I am looking for feedback in structure, grammar and vocabulary.
Tips on how to improve would be great too.
I am really appreciate if you could please answer these questions:
After reading the essay, do you know more about the author and feel closer to him or her?
Do the idea in the essay connect in a way that is logical, but not too obvious (boring)?
Can you name at least 4 to 5 of the author's core values?
Thank you.
Here is my essay:
I was at a funeral. Everyone's heads were down. Nobody spoke a word, I wondered myself: "What is happening?", "Whose funeral is it ?", "Why am I here", etc. Moving forward, I saw a white-faced women lying in coffin. That was my mom. My heart stopped beating in one second. I could not do anything but standing there, trying to wake her up and sobbing unconsciously. Why did my mom die ? Was it because of my fault when I wished her to be death yesterday? That time I cried the loudest"
No matter how many times I tried to call her, all I could hear was the dead silence, not my mother's soft voice. At this point of my life, I feel like a speck of dust within the galaxy, watching the night sky with a broken heart and a messy mind.
Time is valuable because it always moves forward. A white ceiling, the sunrise replaced the moon, I was on my bed with a wet pillow, a tear rolled down my face. "That was a dream, wasn't it?". I got out of my bed as quick as possible, ran around the house and looked for my mom. There she was, my mother, standing there and cooking as usual. Immediately, I ran to her and tried to hug her tightly by my arm and said sorry. Surprised as she was, my mother did not say anything but smiling with me gently, which is the warmest thing in the world that I have ever seen. Realising that was just a horrible dream, I laughed the hardest.
After that nightmare, the idea that mom will leave me still bothered me, turning my mind into a complete chaotic mess. 2:00 am, I could not sleep, it was raining heavily outside. The rain crashed against the windows, creating crackling sounds that broke the silence of night. There was a street light shining into my bedroom that brighten up my classic black round wall clock. Tick tock, tick tock. The red second hand of the clock moved quickly from 0 to 12, 60 seconds passed. But there was no number 0 on the clock's face, then the red second hand must move from 12 to 12. Since the clock is a circle, after a long run of 60 seconds, the red second hand got back to its starting point. Is that how time work?
Every ending is a new beginning.
I got out of bed, turned on the light, opened my diary, ended my real nightmare by starting to write down my thoughts of that moment. I saw myself, clearlier than ever, a 14-year-old girl who was dealing with the puberty and being afraid of losing so much that forget about appreciating the moments. I took my mom love for granted and I almost lost it. I did not know how important she is to me until I was on the verge of losing her leading me to be so vulnerable and regretful.
Time is valuable because it always moves forward. So do I.
I ended my comfort zone, started my own business at grade 8 and stopped it to focus on studying. I ended my puberty, started to discover the world by taking part in social activities, meeting new people with different backgrounds and learning to embrace their differences. I ended the deepest fear of mine: "fear of losing", started living fully at the moment in order to be brave enough to get over the past and be ready for the future. Life is too short to be afraid of but it is long enough to live the one that I want.
Tips on how to improve would be great too.
I am really appreciate if you could please answer these questions:
After reading the essay, do you know more about the author and feel closer to him or her?
Do the idea in the essay connect in a way that is logical, but not too obvious (boring)?
Can you name at least 4 to 5 of the author's core values?
Thank you.
Here is my essay:
Every ending is a new beginning
I was at a funeral. Everyone's heads were down. Nobody spoke a word, I wondered myself: "What is happening?", "Whose funeral is it ?", "Why am I here", etc. Moving forward, I saw a white-faced women lying in coffin. That was my mom. My heart stopped beating in one second. I could not do anything but standing there, trying to wake her up and sobbing unconsciously. Why did my mom die ? Was it because of my fault when I wished her to be death yesterday? That time I cried the loudest"
No matter how many times I tried to call her, all I could hear was the dead silence, not my mother's soft voice. At this point of my life, I feel like a speck of dust within the galaxy, watching the night sky with a broken heart and a messy mind.
Time is valuable because it always moves forward. A white ceiling, the sunrise replaced the moon, I was on my bed with a wet pillow, a tear rolled down my face. "That was a dream, wasn't it?". I got out of my bed as quick as possible, ran around the house and looked for my mom. There she was, my mother, standing there and cooking as usual. Immediately, I ran to her and tried to hug her tightly by my arm and said sorry. Surprised as she was, my mother did not say anything but smiling with me gently, which is the warmest thing in the world that I have ever seen. Realising that was just a horrible dream, I laughed the hardest.
After that nightmare, the idea that mom will leave me still bothered me, turning my mind into a complete chaotic mess. 2:00 am, I could not sleep, it was raining heavily outside. The rain crashed against the windows, creating crackling sounds that broke the silence of night. There was a street light shining into my bedroom that brighten up my classic black round wall clock. Tick tock, tick tock. The red second hand of the clock moved quickly from 0 to 12, 60 seconds passed. But there was no number 0 on the clock's face, then the red second hand must move from 12 to 12. Since the clock is a circle, after a long run of 60 seconds, the red second hand got back to its starting point. Is that how time work?
Every ending is a new beginning.
I got out of bed, turned on the light, opened my diary, ended my real nightmare by starting to write down my thoughts of that moment. I saw myself, clearlier than ever, a 14-year-old girl who was dealing with the puberty and being afraid of losing so much that forget about appreciating the moments. I took my mom love for granted and I almost lost it. I did not know how important she is to me until I was on the verge of losing her leading me to be so vulnerable and regretful.
Time is valuable because it always moves forward. So do I.
I ended my comfort zone, started my own business at grade 8 and stopped it to focus on studying. I ended my puberty, started to discover the world by taking part in social activities, meeting new people with different backgrounds and learning to embrace their differences. I ended the deepest fear of mine: "fear of losing", started living fully at the moment in order to be brave enough to get over the past and be ready for the future. Life is too short to be afraid of but it is long enough to live the one that I want.
