Hi!
Could anyone help me fix my answer (grammar, sentence construction and organization of thoughts) to this question: The deadline of submission of this is on July 31,2016 already.
Please explain how receiving an Endeavour scholarship or fellowship would make a difference to your personal life. (200 words)
I do believe that the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. Since young, I always have an eye for art and really love doing art crafts and scrapbooking stuffs. As I grew, it has always been a dream for me to study Design/Multimedia. However, life in the Philippines was not easy and has to appreciate what my parents could only afford for us. And so, I did not have a Bachelor's degree in Design because of financial constraints. Nevertheless, after graduation, I was employed at my Alma mater at the Office of the President; there they had discovered my strength and passion in design.
As what Gabrielle Bernstein had said, "Allow your passion to become your purpose, and it will one day become your profession". With that cliché, Endeavour Scholarship will be the way for me to reach my dream and a way for me to help my countrymen and even the whole world through my passion and potentials. If I would be granted an Endeavour scholarship, it would change my whole life for it will give me a pathway to the design industry and a new career as well.
Alima, here's my contribution towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.
1st paragraph:
- I do believe that the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.(if this was a quote from a well-known person, you need to mention who he/she was. If I'm not mistaken, this had previously stated by Eleanor Roosevelt)
- Since young, I have always havehad an eye for art... (present perfect)
- ...it has always been a dream for me to study Design/Multimedia design or multimedia. (no need to be capitalized, and it is better to use letters/words rather than symbol)
- However, life in the Philippines was not easy(negative sense, somehow it indicates that you are a person who often complains rather than appreciate. I think it is unnecessary) and has to appreciate what my parents could only afford for us.
- And soMoreover , I did not have a Bachelor's degree in Design because... (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so are informal expression if it is placed in the beginning of the sentence)
- Nevertheless, after graduation, I was employed atby my Alma mater at the Office of the President. (period, new sentence) thereIn that place, they had discovered my pure/powerful/valuable/remarkable strength and passion in design. (pick one of them)
2nd paragraph:
- ...it would change my whole life for it will give me a pathway to the design industry(how?) and a new career as well. (needs example or elaboration. If the words limit bother you, you can summarize your first paragraph by deleting unimportant details.
As seen, you still need a lot of works to be done. Good luck in revising this essay. :)
Thank you so much ichanpants89, i really appreciated it. I will follow your corrections and inputs. I'll try to revise more this essay, although i have 3 more essays to let it be checked
Hi justivy03, i really do appreciate your comments. They are very helpful and made my output more appealing to the readers. Anyways, you're from Philippines too? It's nice to meet you. Can i have a favor again? i still have 3 more essays that was not checked. Could you please help me? Next time start a separate thread
ŹPlease summarise, in words that can be understood by a person outside your field, details of your proposed programme, why you chose your proposed host organisation and what your proposed programme is intended to achieve. Also provide details, including proposed dates and locations of any proposed fieldwork and/or internships. (300 words)(*this is more than 300 words:(
The Master of Design at UNSW is an interdisciplinary program that allows students to explore a diverse range of design concerns from an interdisciplinary approach. This course covers a wide area of practices, including Experience Design, Interaction Design, Visualisation and Visual Effects; Future Making, and Graphic Communication.
I chose to study at the University of New South Wales because aside from it is highly regarded globally and is renowned for its research, learning and teaching, and the quality of their graduates, UNSW's design education programme was unique in its curriculum, facilities, industry-engagement, and innovative learning environment, which I believe would hone and bold me for the future and would give lots of opportunities for me to achieve my dream.
The program would equip me and will provide advance knowledge and skills to effectively create and build something with a purpose. I want to make something that would uplift the lives of people and make the world a better place with practical and real-world solutions through User Experience (UX) design (the usability, ease of use, and pleasure provided in the interaction of the product) and User Interface (UI) design (the look and feel, the presentation and interactivity of a product).
Philippines was considered as one of the worst traffic in the Earth. My work is to come up with a Traffic Control System App where traffic enforcers, drivers and commuters will benefit. For the traffic enforcer, it is programmed that he can operate the traffic lights and control the traffic in a digital way. For the driver and commuters, it is an app that they would be able to see the running traffic in the road and will be given a suggested alternative route to avoid the traffic.
