Explain why you feel you merit consideration as an applicant for an award or scholarship

the prompt is...
Explain why (in 100 words or more) you feel you merit consideration as an applicant for an award or scholarship.
-you may wish to include educational goals and any unusual circumstances (financial,
personal, etc.).
-Supply information that may be of assistance in considering your application.

THIS IS MY ESSAY:

During my sophomore year scheduling session with my guidance counselor, I signed up for all my classes that I wanted for the next year. However, I was left with one spot that needed to be filled. I had to chose between Introduction to Drama or entering the Sports and Entertainment Academy, a program in which you gain knowledge about the business and marketing fields. Without hesitation, I went with choice B. It was the best decision of my life.

It turns out I was a natural at marketing and advertising. Whenever a project was assigned, the project my partner and I worked on would win first place! Not only was I unexpectedly good at the class, I thoroughly enjoyed working on these projects. Planning a concert, creating my own business, designing an advertising plan for a company--it was all so, well, fun! I realized that was what I wanted to do with my life.

I know that when I attend college in the fall, I will pursue my career interests in business and marketing, potentially achieving the goal of becoming a promotional manager for a major company in the future. I feel that if I win this scholarship, I will be one step closer to achieving that goal. Like most families, mine is struggling during this economic hardship. My mother had to start working a second job as a tutor, and my father had to expand his painting business to include pressure cleaning just to be able to pay our mortgage. As their daughter, I'm doing my best to restrain upon buying anything unnecessary, and took on more hours at my work to pay for the upcoming college costs. Winning this scholarship would mean the world to my family and I.

In addition to the help scholarships might provide for my pursuits, my character traits I have obtained from high school--motivation, persistence, and management--will take me to the finish line. I've proven my persistence by trying my hardest, giving my all for every project, homework assignment, or whatever is thrown my way. Not once, in my whole high school career, have I said to myself, "Self, what you are doing is pointless. Stop working and just give up." And this trait will follow me through to college, in part because of my managing skills. In high school, I've had to manage school, extra-curricular activities, community service, work, friends and family, and college arrangements--a handful if you ask me! Management skills will go a long way once I'm in college, as one must manage their time effectively to get any kind of experience out of college. Motivation has also played a key role in my life. One strange mannerism I have developed over the years is that I find at least one thing to look forward to during my week--like a sleepover on the weekend, or a seeing that new movie Friday night--to keep my wheels turning and on track for that week. Staying motivated will play a big role in college, and I know it will let me get the most out of my experience there.

I know that my life will begin in college. It will help me develop into the person I want to be, and aid in the pursuit towards my career goals. With the collaboration between my personal character traits, college in general, and hopefully this scholarship, I know that I will be able to reach my full potential and be the best person I can be.

eight-year-olds

Okay, here is good, harsh criticism! :)

The whole first paragraph is sort of weak; let's not talk about the fact that you had ordinary little kid interests or even the choice between Drama and Marketing. Not important.

Plus, you confused me with this: Sports and Entertainment Academy's marketing class

Now, why do you merit consideration? Are you someone who is going to make a meaningful contribution as a result of being benefited by this scholarship? Is the decision-maker going to be doing something meaningful by choosing you over the next applicant? Give some specific career goals. Pretend you have to write your destiny right now, write your educational plan and a set of things to accomplish in life.

Also:

At school, despite my progressively worsening case of Senioritus, Don't tell them you have Senioritis, tell them you are immune to it! Senioritis is when you can't give a care any more.

I am an extremely hard-worker and persevere in anything and everything I do. (Show, don't tell. Give examples to show this, rather than saying it.)

I set goals for myself, and life would be incredibly dull if I did not have goals and values to live by. (does not matter if life would be dull. Stick to the point. Why do you deserve this scholarship?)

Living by the principles I have set for myself has made me who I am today. (What principles? Be specific.)

Being strong has pushed me through challenges I face daily, and (being strong does not push you; being strong makes you able. Passion for your interests pushes you.)

Market yourself, now, and try to write a draft of this that tells about your most promising strengths. Good luck!! I hope this helps!

Kevin's pretty much covered everything worth saying in his post, but I'll elaborate on his points anyway -- you need to explain why you deserve the scholarship. The economic hardship angle is good, especially if you are hoping for a bursary or needs-based scholarship. If you are hoping for a merit-based one, or want to be considered for both, you will need to add a lot more about what a great person you are. The fact that you came in first in your class for all of your projects is about the only relevant detail you have at the moment, in this regard, so perhaps you could start there and build on that. Good luck.

I don't know how to end it, but is this better? Thanks for the advice btw!! lol :)

ya this is better than your first one... but i feel still a lot more improvement to ur essay needs to be done for you to get an scholarship

"I'm doing my best to restrain from buying anything unnecessary"

"In addition to the help scholarships will provide for pursuits, my character traits I have obtained from high school, motivation, persistence, and management, will take me to the finish like" This sentence doesn't seem to be finished. Also, this should really be the heart and soul of your essay, so all of these good qualities should be elaborated on and shown through specific examples, rather than merely told in a list.

You still need to tie everything back to the scholarship. The only reason you have given for deserving one is that your family is struggling financially, which you admit is happening to a lot of other families at the moment too. You do give a generally good impression of yourself in the rest of the essay, but you never explicitly connect the good qualities you mention about yourself to what you would do with the scholarship that would make you deserve to get one.

Hope this helps you in coming up with the next draft.

Like most families, mine is struggling during this economic hardship.

My mother had to start working a second job as a tutor, and my father had to expand his painting business to include pressure cleaning just to be able to pay our mortgage.

Throw in work, friends and family, and college arrangements into the mix, and you've got yourself a handful.

a couple more minor tweaks, but is looking much better then the first draft.

:)

I tried adding more examples as to how I use my traits, and tried tying it all into how I'll benefit from the scholarship in college.

Is it too long? I know the prompt said 100 words or more, but did I go too far?

Your essay keeps getting stronger. Good job. If you want to make it shorter, you could condense the beginning of your essay:

"During my sophomore year scheduling session with my guidance counselor, I signed up for all my classes that I wanted for the next year. However, I was left with one spot that needed to be filled. I had to chose between Introduction to Drama orE ntering the Sports and Entertainment Academy, a program in which you gain knowledge about the business and marketing fields, in my sophomore year,Without hesitation, I went with choice B. It was the best decision of my life."

Thank you! :D
I think thats my final onee...i've gotta send it out ideally by tomorrow...so yeah.

thank you again for your help!

hey molly!

Not once, in my whole high school career, have I said to myself, "Self, what you are doing is pointless. Stop working and just give up." <--- this is my favorite part of the essay! "self..."