My eassay for master in inter trade law&finance. Is it good enough to apply for scholarship?

Hi,
If you were the admission committee,will you accept me?Is it good enough to apply for scholarship?.Please help comment,Thank you in advance!!!

The increasing in strategic partnership, free trade agreement as well as bilateral/multilateral co-operation between countries in the last few years has highlighted the important of internationalization. And Thailand is no exception, it is this challenging environment to which I intend to get to know more about global issues. Thus, my goal is not only to continue my career in finance field but also to broader new scope of interest wherein I could advance analytical approaches to diverse global economic system.

To achieve my career goals, I need to learn more about international finance which I have foundation knowledge from my bachelor degree of Business Administration(Major Banking and Finance) and my 3 years working experience in xxx, one of the world most important international bank. In order to add more value of my career path in international financial institution, I desire to learn broader area of business and law is interested me since I studied Business Law I and II in sophomore year in university. I fascinating to deepening knowledge in trade law and finance so I consider applying for The xxx Program which will provide me the formative and innovative analysis of judicial and economic rationality, an in depth idea of practical approaches in high level competencies and analytical skills, and offering professional internship track enable me to develop professional expertise. Moreover, I will acquire global vision and multicultural perspective by following two academic years in three different countries.

Strong academic background in various areas in finance, familiarity with international business environment and experience gained while working in multicultural organization have given me the confidence to tackle advanced problems on a macro level. In addition, having to handle multi-task and prepare various reports in accuracy and in timely manner have helped me to develop comprehensive analytical abilities, detail oriented and able to work under pressure. I look forward to applying these abilities to the immense opportunities available at your program.

I have selected the The xxx Program because of its outstanding faculty and research facilities of each participating institution, emphasis on a collaborative learning environment, flexibility in curriculum, study abroad opportunity and a global perspective to various international trade law and finance. I hope to become a part of this dynamic culture which will give me a leading edge to work effectively in diverse teams and situations.

The increasing in strategic partnership, free trade agreement as well as and bilateral/multilateral co-operation between countries in the last few years has have highlighted the important of internationalization.

I changes "as well as" to and, because the sentence is confusingly long already! :-)

use a semi-colon below:
And Thailand is no exception; it is in this challenging environment to which that I intend to get to know more about global issues.

...not only to continue my career in finance field but also to broaden my scope of interest and wherein I could advance analytical approaches to the diverse global economic system.

Yes, I would accept you. That first para had some grammar errors, but the substance of this is very good. Your seriousness is easy to identify.

Thank you for your reply.Is it good enough?Should I add or cut something?I concern that it may not strong enough to cross from finance to law.

Well, there is nothing wrong with changing from finance to law. A lot of factors determine what decision will be made; maybe you feel as though it is not as good as it could be. When you look at something you wrote, sometimes it does not feel right. I think you should try doing some more writing to see what you come up with, but don't agonize too much about it!

If you were going to cut something, I might suggest replacing some of this material with real examples:
Strong academic background in various areas in finance, .... specifically ________? familiarity with international business environment _______________(perhaps replace this phrase with a reference to actual expriences....
...and experience gained while working in multicultural organization NAME OF ORGANIZATION have given me the confidence to tackle advanced problems on a macro level.

But it really is written quite eloquently already. I hope you do well!!

Kevin, thank you for your kindly comment.I have revised some phrases as you suggested and already submited my application.I will let you know the result once update.Good luck for me :D

I think what you should do is just sit back relax and then write it all over a again.

Dont write it on the same lines as this one. First think of arguements as to why you want to change from finance to law and THEN phrase the arguements and make it more personal with real examples. I am sure you can think of something.

At the end of essay the reader should feel like he/she knows a bit about you so make it personal. It should sound like a conversation.