(career position in management) - your career goals and why you need a scholarship

I am new here so I hope I do this right. I have to write a 2-3 paragraph( 75-250 words) describing [/b[b][/b[b]]]your career goals and why you need a scholarship? I never wrote one before but this is what I have so far. I would love some feed back please.

My current career position in management has caused me to recognize that a well rounded person needs to pursue both a life experience as well as an educational experience. Knowing the key is knowledge. I desire to pursue not only an associate degree in business but a bachelor, and then my masters and beyond.

As you can see I have some wonderful goals in mind yet I lack the financial resources to accomplish them. By receiving this scholarship I will be able to begin my journey of fulfilling my dreams of becoming an entrepreneur.

Hi
I would say that it needs a bit more detail, I see that the limit is 250 but i think you can add to it. like for example elaborate on the lack of financial resources, make it personal.

oh and by: Knowing the key is knowledge. do you mean knowledge is key?

thank you I will take your advance and make the correction.

My current career position in management has caused me to recognize that a well rounded person needs to pursue both a life experience as well as an educational experience. Knowing the key is knowledge. I desire to pursue not only an associate degree in business but a bachelor, and then my masters and beyond.

As you can see I have some wonderful goals in mind yet I lack the financial resources to accomplish them. After all my household expense are paid the amount of money left will not cover the expense of attending college. By receiving this scholarship it will allow me to pursue my journey of fulfilling my dreams of becoming an entrepreneur.

My current career position in management has caused me to recognize that a well-r ounded person needs to pursue both a life experience as well as an and educational experience. Knowing These two kinds of experience provide different kinds of knowledge.

Here, you try to use "not only ---> but also"
I desire to pursue not only an associate degree in business but a bachelor, and then my masters and beyond. I desire to pursue not only an associate degree in business but also a bachelors, and then my masters and beyond.

You are doing very well, but you need a list of your goals. Sometimes it is hard to express your goals, but you have to find a way to express them. Make a list of your goals for 2011. Then, make a list of your goals for 2011-2014.

:-)