'commercial photography market in Russia' - Chevening scholarship. Post-study career plan.

Help another non-english student to correct one of the essays :)
I really appreciate any comments and corrections

Chevening is looking for individuals who have a clear post-study career plan. Outline your immediate plans upon returning home and your longer term career goals, considering how these relate to UK priorities in your country.

(minimum word count: 50 words, maximum word count: 500 words)

Compared to Europe and America, commercial photography market in Russia is only beginning to develop - even now, most of advertising campaigns are shot abroad. The main problem - the lack of a full-fledged professional education, and, as a consequence, professionals. The only BA in Photography provides a branch of the The British Higher School of Art and Design in Moscow and only on a commercial basis, making it virtually inaccessible to ordinary people.

Education in England - is the ability to obtain and, eventually, transmit to others, the knowledge, that most of the amateur photographers in Russia learn fitfully from internet articles. Therefore, after returning to Russia, I want to get a job as a teacher in my former university. Currently, photography course is based on only technical knowledge - students learn how to work with studio light, how to use camera, learn the basics of composition, perspective and etc. Unfortunately, this is not enough if someone want to be a professional photographer and receive a steady income every month. That's why, I want to develop a more complete course of commercial photography, including lectures about photography market, finding customers, shooting organization, retouching workshops compiling a portfolio and all the things that will help students in the end get their first order.

Also, now I'm developing a project of the creative cluster, whose launch is planned in the next couple of years. Apart from the profit from commercial lease and residential rental, the cluster will work closely with the creative universities and provide them free spaces for lectures and workshops - as an example - will be open free photo studio and a computer room for students where they can come at any time and work on their projects.

In addition, I'm going to to reassemble my team, consisting of a make-up artist, stylist and manager and start producing shootings, working on a commercial basis with the local brands of clothing.

As known, no sweet without sweat. Perhaps the plan looks too ambitious, but I believe that if you work hard, you will succeed. And I'm ready to work hard to ensure that in the end everything described above will become my lifework.

Oxana, all of your plans seem to be for the benefit of yourself and the industry in your country. I can't find any reference to the UK interests in Russian photography. You were supposed to outline a career plan that could boost not only your career, the photography industry in your country, but first and foremost, the UK priorities in your country. So I guess the first question you should be asking yourself as you develop the outline for your revised essay is "What exactly are the UK priorities in Russia when it comes to the photography industry?". Then ask yourself "How can I connect their interests with the interests of my country in developing this line of work?" Finally, "How do I fit into this picture? What should my participation be in promoting the overall scheme of things?"

Your reflection on your plans are too superficial for it to have a resounding effect on the photo industry in your country. Most of the plans you talk about are just short term and do not really reflect any long term ambitions for the industry or yourself. Try to talk about your goals using a decade by decade or year by year plan in order to create a clear connection between your short term goals that will eventually merge with your long term aspirations for yourself, the industry, and the UK interests in the field.

Your conclusion is too assuming when it should not be. Do not make comments about how possible or impossible your plans are. Just present your plans in the strongest manner possible. Whether it becomes a reality or not is not important. What matters to the reviewer, is that you actually have plans for your future after graduation. Otherwise giving you the scholarship will be useless.

Thanks a lot for such detailed answer, but I want to clarify something:
1) Why do you think that teaching and creative cluster are short-term plans? First of all, you can be a teacher for years and I don't want to end up with it in 3-5 years. Secondly, it'll take about 5-10 years to create a good creative cluster, because business planning, realization, promotion, development, creation a recognizable brand, all it takes a lot of time. In my city we have one really good project in this field, it was set up 7 years ago and it still continues its growth and development. Though, if 10 years is not enough - OK. By the way, I don't think that it's too superficial, because photography is pretty popular in Russia, but we really don't have normal photography programs in universities/colleges and people have to educate themselves.

2) About UK interests - I thought to sum up everything and write about cultural/experience/knowledge exchange between foreign and Russian artists, due to the the residence (about which I already wrote), and the organization of international exhibitions. What do you think about this, could it be UK priorities in my country?

Hi Oxana :-) I'll be more than happy to clarify these points for you. I hope my explanation can further help you enhance your essay. Let me respond to your questions by number alright?

1) I am not demeaning your post study career plan. In fact, I admire you for having some pretty specific post study plans. The problem with your plan, lies in the way that you presented it. When you present your post study plan, most specially your career goals, it is always best to do the presentation using a time frame. Did you see how you presented the plan to me using more details about how it could take at least 5 years to create a good creative cluster? That is exactly what you should present to the reviewer. Use the years that it will take to implement your plans so that you can signify and differentiate between your short term (5-10 year career plan) from your long term (20 year career plan) goals. I apologize for using the term superficial. It was not my intention to insult you. The reason I used the term was because of this specific line in your response:

In addition, I'm going to to reassemble my team, consisting of a make-up artist, stylist and manager and start producing shootings, working on a commercial basis with the local brands of clothing.

It made the response become too self-centered in feel. If you can reword it to be more inclusive of the team career-wise then the superficiality can be limited or erased. If you can just explain how reassembling your team will be beneficial to the photography community in your country then it will carry more impact and importance when the reviewer reads the response.

2) I would suggest that you base your response to the UK interests in your country upon research. Look up the British Photography Council online and read the news section. They have certain photography industry concerns that I am sure will also resonate with the problems that you have in Russia. Those reasons reasons could better resonate in terms of UK interests in Russia, provided the problems or situations that you find parallel your community situation in Russia. The cultural experience / knowledge exchange don't really resonate as a UK interest. The reasons why certain international photographic exhibitions held in Russia might work though. Provided you can find factual connections between Russia and the UK in that case. The idea is to show that the UK can help Russia better develop the photography industry through certain projects, grants, etc.