My father is my role model; Courage to Grow Scholarship

My role model, who will forever be my father, died from cancer when I was only 12 years old. I will be eternally grateful for the drive of determination and perseverance that he instilled in me at a very young age. He told me: "Nothing will come easy in life, you will have to work hard and that is how you will succeed". At a time when I need my father most, I have taken as many steps as possible to further myself, education-wise and in the real world. I have held many jobs ranging from Camp Counselor to Habitat for Humanity Volunteer to even Hospital and Meals on Wheels Volunteer. Taekwondo is also an integral activity I am involved in as it enhances my confidence and self-esteem in that I can achieve any goal I set for the future as well as self-discipline, so that I remain calm and under control should difficult situations ever arise in life.

These activities, all of which I plan to continue, have helped lay a groundwork for future success and are key to helping me unlock new opportunities for advancement in life, as is education. I came to the realization that anything is possible in life as long you work hard and have the proper effort and determination.

With a single mother who is working very hard to make ends meet and with the courage I have demonstrated that it takes to grow up into a fine young man without a father is one that not many boys have, I ask that you take me into consideration as being a possible recipient of this much deserving and coveted scholarship. To me, education is so much more than simply the key to success, it is the key to life.

The word limit is 250, this essay is 295.
I've deleted everything I can, so please tell me what else I can take out.
Any criticisms and comments are welcome. Thank You.

I found a few mistake
He told me, "Nothing will come easy in life, you will need to work hard and that is how you will succeed."

At a time when i need my father most , I took many steps to further myself in education-wise and in the real world
To me the beginning of that sentence doesn't make sense and i think you can make the last part of the sentence a bit shorter.

I am involved in Taekwondo, an integral activity, which enhances my confidence and self-esteem so that I can achieve any goal I set for the future as well as self-discipline, so that i can remain calm and under control if difficult situations ever arise in life.

I combine the beginning to make it a big shorter and i fix a grammatical error in the end, should should be replace with if

I have demonstrated for what it takes to grow up into a fine young man without a father is one that many boys have,
replace that with for what. It sounds a bit weird with that

Overall this is a very nice essay.

Some help for trimming down your word count :)


My father, my role model forever, died from cancer when I was only twelve years old. ...2 words saved :D


I don't understand why included the first part :( Did you mean that when you needed your father's support the most, he's dead and gone? If that is so, you need to improve this line.

What is the prompt? It's difficult to provide you a more meaningful feedback without knowing it.