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Too many females; COMMON APP/Situation that I was unfairly treated



lexilex1995 6 / 17  
Jan 7, 2013   #1
Prompt: Essay 3
Briefly describe a situation in which you felt that you or others were treated unfairly or were not given an opportunity you felt you deserved. Why do you think this happened? How did you respond? Did the situation improve as a result of your response?

the prompt is written in a narrative

"I'm very sorry Ms. Burney, but your daughter will not be admitted into our AMA program this year." said the administrator of Thurgood Marshall High School. "Why is my daughter being denied for admission into the program?" my mother asked, as if irritated by the statement. "Well, the reason is that we currently have a lot of females in the program and we are trying to admit an equal amount of males." the woman replied back. "Well, how many children are enrolled into the AMA program?" My mother questioned in a calm tone. "well, I can't tell you that information" she reply back looking sternly at my mother. As I sat in silence, listening to the words come out of the administrator's mouth, I began to feel tears swell inside of me. I felt as if a huge hurdle has been pushed in front of me as I'm running a race and I'm still contemplating about how I can get over it. I begin to think to myself- It took all that effort, writing, getting recommendations, and filling out the application just to get a response telling me that I can not be apart of an enriching program. I look to the ground to avoid eye contact with the administrator. I felt defeated; I wanted to curl up into a ball until the tears receded back into their rightful place. I thought over repeatedly about what should I say to persuade her; I wanted her to know that I am right for the program. "I have goals that are precious to me and I believe that through this program I will be able to achieve them. Please give me the chance to prove that to you. If i get the chance to prove it I will not fail at showing my potential." I pleaded to the administer. " I'm sorry young lady but I don't think it is possible to admit you." she replies back to me. "Lets go Alexis, we will deal with this later. Goodbye, Miss. Greddle." My mother says while getting up to exit the Building. I follow behind my mother taking the walk of shame thinking about ways that I can get admitted into the program without a hassle.

When I made it home, I walked to my room replaying the whole conversation in my head for better comprehension; It was all so vague. Why I was not admitted into the program? The reason was that students who were recommended were chosen first. I knew that a lot of the people would be recommended for the program because many of my peers were recommended before applications were handed out.

Th25cc 2 / 90  
Jan 7, 2013   #2
You have a good start - you've set up a good story to explain a fair situation. However, I think you can address the other parts of the prompt much better than you currently have.

Why do you think this happened? How did you respond? Did the situation improve as a result of your response?

Be sure toattack this part of the prompt.

While you have a few grammatical errors, those are hardly important when you have failed to thoroughly address the prompt. Be sure to do that, re-post your essay, and we can go from there.

General rules that might help you:

Take a look at how to punctuate and incorporate quotes within writing. Typically you hit enter after a quote by one person before quoting another or engaging in narrative comment.

Make sure you write in active voice. This means that the subject should do the action, not receive it. To identify the weaker, passive voice, look for forms of "to be" followed by a past tense verb. See if you can rephrase situations like that.

Make sure to only capitalize proper nouns. General nouns, like building, should not be capitalized.

Good luck with your essay! You have a solid start - just be sure to attack the prompt.

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