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What extracurricular skills and experience will you bring to Rotman Commerce?


justme 3 / 6  
Mar 28, 2011   #1
Essay Prompt: This is a 400-word statement in response to a question.
This is an opportunity to outline your extracurricular activities and leadership experience and how they have prepared you to be an active contributor to, and engaged participant in, the Rotman Commerce community. You will also be evaluated on your communication skills.

What extracurricular skills and experience will you bring to Rotman Commerce?

Please critique my writing and do advise where I am going wrong. Do comment on my grammar, punctuation, content, sentence structure, word selection, use of my word limit and any aspects if possible.

It's sorta urgent 'cause the deadline date is just two days from today.

Thank you! =) Any help is highly appreciated.

The exquisite, placidly structured musical notes artistically danced across the grinning sky and embraced the serene beauty of the season- I envisioned while occasionally creating music for a song on my harmonium. Music is something that runs down my veins whenever I have to express my inner thoughts and feelings, but Tagore music specifically was the first, in fact, to build and connect the bridge to this musical world when I got admitted to ****. The long way that I walked in life with the smooth flow of Tagore music has offered me this opportunity to discover and witness the various, distinct ways of life, the many worldly issues and how the complex human mind works in particular.

The applause by the huge crowd after the completion of stage shows whether at or outside our school premises in every event in the Bengali calendar had always acted as a great inspiration for me to shine in this field and also, as an encouragement to continue learning music in order to become an active part of Bengali culture and community. Our aim while dedicating long hours behind practices was not only to simply perform at stage to display our passion for music and demonstrate our musical skills but also to convey our understanding, emotions and knowledge that we bore about our culture, country and language. This was exactly the point where we had to face the challenge and we worked as a team to improve ourselves even in difficult circumstances.

As one of the senior students, organizing many sections of the events, for instance arranging the materials required and planning for the decoration of the event, grouping students, etc, were often a vital portion of our responsibilities in ****. Meanwhile, I was also able to use my sewing skills to give an air of individuality, creativity and our tradition in the embellishment of the many events.

Tagore music had given me a new birth to a new dimension which defined me music uniquely and changed my perception of seeing everything. My introduction to some outstanding people including my teachers, peers and celebrities/artists, and the skills that I learnt will undoubtedly be a great support while sailing my ship to achieve my goal.

Rotman Commerce definitely brings a scope for learning more, and to shower what I had learnt and to bring about more enthusiasm and diversity to its community.

(Exactly 400 words)
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Mar 29, 2011   #2
The exquisite, placidly structured musical notes artistically danced [artistically] across the grinning sky[,] and embrac[ing]ed the serene beauty of the season- I envisioned [this] while occasionally creating music for a song on my harmonium. Music is something that runs down my veins whenever I have to express my inner thoughts and feelings, but Tagore['s] music specifically was the first , in fact, to build and connect the bridge to this musical world [at ****]. when I got admitted to ****. [In] T[t]he long way that I [have] walked in life[,] with the smooth flow of Tagore['s] music has offered me this opportunity to discover and witness the various [and] distinct ways of life, the many worldly issues and [in particular, the working of] how the complex human mind works in particular .

You are a talented person! 'Rabindar Sangeet' will not be acceptable as 'Tagore music', I think, therefore I put the apostrophes after Tagore.
OP justme 3 / 6  
Mar 29, 2011   #3
Wow, the corrections definitely make my essay sound better! Thanks a ton!! :D :D
Do you think I should make a second draft or is this okay?
Should I try to include other ECAs?
And I wanted to write Rabindra Sangeet instead of Tagore music and add Tagore Music in brackets once at first.

Thanks a lot again! =D
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Mar 29, 2011   #4
Why don't you put the finished essay here, and see what others have to say?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 30, 2011   #5
Oh, I liked "grinning sky!" I wonder why Rajiv edited it out... probably because you have too many modifiers in that first sentence.I think you should execute 2 adjectives in that first sentence. But I LIKE grinning sky. Just make sure you add a detail to show in what sense it is grinning.

As one of the senior students, organizing many sections of the events, for instance arranging the materials required and planning for the decoration of the event, grouping students, etc, were was often a vital portion of our responsibilities in ****.

I think you can improve the clarity of the whole essay by adding a very short, simple sentence to the end of the first paragraph. The first para currently ends with a long sentence, and that takes away from the clarity of the whole essay. Sharpen the meaning of that main idea with a short sentence tacked onto the end of that first paragraph. :-)
OP justme 3 / 6  
Mar 31, 2011   #6
@Rajiv- I think I'd go with this essay along with the corrections you made. Adding anything to it would make it messy and ruin the whole essay! Thanks!

@EF_Kevin - Well, as you said I should keep only two of the adjectives but then I'll have to edit the entire sentence and I don't really have much time now. Tomorrow is the last date to submit and I'd want to do it today. So I was thinking I'd go with Rajiv's correction :) I think the essay should look okay.

But I was worried about the content if this was atleast a standard essay for admission purposes. Apart from the structure and grammar, should I make any changes to the content?

Thank you for the help :)
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Mar 31, 2011   #7
You know what, don't worry about it ! You're not expected to write like Hemingway. And this is really your piece after all !!

Good luck for the future.
JamesB102 1 / 2  
Apr 8, 2011   #8
Yes I agree this is your peice and your not expected to be some Hemingway as posted before...This is great work. Good Luck.


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