This is for a scholarship for a master's of social work program. I was asked why I'm pursuing a career in public child welfare. It will be supplemented by my resume. All feedback (and title suggestions) are welcomed, and I appreciate it when people get nit-picky!
A Career in Public Child Welfare
Over the last ten years I have dedicated my career to child welfare. I began working as a receptionist at XXXX in Campbell, California in 2001 knowing very little about the subject of child welfare, the foster care system, or social work in general. Since that time, I have completed my bachelor's degree and worked as an intake specialist for XXXX, volunteered with CASA XXXX county, run addiction-prevention groups with the nationally-accepted Celebrating Families! Curriculum and collaborated with the founders of Celebrating Families to translate and adapt the curriculum for use in a small community in Argentina.
I've found my work in the field of social work to be incredibly rewarding and challenging. I greatly enjoy taking the time to learn about new people, their unique situations and culture, and then working with them toward a common goal. Additionally, I believe that by working with children and families we are working for the future health of our society. Studies indisputably show that abused and neglected children have fewer opportunities to succeed and face greater struggles as adults such as higher levels of mental and physical illness and legal and behavioral problems.
By working with families and children to address problems at the earliest possible time, social workers are investing in the future of our communities, providing an invaluable service to their neighbors, friends, and the clients they serve. I feel my past experience working with diverse families from a variety of cultures, particularly in the field of addiction and recovery combined with the education I will receive at XXXX University will prepare me to meet my goal of a successful career in public child welfare.
What is the deal with that exclamation point in the first paragraph? Is it part of the name of an organization? Anyway, it is confusing and you should fix it!
Also, the first sentence is not energized enough. You write very well, and you certanly are able to find a great, inspired sentence to use at the start of your essay.
IMPORTANT: I saw some help you gave an essayist names Vidyahar in a different thread, and I was very impressed.
At the end of the first paragraph, add a thesis sentence. Can you look at the essay and write a sentence that captures -- in a single sentence -- the truth that the essay represents? Can you say it in a sentence? Put that sentence at the end of the first para.
The first few sentences in paragraph 2 have a good idea, but this all is too simplistic. The first sentence of that para is boring. You should have your own philosophy for reform and social justice, and you should be opinionated and preachy. You should cite articles you have recently read. Go read one for 3 minutes right now just as a way of getting inspired.
You said you wanted nitpicky, so you got it. Do not let any boring sentences have the place at the front of a paragraph. The sentence has to be interesting on its own.
The reason I appreciate you is that I saw in the edit you gave Vidyahar that you really are willing to give of your time even when the reward is not going to be much. That is what happens when someone is truly empathetic, or whatever you want to call it... so we are lucky to have you here, and we are lucky to have you entering the field of SW.
Now cite some articles so the essay will reflect your true aptitude.
Thanks for your comments! I'll look into becoming an official contributer--later in the week, once I get all this MSW stuff in the mail!
