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Eligibility, financial need background, community involvement - Scholarship Essay; Graphic Designer


kmendez 1 / 5  
Jun 27, 2007   #1
The instructions on this essay was to be consice explaining your eligibility, financial need background and leadership and community involvement. Also, to explain how my current job and it's relationship to future plans.No more than one page. I put a * on sensitive information for security. I would really apprechiate your feedback, specially on grammar errors!

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My Goal was to be a Graphic Designer. In Puerto Rico, Graphic Design is not offered as a bachelor's degree but as a course, and it was not equipped with the necessary technology. My family couldn't afford to pay for my studies so I was depending on the Pell Grant to earn my degree. I was not conformed with the options I had in my home country, therefore, I decided to set my goals in the United States. I had done my research and decided where I wanted to study although, in spite of all my plans and effort to pay for tuition, including scholarships and loans, I was still not capable of affording it. My husband(boyfriend at the time), was starting his bachelor's in Electric Engineering when he offered a future with him. He said if he could find a job that could sustain us both, and I would be able to study, would I marry him. I said yes, he joined the *** and we moved to ***. Graphic Design is not offered here, but I enrolled in Communication studies, which prepares me for many jobs of my interest, for example, Teaching and Journalism. My goals as Graphic Designer are still in mind, I intend to pursue this career as a master's degree when we move to the states.

I should be considered for this scholarship because although the *** provides benefits like the Spouse Tuition Assistant, Is still not enough to pay for my degree. I am a responsible, hardworking person with leadership skills. My volunteer experience as a teacher's aid, shows I'm really dedicated and efficient in what I do, as well in my job at La Gurdia English school, teaching English to ***. This scholarship will help me pursue my current goal, move on to the next, and be a successful as a professional.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jun 28, 2007   #2
Greetings!

I'll be happy to give you some help with editing:

I was not conformed with the options I had in my home country , therefore, I decided to set my goals in the United States. - The syntax is not quite the way a native English speaker would say it. Better would be "I was not happy with the options available in my home country, so I decided to pursue my goals in the United States.

Communication studies, which will prepare me for many jobs in my area of interest

I think perhaps you should go into a bit more detail regarding your "leadership and community involvement." Your last paragraph should give more detail about what your leadership skills are and how you acquired them, and more about your job at the school would be good, too. If you need to cut down some of what you have already to make room for the additional details, I would suggest removing some of this paragraph:

"My husband(boyfriend at the time), was starting his bachelor's in Electric Engineering when he offered a future with him. He said if he could find a job that could sustain us both, and I would be able to study, would I marry him. I said yes, he joined the *** and we moved to ***."

You could easily edit that down to "my future husband offered to support me while I went back to school."

Probably the most important thing to remember about writing a scholarship essay is to answer the question presented as accurately, and with as much relevant detail, as possible.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP kmendez 1 / 5  
Jun 28, 2007   #3
Sarah,

You have been a great Help! I know I have trouble with my phrasing, my professor called it "akward". I guess it comes out wrong since my first laguange is spanish and I try to translate into English. Thanks for all your help!
OP kmendez 1 / 5  
Jun 29, 2007   #4
Hello,

I have Edited my last paragraph. I still think it needs something else, I just can't put my finger on it.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jun 29, 2007   #5
Greetings!

I made a few changes, including taking out one sentence and adding another. It can be tricky trying to "toot your own horn" while at the same time possessing a certain degree of humility. I think you do very well in your second language. See what you think of my changes:

I should be considered for this scholarship because although the Air Force provides benefits like the Spouse Tuition Assistant, it is still not enough to pay for my degree. I am a responsible and hardworking person who also enjoys volunteer work.
OP kmendez 1 / 5  
Jun 29, 2007   #6
Thanks again sarah, I think the change you made kicks it up. I've been trying hard to work on my english grammar. Is this an essay that could stand out?
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jun 30, 2007   #7
Greetings!

I think you are doing very well with your grammar. Your essay shows you to be someone who will be a dedicated student who will most likely go on to do good things. Universities like students who will be a credit to the school once they graduate. Your volunteering and teaching experience gives you extra credibility. I think you're in good shape!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP kmendez 1 / 5  
Jul 10, 2007   #8
Hello, apparently the essay if for not only once scholarship but various so I had to edit a little bit of the essay. Please let me know if it sounds right.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jul 10, 2007   #9
Greetings!

I made a few changes for you:

Although the Air Force provides benefits like the Spouse Tuition Assistant it is still not enough to pay for my degree. I am a responsible and hardworking person who also enjoys volunteering. For example, I volunteered as a teacher's aid at the Yokota West Elementary, helping kids with their schoolwork, correcting exams and preparing visual aids. I enjoy being proactive, working and giving my best. My volunteer experience and my current job, which is at La Guardia English School, teaching English to Japanese adults, show that I'm committed and efficient in what I do. I would like the opportunity to continue giving back to the community in my chosen profession. Please consider me for any scholarship for which I may qualify. The scholarship will help me accomplish my current goal, move on to the next and become a successful professional.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP kmendez 1 / 5  
Jul 10, 2007   #10
Great! Thanks


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