Career goals-short and long term and how will training help me/SCHOLARSHIP

Hi,
This is for a big scholarship-pays for the entire year! That being said, I could use a hand perfecting this essay. There are no restrictions on number of words. Essentially I answered each part of the question in it's own paragraph. Here are some specific questions I have about this piece so please read with these questions in mind:

In your opinion does this succinctly answer each part of the question?
Do you think it could it be stronger?
Do you think it needs more examples? or Does it need to be less wordy?
If this was your essay, what would you add? or Subtract?

Prompt:

Use the space below to discuss in your own words
a)your specific short term career goals and
b)specifically how this proposed training will help you to accomplish these goals.
c)Please explain how these apply to your long range career goals.

Here is a draft of my answer:

Turning 30, with no health insurance, prompted the beginning of my inquiries into nutrition and self healing modalities. It it was not long before I was fully engaged in the process of independently researching and studying whatever I could get my hands on about mind/body medicine. Over the next couple of years it became a full-time endeavor of compiling the knowledge that led to my sincere interest in making health accessible to people on an everyday basis, and my current career plan. In the next three to five years I plan to start my own wellness coaching practice. I will focus on yoga, hypnosis, meditation and nutrition. I have the intelligence, drive and caring nature to make a good living this way. Friends and family have been coming to me for advice for several years now so I feel confident in my abilities to connect people in this manner.

I have already started to take the necessary steps to ensure my career success. For example, in the most recent years I attended both an extensive year long yoga teacher training and a professional hypnotherapy certification course. Also integral to this plan is finishing my Bachelor's degree. This is an important piece not only because it is important to study the latest nutrition information available but also because it is the clearest way to advancement of my career. I plan to focus on the study of nutrition at Goddard College. Successful completion of my degree increases my skills and adds credibility to my name. Recent studies have shown that obtaining a Bachelor's degree will lower my rate of unemployment and nearly doubles my annual income from that of someone without a degree. For me, this fact solidifies the goal of completing my degree. I firmly believe that I will be better able to get clients and have a successful business with a Bachelor's Degree.

My skills lie in making what may seem complicated or unobtainable into a foreseeable and attainable goal. I like to make things and ideas accessible to others. I want to teach people how to make the changes they want to make and how to make those healthy choices for themselves every day. In the next five to ten years I could see myself joining forces with other professional holistic practitioners to open up a wellness center for people in recovery from addictions. To accomplish this I plan to pursue courses in therapeutic nutrition and the necessary certifications along the way.

Hello cblove,

This is a very good essay overall, however I think that I can suggest some improvements to make it even stronger:

You seem to focus a significant portion of your essay on how much you will get paid after graduation:
"I have the intelligence, drive and caring nature to make a good living this way."
"Recent studies have shown that obtaining a Bachelor's degree will lower my rate of unemployment and nearly doubles my annual income from that of someone without a degree."

The scholarship committee set up this scholarship so that they can make the world a better place, not so a select few individuals can make a good living. As such, they do not care about your income potential after college, they care about how you will help people.

I would take out all references to making a good income in your essay since it makes you seem selfish and focused on making money. I would replace those references with how you will help people, for example you could replace "I have the intelligence, drive and caring nature to make a good living this way." with "I have the intelligence, drive and caring nature to run a successful wellness coaching practice and empower the community to learn more about their body and spirituality." Of course this is just an example, but something along those lines, even for the second sentence ("Recent studies...") will go a long way to making your essay much stronger.

This is an important piece, not only because it is important to study the latest nutrition information available, but also because it is the clearest way to advancement of my career.

Punctuation is important!

Thanks DR Cool for the feedback. I actually agree with you and your examples were helpful, but...one of the criteria for the scholarship is that I "acquire marketable skills that will increase my economic security and plan to enter the workforce immediately after getting my degree". I was trying to address these criteria in the text of my essay. Does this change your perspective on my use of these sentences?

Here is a revised version. It must be postmarked by 4/15 so any feedback or editing assistance is welcomed as this essay is a very important element of my application and the due date is approaching soon. Thanks

Here is part of the criteria:

*Applicants must be acquiring marketable skills that will increase their economic security.
*Applicants must be entering the work force after they receive their degree or certificate.

Here are the questions:

discuss in your own words your specific short term career goals and
specifically how this proposed training will help you to accomplish these goals. Please explain how
these apply to your long range career goals.

Several years ago, when I turned thirty with no health insurance, I was prompted to start inquiring about nutrition and self healing modalities. It was not long before I was fully engaged in the process of researching and studying whatever I could get my hands on about mind/body medicine. Over the next couple of years it became a full-time endeavor of compiling the knowledge that led to my sincere interest in making health accessible to people on an everyday basis and my current career plan. My overall plan is to finish my degree, owing the least amount possible, so I can start my own business and thereby contribute to my community.

My short term career goal is to start my own wellness coaching practice. I will focus on yoga, hypnosis, meditation and nutrition. I have the intelligence, drive and caring nature to make a good living this way. Friends and family have been coming to me for advice on supplements, diet and meditation for several years now so I feel confident in my abilities to connect with people and assist them in making healthy changes in their lives.

I have already started to take the necessary steps to ensure my career success. For example, in the most recent years I attended both an extensive year long yoga teacher training and a professional hypnotherapy certification course. Also integral to this plan is finishing my Bachelor's degree. This is an important piece, not only because it is important to study the latest nutrition information, but also because it is the clearest path to advancement of my career. I plan to focus on the study of nutrition at Goddard College. Successful completion of my degree increases my skills and adds credibility to my name. Recent studies have shown that obtaining a Bachelor's degree will lower my rate of unemployment and nearly doubles my annual income from that of someone without a degree. For me, this fact solidifies the goal of completing my degree. I firmly believe that having a Bachelor's Degree will make me more equipped with the necessary skills and will directly increase my ability to get clients and have a successful business.

To do so with less debt is an integral part of this plan. It will greatly increase my ability to enter the workforce by not taking on a burdensome amount of school debt. Though, it is considered a necessary spending, I am doing all that I can to keep the amount of debt that I owe to a minimum. It is important to create the right environment for starting my business at every step of the way so that when I have accomplished this part of my goal, I am ready to take the next step and can do so with a firm footing.

My talents lie in making what may seem complicated or unobtainable into a foreseeable and attainable goal. I like to make things and ideas accessible to others. I want to teach people how to be successful in making the changes they want to make and how to make those healthy choices for themselves every day. In the next five to ten years I could see myself joining forces with other professional holistic practitioners to open up a wellness center for people in recovery from addictions. To accomplish this I plan to pursue courses in therapeutic nutrition and the necessary certifications along the way. While in school I plan to work with a local shelter, offering coaching services to their clients. This will be beneficial to all as I will acquire valuable experience while providing support to those in need. Additionally, I can also use this experience for credit at Goddard as the Health Arts and Sciences program focuses on community involvement.

My journey to a fulfilling career began with one foot in front of the other and has gained momentum to one leap and then the next. I eagerly anticipate each new phase and feel confident that my own unique understanding of wellness will be a valuable resource to many. I need only now the resources to make it happen.

" I was prompted to start inquiring about nutrition and self healing modalities"... this sounds a little robotic and a little like you tried to find "big" words to boost your essay but it does not transcend into the rest of the essay. you could say for example " I started inquiring about nutrition and self healing rituals" i dont know. maybe that wasnt a good example but to me that [art of the sentence is a little foggy in correlation with the rest of the essay overall i think its a great revision especially since the first one. remeber to make this personal and about what your passion is and how this scholarship will allow you to fulfill that passion to your greatest capabilities.