Confidence - My questbridge scholarship short answer 1

The question is

Tell us about one of your proudest achievements or moments and what it says about you.

For a long time in my life, I didn't have the confidence needed to accurately communicate what was on my mind. This has stopped me from fully participating in discussions even though I had so much to say. But one day in my law class last year I heard one of my white classmates state "I feel that white privilege is not a thing". Inside me, something boiled over and I truly said what's on mind trying to educate on this topic that those around her have failed to do. I did not let my anger overtake me and cause me to stay silent instead I let it empower me to clearly communicate my message. After I was done speaking my teacher looked at me surprised as he never heard me talk with that much intensity. This moment led to me learning that I enjoy being at the head of conversations like this which has helped grow my leadership skills. I now have the confidence to be more expressive when I talk causing me to be a gripping speaker. My willingness to explore new parts of myself has led to me becoming a person who can achieve anything.

I think it is pretty good. But it would be better to write more detail such as what you said to your classmate at that moment. And if you have other nice materials, I think it's not a bad idea to write it again in a different way.

The last sentence feels like it belongs to a new paragraph that you decided to suddenly leave in there. It would be better for you to remove the reference to the last sentence. Just for clarity purposes. It doesn't really connect well with the previous sentences. Please avoid writing in contractions as this is an academic statement. Spell it out, I did not have... What was on... You are also lacking comma usage at certain points within the presentation. It would be better if you edit the content and punctuation, just to make sure you have a smooth statement presentation for the reviewer to read.

@Holt
Hi add what points would i need to add a comma