Scholarship Essay - degree vs a positive contribution to society

Question: How will obtaining a college degree enable you to make a positive contribution to society?

Essay:

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." I have dreamed and I have looked into my heart and one day I hope to become a doctor where I will get the joy of saving lives every day. However, this will never be possible with out a Ph.D. and many years of college and training. Ever since I was in the fifth grade when I first began studying all the systems of the human body I've wanted to become a doctor. My father always encouraged this idea because of its intrinsic and extrinsic values. I could help and interact with people as well as obtain an endlessly beneficial education. I was always taught to think of others and when I imagine the helpless lives fighting to survive I feel obliged to help. I always knew I wanted to help others medically because I truly enjoy studying the human body and applying my talents to help others is the best contribution I can make. The past few months have been an eye opener to the expenses of college especially considering I will be staying in college for about 10 or 12 years before I actually become a certified physician. But I believe the final result of becoming a doctor and saving lives outweighs the expenses I face now. I wish to one day provide high-quality care from a quality education in order to take care of my patients.

As a physician I will not only be able to help cure and save people but I can also help research, teach, and train others. For example, my mother died when I was only 14 years old of lung cancer and I would love to help research and contribute to find a cure for cancer. The opportunity to prevent other people from suffering the loss of a loved one or suffering through chemotherapy and cancer would be an immeasurable joy. Also, once I receive a college degree and become a doctor I will be able to train other hopeful medical students and help them become life-savers. "When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge," from Confucius. I do not only want to use my talents and knowledge to save people, but to enlighten and teach other future doctors in order to ensure our world quality and care. In addition, I would have the chance to teach high school students, our future, about crucial ways to stay healthy. As a physician I could travel to conferences and take on interns looking to also enter the medical field. I believe your greatest gift is your health because without it you have nothing and I hope to help our society by ensuring every person with good health. With my knowledge and passion I will obtain a medical degree and inspire and cure others.

Please help my edit my essay for grammer, punctuation as well as my focus and any advice in order to make my essay the best so i can win this scholarship! :D

Hmmmm . . . I'd say you need to decide what sort of doctor you want to be, and focus your essay on that. For instance, "I would love to help research and contribute to find a cure for cancer" implies that you want to be a medical researcher. However, "I wish to one day provide high-quality care from a quality education in order to take care of my patients" implies something more like a general practitioner. The focus on saving lives of individual patients might imply that you wanted to be some sort of surgeon. It is not unusual for students entering their undergrad to not know exactly what they want to focus in, but the essay would be stronger if you just wrote as if you had settled on just one area of specialization. It's not like the essay is a binding contract that will prevent you from following a different course of study if you change your mind later on.

I have dreamed and I have looked into my heart and one day I hope to become a doctor where I will get the joy of saving lives every day .

"I could help and interact with people as well as obtain an endlessly beneficial education." Do you mean while you're in school or when you become a doctor?

The past few months have been an eye opener to the expenses of college, especially considering I will be

I do not only want to use my talents and knowledge to save people, but to enlighten and teach other future doctors in order to ensure our world the quality and quantity care.

This sentence, (above) needs an overhaul.

In addition, I would have the chance to teach high school students, our future, about crucial ways to stay healthy and
I believe your greatest gift is your health because without it you have nothing and I hope to help our society by ensuring every person with good health.

This (above) sounds too dramatic, almost like you were running out of time and threw a lot of words together.

:)

As a physician I will be able to not only help cure...

I moved "not only," do you like it better that way? No big deal.

This looks great, and it seems natural and honest. That is good stuff; i think it will make a god impression.

Maybe you will sound more realistic if you talk about wanting to find effective treatments for lung cancer rather than a "cure." In fact, maybe you should talk about cancer research in general. You might want to refer to an example of modern cancer research, just with a quick sentence, to show that you are actively learning. Here is one for your own, independent study that you do in addition to school work, because you know that is how to be a high achiever: clincancerres.aacrjournals.org/cgi/content/full/9/11/4077

Sounds like you have a clear vision of what you want to do with your life. Good job. A couple of minor suggestions:

"I would love to help research and contribute to finding a cure for cancer."

"'When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge,' from Confucius." Integrate your quote with the rest of the essay.