because you cannot accurately represent the requirements of the program. Take for example, the discussion you have above. This is not the level of writing nor experience that can win you this scholarship. This level of writing is only meant for a college application common app prompt. Even the content is only good for a college level , transfer university application.

This is not masters degree level writing, it does not contain any relevant professional experience in relation to your masters degree course, and frankly, fails in all aspects for consideration in the letter of self introduction. There is simply not enough information for you to compete among the other applicants.

You cannot apply for the scholarship if you do not have a solid idea as to why you are motivated to study IR aside from wanting to study it in Korea. There is no meat to your application. You do not have the appropriate amount of professional experience. Your academic experience does not translate into professional experience.

Your interest in the country is trivial at best and your desire for a masters degree in IR does not have a definitive purpose that relates to your professional career because there is no professional career to speak of. I am also at a loss as to how to help you improve this essay. There is no avenue for improvement left because of your lack of proper qualifications and the fact that you do not have a clear career progression or ambition to speak of except a jumble of different aspects of your study that relate to international relations.

Unless you can come up with more accurate, relevant, and impressive information to share with the reviewer, I am afraid this essay is dead. It is unusable for your purpose and cannot be improved anymore at this point due to the lack of relevant information coming from your end for your application.

@Rayoung
Hi!
I'm sorry I saw your message late as I had to take care of my poems which took all of my time. I hope that you don't give up and take into account what those who reviewed your work suggested. I see the points that have being made and are right and given the level of application for KGSP is high, the advice is all given for you to improve your chance to win or get the scholarship. Look at other people's work and see how they have fared then use it as a basis for your work.

I wish you luck and hope you accomplish your dreams👍

@Holt
Of course I really appreciate your help and I know that that I lack of professional experience. As I know KGSP is not requiring me to be such kind of professional for applying this program cause if it is true I might also apply for Chevening Scholarship that is requiring the applicants to have minimum two years of professional works. I am applying KGSP Master Program because my passion and interest brought me to them, I'd like to be given more experiences on doing research about Korea especially about the unification plan. I need to study about it in Korea because I really confuse about them, two countries who are using the same letter and language, why should they're being divided, hate each other and suspicious on each other. When I was an exchange student in Korea for about three years ago, there was a ferry accident in the south area of South Korea but there're still some citizen who blame it on North Korea. I really want to study about it because this problem is really confusing for me.

I do put away a paragraph and change it with another paragraph, I hope it is my final revision:

I was born in Kalimantan Island of Indonesia and raised by my parent in there until I was sixteen years old. At that age, I passed the national college exam and moved to another island. I was brave enough to go away from my home for studying because I was given Bidik Misi Scholarship from Government of Indonesia.

In my campus life, I prefer to join some cultural club and volunteering community rather than join some organizations because I enjoyed it more. I chose to join International Relations Saman Dance (IRSANCE), Taekwondo, Turk Kultural Merkezi for studying Turkey language and Student Teaching. I learned basic move of Taekwondo in my first year of college. At the same time, I also spent twice per week to voluntarily teach elementary students in rural area. Besides those activities, I also trained my skill for diplomacy as an IR student by being selected as delegate for Jogja International Model United Nations 2013, representing People's Republic of China. Those experiences are suporting me to be chosen in the selection for student exchange program in Kwandong University, Gangneung. That chance was giving me lots of advancement in my Korean language skills and made me able to watch Korean drama without subtitle.

Being selected as delegation for student exchange [....] while studying as master student in there.
One week after my graduation ceremony, me and my friends got a chance to professionally help Korean Association of Central Java held Semarang Korea Festival for the first time. It's fully funded by them, government of Semarang and Suara Merdeka, a big newspaper company in Central Java. We were being the festival organizer and Korean Association in Semarang as the client. I got paid about 150.000 won for that event. I'm so grateful being needed in that festival and even getting paid in something I passioned on, Korean culture.

It might sound not professional but my interest for Korean history and their unification plan started to grow when I watched drama Six Flying Dragons. The character from Korean History like Yi Bang Won and Jeong Do Jeon are really intriguing my political interest. Yi Bang Won who still wanted blood system for Joeson dynasty sounds like North Korea now while Jeong do Jeon idea for ending that system is similar like democracy or what is currently used by South Korea. Eventhough I didn't get that knowledge in my undergraduate program, I hope I'm going to get opportunity for focusing my study on it by applying in one of Korean Universities by being accepted as KGSP awardee.

Now it's been 4 months after my graduation, I have been waiting for KGSP to help me pursue a higher education because I realized that I still lack of professional knowledge about both of Korean countries. I already passed the beginner phase for my Korean language target. Now I am applying KGSP for the first time because I'd like to be an Indonesian IR academician who has advanced skill in knowledge about Korea, either language, history, diplomacy and politics. I also would like to learn about Korean unification plan as I still love Korean Historical drama. As it's not fully the right version of the history, I make sure to re-check it again on trustee source in internet. From Korean historical drama, I learned about Korean historical character like Sejong The Great, Admiral Yi Soon Shin, Sambong or Jeong Do Jeon and Korean Dynasty such as Silla, Goryeo, Baekje and Joseon. By applying for KGSP and majoring International Relations, I also would like to learn more about Korean History, Korean War and the plan of Korean unification so that I could be an expert in Korean Language, Politics and its Diplomacy. I even have a hope that in the future I'm going to help the unification plan of Korea. I hope KGSP is going to make my dream comes true.

______________

Thank you so much, sincerely.

If you feel that you qualify for this scholarship based upon something that you have in mind or a belief in your qualifications that you feel others cannot see or are underestimating, then there is nothing I can do to change it. The essay that you wrote, in my opinion is still severely lacking in content, passion, purpose, and motivation because of the strict requirements regarding either a career change or professional experience in relation to your desire for higher study.

KGSP scholars are problem solvers, not people seeking answers to questions. They require additional training because they want to be able to help improve their profession. The requirements I speak of have nothing to do with the Chevening scholarship, which is even stricter and demanding of their applicants.

The KGSP is similar to that strict and demanding requirement also but I guess you cannot see that because of the simplicity of their requirement presentation. I will not try to dissuade you from applying for the program. I wish you the best and I hope you qualify for the second round of consideration based upon the credentials you will be presenting to them. Use this essay as you wish to.

@Holt
I am really grateful for all your responds in my essay, sincerely. The conclusion in here is that I am lacking on professional experience so then I can't complete this essay as you wish right? So, I need to gain more experience before applying for KGSP. I hope you're not the embassy staff who are going to review my essay because for me KGSP (master) is a program for knowledge and experience seekers who wants to be a problem solver in the future. Later, if I'm already professionally experienced, I am sure that I should not apply for Master program but I should apply for Doctoral, Research or even Professor Exchange. Thank you so much. Your help for me is uncountable.