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My contribution to help in developing my country to be a global center of financial services



bilguunsaikhan 1 / 1  
Apr 22, 2017   #1
please help me with my essay

How will the proposed study contribute to your career



Post MBA , I hope to advance corporate banking manager then The head of the Corporate banking department in further. In order to advance from my current position as relationship manager with retail customer service responsibilities to corporate banking manager, I need to grow in three areas: 1) international financial knowledge that acquired in developed country where already familiar and expert in this field, 2) managerial problem solving ability 3) investment

Courses offering from MBA program in Australia such as accounting, financing - can significantly contribute to my analyzing and tackling needs and capacity of clients whose requirement usually overweight from bank's capability, through solving international financial source with lower rate/expenditure. The "managing complex project" course, for example, will contribute me lead the team which serve and collaborate with corporate clients from different fields as head of corporate banking department.

Coming from my multidisciplinary background which combines undergraduate studies of Saint-Petersburg State University of Economics and Finance, as well as experience in retail customer service and sales, I hope that MBA's multidisciplinary approach like "investment", "business law" will enable me to better utilize my knowledge to my future career passion as leader position.

My ultimate dream is to help develop my country to be a global center of financial services. I believe my country offers several advantages such as strong human resources, entrepreneurship culture and cultural diversification. I would like to see my country stand in the forefront of the region financial industry much like Singapore managed to do in the Far East. By acquiring an important role in the financial sector, I hope to be able to establish global investment funds which will make the dream come true.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15384  
Apr 22, 2017   #2
Bilguunsaikhan, only the second paragraph of this response statement actually describes what the prompt is directing you to respond to. That is because you are being asked to describe only how you see this course of study helping you to advance in your career. It is not asking you about what your future career plans are, or what your academic background is. That is what most of the essay that you wrote presents to the reader. As that is not the correct approach to the essay, it would be best if you can just remove the irrelevant parts and build a new response based upon the second paragraph, which can then become your new opening statement. You don't really need an extensive response for this particular prompt. A single paragraph response will be sufficient since that already perfectly describes your response to the prompt.
OP bilguunsaikhan 1 / 1  
Apr 24, 2017   #3
@Holt
thank for response and valuable comment on my essay. and i tried to response again on your comment base.


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