"clinical psychologist" - Personal Motivaton/ Objectives (your career aspiration)

I am the lucky one. I know the path I would take in my life. An incident during my childhood was the impetus to my decision in taking up psychology. Once, my friends, one of whom was a mentally retarded boy, and I were throwing pebbles at a tree. When the boy with mental disorder failed to hit the target, he was furious and he walked away from our group. I was playing joyfully but when I turned my head, a stone was thrown at my forehead. My forehead was injured. I cried loudly and my parents sent me back home. They told me not to go near the boy anymore. I was troubled. I kept asking myself why did he injure me. I was confused but I believed that I would know the answer one day. And now, I hope to be on my way towards the answer through the road of psychology.

I wish to become a clinical psychologist. I have always been fascinated to learn about the human mind and the reasons behind every behaviour. I want to help others to solve their maladjustment and release their anger. As Moses R. Kaufman said, "anybody who is 25 or 30 years old has physical scars from all sorts of things, from tuberculosis to polio. It's the same with the mind." , I know that many people, including my family, are suffering from mental illness but only infinitesimal amount have the guts to face the scars in their lives. I wish I could crawl into their wounds to discover where their fears are because once the bleeding start, the cleansing can begin.

Unfortunately, I am facing financial problems in achieving my dream. I hope that University can lend me a hand in accomplishing my dream to understand minds and empower lives.

Thank you for reading. Should I include the last paragraph? Please feel free to correct my grammar, shorten it and beautify my languages. Thank you :)

First, I want to know you're going to apply the undergraduate or the graduate degree. If graduate degree, you'd better refer some relative courses you learn in your university.

Second, I suggest you to add more details such as your mood and detailed thought at that time, which can convince the professor why this experience made you decide the personal life derection.

BTW, In my opinion, you can add the last paragraph when you get the offer.

loveoaple
This is for scholarship application for my undergraduate psychology course. It is too long and I have to make it shorter, so I can't add anything else. Only about three quarters of my essay can be fitted in the space provided.

Btw, what do you meant by "When I get the offer"?

Anyway, thank you very much for your comment.

Oh,I'm sorry! I didn't see the essay kind --"Scholarship Essays".I thought it was a personal statement and written for the application. So I thought it was too short.

Please help me to edit my essay. It is really urgent. Thank you so much :)

Please help me to shorten and change my grammar mistake in my essay as soon as possible. It is really urgent. Moderator, please reply. Your helps are greatly appreciated. I have edited the essay, here's the second version:

I am the lucky one. I know the path I would take in my life. An incident during my childhood was the impetus to my decision in taking up psychology. Once, my friends, one of whom was a mentally retarded boy, and I were throwing pebbles at a tree. When the boy with mental disorder failed to hit the target, he was furious and he walked away from our group. I was playing joyfully but when I turned my head, a stone was thrown at my forehead. My forehead was injured. I cried loudly.and my parents sent me back home. TheyMy parents told me not to go near the boy anymore. I was troubled. I kept asking myself why did he injure me. I was confused but I believed that I would know the answer one day. And now, I hope to be on my way towards the answerreasons behind his action through the road of psychology.

I wish to become a clinical psychologist. I have always been fascinated to learn about the human mind and the reasons behind every behaviour. I want to help others to solve their maladjustment and release their anger. As Moses R. Kaufman said, "anybody who is 25 or 30 years old has physical scars from all sorts of things, from tuberculosis to polio. It's the same with the mind." , I know that many people, including my family, are suffering from mental illness but only infinitesimal amount have the guts to face the scars in their lives. I wish I could crawl into their wounds to discover where their fears are because once the bleeding starts , the cleansing can begin.

Unfortunately, I am facing financial problems in achieving my dream. I hope that University can lend me a hand in accomplishing my dream to understand minds and empower lives.

Which one is better? Version 1 or 2? I really need to shorten it because it is too long. Can anyone helps me to shorten it some more and edit my grammar. Please lend me your hands. Thank you very much :)