My first essay to apply for scholarships! (Graduating 2016) - Why i deserve X scholarship?

I need this scholarship because I know how much my mom wants me to succeed, that's all she's ever wanted from me. She has numerous obligations and is currently going through a divorce which is exceptionally costly. My father left the summer before I started my freshman year in high school, for me that was a big change. We were never close but I told myself once I entered high school I would try to fix our relationship. What girl doesn't want to be able to run to her dad if a guy breaks her heart? For him to be their when she begins to drive, or even get her acceptance letter into the pharmacy tech program at her high school? But now it comes to show that he doesn't want a relationship. If it wasn't for the Maryland state government having to take $200 from him every 3 weeks, I'm more than sure he would have forgotten about us by now. It tears me apart inside, for the longest I thought I did something wrong, always blaming myself. But I overpowered that way of thinking and have learned to manage and accept my situation. My father is trying to sell the house that my mom, brother, and I are currently living in. Since my mother has lupus he know that stress is a key component in causing it to flare and that is exactly what he is trying to do. My mom is constantly answering phone calls from lawyers, and the mortgage company. Right now in my life my motivation is on making my mom proud, giving her a peace of mind, I hate to see her struggle. She is too good of a person for me not to do the one thing that she asks of me, which is getting the most education I can and becoming a registered nurse. Being able to hand her my diploma after finishing college with a master's degree in nursing would be the climax of my life! I always replay in my mind how she's going to react. Sometimes its complete shock and uncontrollable hugs, other times it tears and utter shock of amazement. But of course I'll only find out the authentic reaction I will receive when that day comes.

I will be happy to assist you with providing feedback regarding your scholarship letter. I think it is perfectly fine to mention that your mom wants you to succeed. However, I think that you shouldn't begin your scholarship letter by stating this, because it can give the impression that you are only applying because someone else wants you to do it. If you want this scholarship, you should express this first and then discuss how this would fulfill your mom's expectation for you because she can't provide the necessary funding to help you achieve your goals.

Personally, I think you should avoid discussing many details about your father. The lack of support may show your need. However, you can simply discuss how there is little support from your other parent. Thus, this would show that you are experiencing some form of hardship, depending upon your income.

That is so great that you want to be an RN! Please discuss your passion for wanting to be in this field. I have a degree in a health field, so I know the compassion, diligence, and work ethic you will need to succeed. Also, discuss any achievements you have as a student. Basically, your essay should be balanced by discussing your passion, achievements, and need for this money. Try to revise this and I will help assist you. I hope this feedback helps you.

Tiyeda, first of all WELCOME to EssayForum...we're glad to have yet another member of the forum..

Now, writing an application for scholarship is never easy, however if this is what you want then we will be here to help out.

- I need thisThis scholarship because I know how much my mom wants me to succeed, that's all she's ever wanted from me.will be my key to advance and succeed in life, it will also be my proof to show my parents, especially my mom, that I can succeed in life.

- What girlWho would notdoesn't want to be able to run to her dad if a guy breaks her heart?

- It tears me apart inside, for the longest time I thought I did something wrong, always blaming myself.

- Since my mother has lupus he knowknows that stress is a key component in causing it to flare and that is exactly what he is trying to do.

- Right now in my life my motivation is on making my mom proud, giving her a peace of mind, I hate to see her struggle.

- She is too good of a person for me not to do thethat one thing that she asks of me, which is getting the most education I can and becomingbecome a registered nurse.

- But of course I'll only find out the authenticthat magnificent reaction I will receive when that day comes.

So there you go, Tiyeda, I made a few corrections, however, I have to be honest with you, the points that the institution would seek in order for them to grant you the scholarship is not only due to your current family and financial status, they will look more into your academic standing and what you can contribute as a student.

I suggest re- writing your application with the notes and points I have given.

Good luck and let us know if you need further assistance.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Thank you so soon much guyss!!!