"to contribute to such active learner environment" - Singapore and USA

Hello. I am a new member. Hope to your help.!!!
I am applying for scholarship in Singapore and the USA. Could you check my application essay??

The topic: Tell us how will you contribute to our community,which is a vibrant school with active learners and a lot of exciting activities.

My essay:

I was once an introvert but my exposure to the outside world led me to break out of my shell. One experience after another helped me improve into being the outgoing student I am today. Growing up in the capital city of Vietnam and attending one of the most diverse schools in Hanoi as well as being national champion in Chinese chess, I think I can contribute several things to the community.

First, I think the desire to success academically will be my first priority to contribute to such active learner environment. I attain second place in Math competition at my school so Math will be my first subject to focus on. My eager to learn and improve my knowledge will also lead me to accomplish good mark in other courses. In order to do so I will spend more time to study at home as well as concentrate at classes. Thus, I can contribute my passion and motivation in pursuing academic excellence as a part of active learning community.

Second, as national champion in Chinese chess in my country, I believe my experience will be useful to help student who like to participate in the activity. I have participated 7 times in national competition in Chinese chess and attain first place 4 times. With many years experience I figure out that Chinese chess is really helpful for conceptual skills which is highlight recommend for student as one of the activity to develop their mental capacity. It also brings fun for the people who play it meanwhile relaxing after hard time studying. So I think I can contribute my knowledge to develop this non-sporting activity to enrich the high quality of activities at Sji-international school.

My commitment to community and volunteer services is also another thing that I can bring to the community. While working hard at the national Chinese club and excelling in academic achievement, I still find time to volunteer with numerous organizations. Volunteer to distribute goods to homeless people in the town near Hanoi and help packaging presents to children in SOS village were unforgettable memories for me. My volunteer experiences have positively influenced my life and made me a well-rounded person. I am planning to keep volunteering while attending Sji-school and it will make my college experience diverse and valuable.

In conclusion, as ambitious girl with eager to get an excellence result from studying as well as having unique skill in chess and having a heart for volunteer activity I believe that I can contribute and enrich the lives of Sji-international school and make the school proud of having me as a student.

I was once an introvert but my exposure to the outside world led me to break out of my shell. One experience after another helped me improve into being the outgoing student I am today. Growing up in the capital city of Vietnam and attending one of the most diverse schools in Hanoi as well as being national champion in Chinese chess, I think I can greatly contribute to your community.

Firstly , I think my desire to success academically is always on the top of my priorities list. I attain second place in Math competition at my school so Math will be my first subject to focus on. My eagerness to learn and improve my knowledge will also lead me to achieve good mark in other courses. Self-study and paying full attention during classes also help me to better my result . Thus, with my passion and motivation in pursuing academic excellence I can be a great asset of your active learning community.

Moreover , as national champion in Chinese chess in my country, I believe my experience may be useful to help students who are interested in that activity. I have participated 7 times in national competition in Chinese chess and attained first place 4 times. With many years experience I figure out that Chinese chess is really helpful for conceptual skills which is highlight recommend for student as one of the activity to develop their mental capacity. It also brings about fun to people who play it for relaxtion after hard time studying. So I think I can contribute my knowledge to develop this non-sporting activity to enrich the high quality of activities at Sji-international school.

My commitment to community and volunteer services is also another thing that I can bring to the community. While working hard at the national Chinese club and excelling in academic achievement, I still find time to volunteer for numerous organizations. Helping to distribute goods to homeless people in the town near Hanoi along with to package presents to children in SOS village were unforgettable memories for me. My volunteer experiences have positively influenced my life and made me a well-rounded person (I think this sentence is a bit arrogant @@). I am planning to keep volunteering while attending Sji-school and it will make my college experience diverse and valuable (Unnecessary).

In conclusion, as an ambitious girl who eagerly want to perform academically well as well as having unique skill in chess and having a heart for volunteer activity I believe that I can contribute and enrich the lives of Sji-international school and make the school proud of having me as a student.

I think you you should tell more about yourself and you chess skills in the third paragraph.The three last sentences in that paragraph are just merely some facts that the admission officers can find anywhere on the internet.

You know, I think it is okay to say first, and it is okay to say firstly. I understand Tran An Dung's idea, but actually I think your way is alright.

However, I see some errors:

First, I think the desire to succeed academically will be my first priority as I contribute to such an active learning environment. ---Practice typing this sentence 10 times. The practice is more important than the application.

I attain attained second place in a Math competition at my school, so Math will be my first subject to focus on. My eagerness to learn and improve my knowledge will also lead me to accomplish good marks in other courses.

In order to do so I will ...
This part is too obvious! You can express your own unique idea and approach to a career. You can express the unique concept that drives you to have such success. So, give your most interesting insight at the end of the essay. :-)

Thanks all your comments!!!
I certainly will correct my mistakes and try another essay.
Thanks a lot.:)