By the near-end of my 2nd year, I would seek to have an intern to one of the best Graphic Design and Web Development Agencies in Sydney like Toast Creative and Handle to have a hands-on and real-world experience.
Please provide details of how your proposed programme would further your academic and/or professional career. (200 words)
I began my undergraduate degree studying a Bachelor of Science in Development Communication. Although Design is at the other end of the scale, I have a real passion for art and design which is something I hope to bring and build to my country. The Master of Design in UNSW provides for pathways for those who wish to enter design from other professional backgrounds. Through the use of effective multimedia design and art, I could effectively communicate to stakeholders and bridge the gap between the marginalized sectors and the privileged.
If I have given an opportunity to study Masters of Design in Australia, I will use the leadership that I could gain and develop as a medium for the development of my country through advanced practical design knowledge and skills. It would provide me a new career and a chance to engage to programs and projects that integrate technology, design thinking, conceptual exploration, strategy and communication with practical skills to focus on the role of design in innovation and the global economy. It will give me the opportunity to make something much more bigger that would benefit my country such as the Traffic Control System App and other more.
Please provide details of how your proposed programme will benefit Australia and your potential to foster ongoing collaboration and cooperation with your home and host countries. (200 words)
Being awarded to study in Australia will aid me to facilitate collaboration and cooperation between Australia and Philippines. While studying in Australia, I would take full advantage to network, make global connections to employers and be a pioneer to propose great projects for funding that may benefit not only my country but may help the entire nation.
I am certain that I could bridge the global differences among culture and norms of Filipinos and Australians; strengthen networking for sharing of knowledge and experiences, conduct capacity-building and training programmes by carrying out and put into practice everything I learned in Australia.
I could give Australia the privilege to provide technical and economic assistance, including access to and sharing of accessible and assistive technologies and through technology transfer. Give access and support to Australia to do research in the Philippines to address problems in the local setting.
Philippines in this area are already behind to what is up to date in the modern contemporary art and technical knowledge because of lack of available technology and limited number of credible learning institution for arts and graphic designs, most colleges in the country are focused to academic courses such as Business, English, and Sciences.
Hi Alima, below are the modifications for the following essay.
Please provide details of how your proposed programme would further your academic and/or professional career. (200 words)
- degree studying a Bachelor of
- I have a real passion for art
- and build toin my country.
- If I have given anGiven the opportunity
- the development of my countryfield through advanced
- It wouldThis will enable me to provide me a new
- career and a chance to engage toin programs
- much more bigger that would benefit my country
- such as the Traffic Control System App and other morethe likes .
There you have it Alima, the corrections above are focused on the proper words to be used in your sentences as well as the appropriate tenses of the words in order to create a stronger essay. I also want to stress that, with this study, refrain from aiming for your country's welfare, remember, you can only do so much as an individual, having said that, you have to focus on your achievements first before the welfare of your country.
Hello Justivy03! Thank you for your time checking my write-up, i know its a mess and gave you the hard time checking this but i appreciated it a lot. I really do. By the way, I will soon let you know the outcome of the result.
Sometimes i do a lot of being out of the topic answering the questions, but as you have said i was able to answer them. Also, i think my answers are very weak, i mean i don't have an answer which i really stand out from the rest :( anyway, i'll try to push through with this, i guess there's no harm of trying
Hi Alima, indeed, there's no harm in trying, however, apart from trying hard you have to give it your best as well in answering the questions. One trick that I did before, in order to understand the question, use Google translate, this will allow you not only to understand the question but also see how the words come together in a foreign language.
You also don't have to worry about coming up with a weak answer, this doesn't mean that you are weak too, this just means that you are trying your hardest and in order to express yourself and make your ideas known to the purpose of your essay.
Furthermore, English is not our mother tongue and its just acceptable that you are not that fluent in the language, as they always say, practice makes perfect and this is absolutely true and effective. Just to share with you, I started practicing the language long before I mastered our own dialect and this helped me well through out the days of my adulthood and paved the way in achieving greater heights in life and if this happened to me, it will come to you too.
I hope to review more of your essays and writing projects soon, keep writing and the best of luck in your application.
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