Economic Development - Commonwealth shared scholarship

Hello everyone,
Please help me proof read the below person statement written for the application of The Commonwealth shared scholarship.

Personal statement

Prompt:
Summarize the way in which your personal background has encouraged you to want to make an impact in your home country. You should indicate areas in which you have already contributed, such as having overcome any personal or community barriers to higher education. (Maximum of 500 words).

ANSWER
I was born and raised in a small village that is predominated by a large number of uneducated people. In other words, there exists a very low literacy level in my community, because only few attend school due to the high rate of poverty, as well as the unawareness of the benefits associated with Education. Like many other societies in my country, Nigeria, many people in my community find it difficult to provide for themselves the basic necessities of life; food, cloth and shelter. Thus, to attend school, (especially at the tertiary level) is always difficult for most of them since it involves a lot of expenses. Moreover, for the majority of those that are relatively rich, the ignorance of what it means to be educated always rules them.

However, I am lucky to be among the few who had the opportunity to attend university in the community. This happened due to my parent's support, especially my father who was a petty trader in one of the cities of my country. That is where he was inspired to support me for a university study.

Therefore, right from the time I began to understand how things move in my society, I strongminded to work hard and study well in school with the ambition that someday I will contribute to the development of my society. And so has happened!

After my first year in a university, I joined a community association founded by some of our elders, where I was given the position of Academic Secretary. In other words, I was saddled with the responsibilities of coordinating and managing all the academic affairs within the community. While holding this position, I succeeded in mobilizing voluntary teachers within and from the outside of the community, to be teaching in the community primary and secondary schools because the schools had insufficient teachers. Moreover, I also succeeded in initiating 'Mass adult literacy program', a program designed to teach adults who cannot read and write, how to do so. Enormous successes have been recorded over the 2 years I spent on this position; the enrolment rate in to primary and secondary schools has increased, various students have now secured admission into different tertiary institutions, and many adults have now learned how to read and write.

Thus, as a student of Economics during my undergraduate program, I understand that it is the failure of many governments, most especially in the developing countries, to manage Public resources efficiently in such a way that rural areas like my community, should have at least the basic life niceties that will alleviate poverty level, if not being eradicated entirely. As such, I applied to the School of Oriental and African Studies (SOAS), University of London to study M.Sc. Public Financial Management, because of its expertise in developing countries, like my country, Nigeria, with the aim of contributing to its development after the program.

I will appreciate your suggestions.
Regards!

Nazifi, avoid using information within a parenthesis when writing a formal essay. Information placed in a parenthesis does not mean it is highlighted, that means it can be omitted from reading. That is not your purpose so do not hide the information in the parenthesis. It would have been better highlighted as a part of the paragraph presentation, using a comma to indicate its important position in the discussion.

Do not use the term "saddled" to describe your assigned duties and responsibilities as a member of the community association. The term "saddled" is negative in definition because it means having to do things that you dislike. I do not believe that you meant to say that in your essay right? Instead, use the term "assigned" or "delegated to perform the task of..." Both deliver a formal approach to the presentation.

The last paragraph removes the attention of the reader from the required discussion points of the essay. It is best not to include that last paragraph at the moment in order to avoid deviating the attention of the reader and requiring him to read the total essay again, just to see how the last paragraph fits the discussion or, as in this case, does not fit the discussion.

Thanks you so such.
I appreciate the corrections.
So, you mean i should remove the last paragraph, right? But how you think i should explain the reason that encouraged me to apply for the school?

The prompt does not require you to explain why or how you chose the university you are applying to. This is not a school application essay yet. It is only a scholarship application. At this point, the explanation about the university is not yet required. That may be required later on, after you have been granted the scholarship but not before then. That is why you have to remove that information from your current presentation. Write only about the information that is being requested of you for this essay. You do not have to over-inform the reviewer. He doesn't need the university information at this point. Removing the last paragraph about the university will help your essay close on a track, within the required guidelines.

I know you want to tell the reviewer about the university choice at this point. However, the essay requirements only want to get to know about you and your experiences in life at this point. The reason for your academic choices will come later, after you have satisfied the scholarship requirements and passed the screening process. Don't rush things. The reviewer will not consider the university information at this point.

Thanks for the help.
I appreciate.