As we all know children are the future [...] I will further explain in my essay.
it is good that you composed your introduction into a succinct paragraph. However,i could not get the the bridge from the question background to your statement. the flow is poor. there are some key feature from the question that you explained inadequately, like children' free time, school. another time, you need to focus more on the question and analyse it before arrange your sentencs. it is important to avoid giving essay which is not fulfill the the task responseChildhood is the vital period for
children to
develop their mental and physical strength. At this time [
need comma]childrendevelop their mind
andwhile playing sports is the best ...
... keep them indulge in only
school activity [
you need to explain more what kind of activity do you mean can make children become dull. in fact, there are some sports activities too in school, so you did not give a strong or convincing argument on this] then there are possibilities ...
To illustrate,
in a recent survey of famous newspaper
it is observedclaimed that
ratio ofchildren who participate more in sports
are more creative than those who do not [
subject on this sentence is 'ratio''not the children. from your sentence, readers will get that it is the ratio that more creative].
Children become tired due to ...
This is because, most
children... are equally important for the
children as far as ...
you need to concern on several issue as repetition, punctuation, using of pronoun, and conjunction. also pay attention on your subject+ verb agreement.overall, i find that you actually you already wrote this essay well despite of some errors and suggestion that i give. good luck and keep writing. hope this help