From dreams into reality. It's first self-introduction of my life. I'm applying for KGSP

Hello, This is my first self-introduction. My English not well and the grammar still incorrect.
I need recommender about it. What I should to put and what I should to remove.
Thank you in advance.

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KGSP application essay

My nickname is Nane. I was born in Bangkok and raised at out of town in Thailand. I have passion in computers and technology since received a first computer at 12 years old. I spent time with it more than 4 hours per day for experimenting different options by myself. When I got some experiences that I can helping others about installing operating system, video or photo editing and router configuration. They offered compensation it made me enough money to bought other programs for learn new things. I bought a lot of programs and games until I got an idea to develop software to the society instead of a user. After that I was attracted into the world of technology. It makes me need to know it more and more everyday. In high school, I often was schools represent for taught basic of MS office and multimedia to personnel in school and help teachers to resolved problems about computer in classrooms. I always attended technological aptitude competitions and sometimes I got awards. Apart of my technology skills, I play basketball, volleyball, Petanque and I joined sports competition both of inside and outside school. Also I like to play guitar and loves photography.

During the university, I have been good learning about basics of software development environment I always to find knowledge and I am faster learner it made me could reach to Top 3 in classes. I have concentrated on education until I have specific knowledge and I can develop several software it brings me become a developer at present. But while I keep learning I do not forget to attended university's activities such as sport days, CSR camp and education training. I can control between education and activity. Finally, I got second class honors and outstanding student activities. When I was third years in the university I had to find topic for senior project I intended to develop mobile application for education with AR technology. But my professor not allowed the topic because the time not enough to do it. Nowadays the topic still is a topic I want to do in my future. So I changed my topic to Fitness application on IOS because I have interested in bodybuilding and my body was firm until people around asked how to did it. I hope the application will help them. My senior project won Senior projects award contest after that people in my college led me teach them about IOS development. I am glad and happy for disseminate my knowledge. Last semester of the university I was internship at IBMSD I joined project about Mobile banking development of Thanachart bank. I spent time at there for 4 months made me know I still lack of experiences about software analysis, security, structure design, not dynamic, hard to maintain and using system resources too much.

Currently, I work as solar cell system developer it has gave me new experiences about software development for hardware and communication through networking. But my team do not have system analyst or software engineering so developers must design all of software structure, database, user interface and data management. I can develop it but I have issue same as when I was internship. I hope to work as Project manager, Team leader or Software engineering but I still lack of knowledge and leadership. And I would like to learn living life in abroad, culture, languages and education that are different. So these problems and hopes made me decide to study postgraduate at Hanyang University, Korea major in Computer and Software Engineering. But I do not want to disturb family in finances so I searched for scholarship and I found KGSP.

Reason I selected the university and Korea because I have interested in K-pop since 2008 and in 2014 I attended Asia summer program. It is a camp has many countries to attended including Korea. The camp gave me chance for living with Korean people we exchanged culture and joined many activities together. In my opinion I loves straightforward habit of Korean people. They are sincere and have life goal that certainly. It made me loves Korean people, culture and language I have started to learn Korean language after the camp I learn from book and communicate with Korean people through social network. I intended Korean is my third languages. And Korea has good environment, modern building and many attractions. For the university I have interested in many courses at there can increases both of knowledge and leadership. And I like Bare-Hand-Based AR interface research with Mixed reality laboratory and AR technology still is a topic I want to develop. There is plenty of research it is suitable for people who like to learn all the time like me. It will give me ideas to do research and to be able to publish to the society. The university reach high rank and famous for Engineering this is will gain my career opportunities. Also I loves building design and convenient transportation to go to the university so it is a university in my dream. KGSP will give me to achieve my goal whether it be Korean language, education and life experiences. And I can share experiences from KGSP to people who interest in education and Korea along with I can bring knowledge I get from KGSP for develop myself and developers in my country more powerful.

The scholarship will make my dreams into my real world.

Hello!
There are a lot of grammar mistakes here, you really need to revise it.
When a verb is preceded by "to" you don't need to conjugate it, just keep it as it is .
Another note is for pronoun "I" , when conjugating any verb in the present simple, you just need to take the infinitive forme without "to" , it doesn't need any change, we add the "s" only when it is conjugated with (she/he/it)

I hope this helps :)

Wong, when you introduce yourself, there is no need to mention that you got your computer at the age of 12 and the minor things that you did which helped you gain an interest in it. You should restate that portion to not introduce an age and instead, just indicate that you have had a passion for computers since high school when you began to develop skills in computer programming that helped you earn money. This is the information that can be gleaned as the start of your motivation to become an advanced computer user.

One of the requirements of the KGSP scholarship is that you also speak about your hopes and wishes in life, including a point of view about life. That is not included in this version of your essay. I suggest that you include that point of view in relation to how your continued growth in the computer field has helped you to understand the complexities of life and how it can be resolved. That is a suggested approach to the hopes and dreams portion of the essay. You may also approach it from any angle that you want, as long as you reflect the necessary information.

Your second paragraph is too confusing. Try to consolidate the information you only your accomplishments in college because you need to introduce information about your internship that you had difficulty with. That way, when you say that you have the same problems now that you are a professional as when you were an intern, the reviewer will know what you are talking about. Connect these with the reason why you believe the KGSP can help you get a better education instead of studying the same course in your country which would be cheaper for you to do.

