Hi! This is my essay for NTU Scholarship. I'm not sure if I had answered the prompt. I'm not used to writing an essay and I'm not really confident with my English. So I hope to receive some feedbacks and correction.
Prompt : Describe, in less than 300 words, a short essay on a subject of personal importance to you. You may choose any topic. Examples include: an event which has influenced you or a family member/friend/person who had a significant influence on you.
Talking about myself and science, I find myself to be strange compared to my whole family. As I am the only one that piqued an interest in science, especially physics, while my whole family doesn't have any background in science. Whose fault is this? I think it's Einstein's. I was given his biography while I was in elementary school, and after that time, I started taking interest in science, dreaming that someday I'll be known like him.
Before I realized, I have fallen in love deeper with science and I find myself quite similar to him, both of us like to think. When Einstein got a magnetic compass, he struggled understanding the movement of the needle. For him, it's not "what" happens which is important, but "why" it's like that. He thought there must be a reason for it and so, "why" was always a question for him. Those questions were what lead him to a thinking process, just like what he did when he worked in patent office. It's true that his fruit of thought still left some questions, like why the speed of light is the fastest? There must be a reason for it, but I'm sure the answer is just beyond our reach for now. Don't you agree that it will be amazing if we can comprehend the reason? To answer it, I'm sure that a lot of thinking will be involved. Finally, for me thinking and the curiosity is what makes you human.
Here I am now, struggling to find a place that can provide me with new question. Not because of fame or because I feel that Einstein and myself are alike, but because I love to think and understanding thing, and in the end, to answer that questions.
Thanks!
Sorry, I made revision in my own after thinking that my first opening doesn't really connect with the other part.
The prompt is still the same.
One thing most people don't enjoy is thinking hard, but I, in the other hand, like it. Whether it's a puzzle, mathematical problem, or even philosophical question, I enjoy my time thinking about it. Whose fault is this? I think it's Einstein's. I was given his biography while I was in elementary school, and after that time, I started taking interest in science, dreaming that someday I'll be known like him.
Before I realized, I have fallen in love deeper with science, its question and also its mysteries. Actually, I find myself quite similar to Einstein. When Einstein got a magnetic compass, he struggled understanding the movement of the needle. For him, it's not "what" happens which is important, but "why" it's like that. He thought there must be a reason for it and so, "why" was always a question for him. Those questions were what lead him to a thinking process, just like what he did when he worked in patent office. It's true that his fruit of thought still left some questions, like why the speed of light is the fastest? There must be a reason for it, but I'm sure the answer is just beyond our reach for now. Don't you agree that it will be amazing if we can comprehend the reason? To answer it, I'm sure that a lot of thinking will be involved. Finally, for me thinking and the curiosity is what makes you human.
Here I am now, struggling to find a place that can provide me with new question. Not because of fame or because I feel that Einstein and myself are alike, but because I love to think and understanding thing, and in the end, to answer that questions.
Anyone? No feedback? It's been some time. I made my second revision because I can't stand still watching. I change a lot of part, but I don't know if it is actually made an improvement.
Again, the prompt is the same.
One thing most people do not enjoy is thinking hard, but I, in the other hand, like it very much. Whether it is puzzle, mathematical problem, or even philosophical question, I always enjoy my time thinking about it. Whose fault is this? It is Einstein's. I was given his biography while I was in elementary school, and after that time, I started taking interest in science, dreaming that someday I will be known like him.
Before I realized, I have fallen in love with science, its question and also its mysteries. Remembering how Einstein reacted when he got magnetic compass, I really think he is amazing. He struggled understanding the movement of the needle, as for him it is not what happens which is important, but the cause of that phenomenon. He made me feel that in science, it is not just about observing a phenomenon, but also understanding it completely. It can only be achieved through a thinking process, which he did all his life. And again, before I realized, I have fallen deeper in my love for science. I tried to understand each formulas given in high school, not only just how to apply them in a written problems at school, but also about other aspect like situation when you can't apply it and also its reason. There are still a lot of questions that I can't answer, but I always enjoy my thinking time. It also made me realize that thinking and curiosity are what make you human.
Here I am now, struggling to find a place that will fuel me to understand science even better. Not because of fame or because I feel that Einstein and myself are alike, but because I love thinking, understanding, and answering question.
One thing most people do not enjoy is thinking hard, but I, in the other hand, like it very much. Whether it is a puzzle, mathematical problem, or even philosophical question, I always enjoy thinking. Whose fault is this? It is Einstein's. I was given his biography while I was in elementary school, and after that time, I started taking interest in science, dreaming that someday I will be agreat scientistknown like him.
Before I realized, I haved fallen in love with science, its question and also its mysteries. Remembering how Einstein reacted when he got magnetic compass, I really think he is amazing. When Einstein received a magnetic compass, he struggled understanding the movement of the needle., as For him, what mattered wasn't what happened , but why it happenedthe cause of that phenomenon . He made me feel that in science, it is not just about observing a phenomenon, but also understanding it completely.I immediately felt the same way towards such thinking process, which he did all his life. And again, before I realized,Before I knew it, I haved fallen deeper in my love for science. I tried to understand each formulas given in high school--- not only just how to apply them in awritten problems at school, but also about other aspects likeinreal world situations when you can't apply it and also its reason . There are still a lot of questions that I can't answer, but I always enjoy my thinking timepondering their solutions . It also made me realize that thinking and curiosity are what make us humans .
Here I am now, struggling to find a place that will fuel me to understand science even bettermy love for science . Not because of fame or because I feel that Einstein and myself are alike, but because I love thinking, understanding, and answering question.In the end, it's not about becoming famous or my connection with Einstein. It's because I'm a thinker, and science is the field that I find challenges and intrigues me the most.
You have to work on your grammar! You were missing a couple articles (a, an), improper pluralization, use of the second person, and so on.
I think that the fact that Einstein influenced you is a good start, but your essay leans toward the common side. You should talk about what Einstein has inspired you to do, not just how he changed the way you thought. I'm sure the other people applying for this scholarship are just as interested in their studies as you are. You need to show off what makes you unique in this essay.
Best of luck on your scholarship!!
Thanks for your feedback Allen! I really appreciate it.
Looks like I need to do a lot of correction.
I'll try to do what you suggested.