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CHCI Scholarship; Mexico = Opportunities for the Future



iamnicholas1 10 / 17  
Apr 16, 2014   #1
Prompt: What field do you intend to pursue if you receive the CHCI Scholarship, and how will the Latino community benefit? *
Word Limit: 300 words minimum; 600 words maximum


Does it answer the prompt well enough?? Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated!!

Here goes:

Glazed eyes peered out at us from the doorways of small shacks as we walked the dusty road to our destination. A somber mood hung over the slums like a sickness as we passed through the shantytown; even with the sounds of people in the background traveling toward the city, it was a trek that made us feel isolated from the rest of the world. But this was a journey I was used to. As a child, I would often accompany my mother on her visits to her family in Guadalajara, Mexico, a rare trip that offered me a frighteningly real view of the issues faced by the locals. There, hepatitis, malaria, and typhoid - all easily vaccinated against and treatable here in the United States - wreaked havoc in the neighborhoods. Even after returning to the United States, what I had seen remained burned into the back of my mind, even at such a young age. But it was miles away in another world; it was seemingly just another memory. Never did I once think the sickness would follow us home.

The news hit me hard when I found out Mom had cancer. Maybe it was the sight of her sleeping the day away and growing increasingly skinny that finally awoke my memories of my time in Guadalajara and motivated me to become a pediatrician. Here, miles away from the troubles I witnessed as a youth, I experienced the same helplessness that the children from my past must have felt. For nearly two years, I watched her as she was wheeled in and out of her chemotherapy treatments, never losing faith that tomorrow would be a better day. Each time, her smile shone with the same hope I now strive to spark within the youth of Mexico. In a world where opportunity and success are very much linked to the stability of one's childhood, I aim to make as much of a difference in the lives of impoverished children as my mother's doctors did in mine, working as tirelessly as they did to save my entire world. I believe good health and peace of mind are as sturdy of foundations as any, and with this scholarship, I will be one step closer to giving the children the fighting chance they deserve.

It will not be an easy task, however. With nearly 53.3 million people below the poverty line and many living in rural areas without readily available health care, my goal of opening up clinics dedicated to treating their daily ailments will be a mountainous task. Despite all this, I see Mexico as a land of opportunity. There, I see people with goals, aspirations, and fears the same as mine who strive to build successful futures with their own two hands. As I age, I know that I have been given the chance to make a difference where it is needed most. I can finally stop just observing the problem from a safe distance like I did as a boy and instead, with my childhood memories and my training on my mind, become a part of the solution.

pdcohen - / 7  
Apr 17, 2014   #2
This is a wonderful essay! There is so much personal experience and feeling in it.

I have just a few suggestions. You should put spaces between the paragraphs. Also, the paragraph starting "The news hit me hard ..." gets a bit confusing because you move back and forth between describing your mother's sickness and your memory of Mexico. I suggest you separate these sections. Here's one possible edit:

The news hit me hard when I found out Mom had cancer. I watched her sleep the day away and grow increasingly skinny. For nearly two years, I watched her as she was wheeled in and out of chemotherapy treatments, never losing faith that tomorrow would be a better day. Each time, her smile shone with hope. [NOTE: You should let us know what happened to your mother. You have made us care about her!]

The sight of my mother's decline awoke the memories of my time in Guadalajara. I experienced the same helplessness that the children from my past must have felt. It motivated me to become a pediatrician. In a world where opportunity and success are very much linked to the stability of one's childhood, I aim to make as much of a difference in the lives of impoverished children as my mother's doctors did in mine as they worked tirelessly to save my entire world. I believe good health and peace of mind are sturdy foundations. With this scholarship, I will be one step closer to giving the children I see every day the fighting chance they deserve.
saichicka39 3 / 6  
Apr 17, 2014   #3
This is such a beautiful and touching essay. I love the personal story that motivated you to become a physician. However, I would put more on how you would like to become a pediatrician. I believe that the personal piece should not feel more powerful than the message you are trying to communicate with the reader. Bravo!!!
Sakaaki 1 / 2  
May 7, 2014   #4
I know exactly how you feel.
My mother also had a cancer, and watching her going through all that treatments was painful for me too.

It was so heart-breaking how she keep smiling to everybody and said that; she's okay, it doesn't hurt, even when she got paler and skinnier every day.

It was such a shock that shortly after the doctor said that her cancer has shrunk to a non-life-threatening size and that she was getting better, we lost her to another disease.

It was still fresh in my memory, and heart.

I'm sorry that I can't offer any help regarding your essay. Because I'm lacking the skill to be of any help.

But I just want to say my support. so do your best and, good luck!


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