Please do not mention anything about family finances in the letter. You do not need to beg for the scholarship. You just need to apply for it. It is already a given that you cannot afford to study in Korea, much less support yourself as a student. Do not waste the space offered to you on paper. Build up the reasons that motivated you to apply for this program instead. Talk about computer technology, the chance to work in Korea for further training, or similar themes in the paragraph.

Do not mention K-Pop as a reason that you are interested to study in Korea. Be professional in your presentation. Clean up the discussion you presented about the Asia summer program instead and the exposure that you had to Korean culture and activities instead. That is more impressive to read about than K-Pop, which is the reason more applicants have for their interest in Korea.

@amelhope
Thank you very much, I will improve it.

@Holt
This is help me a lot. Before I wrote the essay I read a lot of essays and I try to combine ideas into my essay.

Thank you very much, I will re-write it again.

Wong, this is still not the kind of essay that you should be submitting to the KGSP because it does not accurately reflect any of the required information for the self introduction. I beg you not to use this version of the essay either. I guess you have not really bothered to research the requirements of the scholarship program because if you did, you would have known that the letter of self introduction requires highly specific information that follows a specific pattern. For the sake of assisting you with the proper development of this letter, I will provide you with the prompt requirements that you should have come across yourself if you had bothered to research the program and its requirements. The self introduction required information are as follows:

-Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
-Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
-Your motivations for applying for this program
-Reason for study in Korea

Are you sure that you are applying via the university track for the scholarship program? It does not seem like you are very familiar with the university that you are applying to because you only speak of the social aspect of the university and none of the academic side, which should be the main reason why you are opting to enroll at that university. Do me a favor and really take the time to research, draft, and write a proper self introduction letter based upon the suggestions above. You are wasting time by constantly writing essays that do not deliver on the prompt expectations. Try to get it right this time. Take your time. Don't rush. Double check your revised essay against the required prompt discussions. That is the best way to revise this essay on your part.

@nanenoiii
Hi, I think you need to work harder on your grammar. There are lots of grammar mistakes here and there.

@bumblebee Thank you sir, I try to improve it.

@Holt
Thanks, I have a lot mistake. I try wrote it for different from another essays. First two paragraph I try tell reviewer about my passion and reason for the passion and my effort. After that I try tell reviewer about my experiences while I was student at university. The last essay I spent a week for write it. So I draft new essay but not all of KGSP required. I just tell about course of life, view of life and background.

Now I don't have more time to write. It makes me pressure to write it.

How do you think about it ?
Thank you in advance again.

Wong, in the first paragraph, there is really no need for you to speak of your parents divorce unless it helped to shape the point of view about life or your life course. At the age of 5, I doubt that the divorce had that kind of effect on you so the reference to it can be safely removed. The paragraph about your interest in computers is also suspect because it sounds too much like the other essays focused on the same topic at this forum. Do not copy the work of the other students, develop your own.

As for the paragraphs about your education, it has too much information and not all of it is required by the KGSP so you can remove those references as well. For this scholarship, the focus of the academic essay should be only on the college side because that is where the connection with your masters degree comes in. After you tell the reviewer what you majored in while in college along with any achievements you may have had, you must immediately shift the focus to your professional experiences. If you lack after college professional experience, then you can mention some part time work that you did as a student, provided it is an impressive sort of internship or part time job at a known company or corporation. Otherwise, the lack of professional experience will prove to be a hindrance to your application.

If you already lack the time to properly develop this essay and this is the best that you can come up with, I do not suggest that you proceed further with your KGSP application. You will not make it past the first round of considerations because, based upon this current essay, you are not qualified for the program. If this is the best you have to offer the reviewer, I sincerely doubt that you can develop a proper study goal and a post study plan for yourself.

The career you have chosen to take a masters degree in is not even clear in this essay. There are no motivating factors for your interest in the scholarship and you do not even have any stated reasons for wanting to study in Korea. This essay just isn't at the level that a KGSP applicant is expected to be at when he applies for admission to the program.

The only think you can do now is either devote your time to properly writing an essay that can help your application or, you wait till you have gained more experience and then apply during the next round of applications. You definitely cannot use this essay for the March 10 deadline for the reasons I stated above.

@Holt
Thank you for comment
I intended to sent my application on 15 March the deadline is 24 March.

For my last post It just my life while I was in university. I will ask you it enough or not. If it okay I will put my internship and work experience, Reason I chose Korea and University

Now I have the essay 7 versions I finding the best for apply.
I worried about opening paragraph it has several form I'm not sure I should choose what part of my life as a student to write into essay but my work experience and reason, motivation for Korea and KGSP it will same as other versions of my essay.

The worst thing that you can do is post your essay part by part. That is not how to best write this essay and get reviews for it. You have to post the complete draft that represents all of the KGSP requirements. By doing that, I can properly assess and analyze the content of your essay for relevance and cohesiveness. As for whether or not the paragraphs you wrote are sufficient. I already explained why you cannot use that in this essay and how you should properly write that section for the KGSP required portions. Refer to thread 9 for those comments. I will not repeat it here. So you have 7 essays written? I hope those are complete essays that represent the required information of the self introduction letter. What you have to do now is pick only 1, the one that you feel is the best draft that you have, to work on for improvements based on what you now know of the prompt requirements.

Post that new essay in a new thread. Do not add it to this thread because that is a new essay which we will be working on. If you post that new essay here, it will be deleted and you will be asked to start a new thread. So choose the best of the 7 essays that you wrote, post it as a fresh essay in a new thread / topic and we will begin working on that essay in that thread. I hope I have made my instructions clear to you.