Essay for Freshman Scholarships

Describe your family and your family's contribution to your education - This is the question and this is my essay. I would love any feedback.

My immediate family is small. It's made up of my mom, stepdad, and me. My stepdad entered my life when I was 5 and has been by my side ever since. He is a hard-working man that a lot of the time is just a big kid himself. He has taught me that there is a time to be serious and a time for letting go and having fun. No one can make me laugh like him. My mom has always, and will always be there for me. She is a breast cancer survivor, and a true inspiration. She taught me to proceed with my dreams even though I may encounter hurdles along the way. They have both always taught me right from wrong. They believed in discipline, and helped me learn from my mistakes. They have always supported me in every activity I wanted to be involved in. Never once did they discourage me from trying new things. Respect, commitment, compassion, and moral values are just some of the principles they have embedded in me.

My parents have contributed to my education on so many levels. They always made sure I had all the supplies, and tools necessary to be successful. They have spent countless number of hours quizzing me for tests. Both my mom and my dad have taught me that preparation is the key to success. They shared with me how important a study guide and notecards can be. My educational goals and aspirations for the future have been significantly influenced by my parents. Both of them have shared stories of how they regret not continuing their education. They are truly excited that I will be the first one in my immediate family to attend college. They have constantly encouraged me to remain focused on school. Most importantly they have taught me that the value of an education is priceless for it is something that will form the rest of my life.

You mentioned many things your parents have taught you, and they seem a little unorganized. I think your essay would be more powerful if you just focused on one or two lessons.

I like the part where you mentioned that you will be the first one to go to college in your immediate family. A suggestion would be to make that one of the first things you write. Then you could write how because your parents did not go to college, they...

A. Understood and taught you that a college education is important (how they help you with schoolwork, taught you preparation skills, etc.)

But B. they also understood and taught you that you get some of the most important lessons not from school, but from life (playing with your stepfather taught you that there is a time for everything, your mother taught you perseverance, etc.)

I think you should use an anecdote about your family teaching you something life-changing that had a significant impact on your life.

Prompt: Describe your family and your family's contribution to your education.

Take Two - Is this any better?

My dreams of going to college have been significantly motivated by my parents. Both of them have common stories of how they regret not continuing their education. They are thrilled that I will be the first one in my immediate family to attend college. Since I'm an only child, much of my parent's time was devoted to making sure I understood how important it was to remain focused on school. Before each quiz, test, or project they would express the importance of preparation. They taught me that the value of an education is priceless for it is something that will form the rest of my life.

Some of the most important lessons my parents have taught me are lessons not learned in school. Perseverance is what my mom taught me as I watched her battle breast cancer. She taught me to proceed with my dreams even though I may encounter hurdles along the way. My stepdad taught me there is a time for everything, and that includes having fun. No one can make me laugh like he does. Together they instilled in me to be respectful, compassionate, and committed.