Unanswered [16] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Ielts Writing Task 2. Some people believe children are given too much free time. feel this time..


Mayank7g 9 / 17  
Sep 5, 2016   #1
Some people believe children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work, HOw do you think children should spend their free time.

As we all know children are the future of our society. However, few individuals argue that they should utilize their spare time in study. In my opinion children should spend their time in sports activity. To support my opinion I will further explain in my essay.

Childhood is the vital period for children to develop their mental and physical strength. At this time children develop their mind and playing sports is the best exercise for the mind. Therefore, if we keep them indulge in only school activity then there are possibilities that they will become dull. To illustrate, in a recent survey of famous newspaper it is observed that ratio of children who participate more in sports are more creative than those who do not. As a result, it is necessary to give time for the physical activity then being busy in study always.

Children become tired due to whole day school activity and need fresh air to refresh their mind. This is because, most children feel lousy all day in comparison of those who take part in outdoor games. Furthermore, playing games will increase the concentration level and youths will more focus on their studies. For example, in my school days I was a fitness freak and this helps me to increase my level of studies and securing good grades. Therefore, youngsters should utilize their free time in physical activities.

In conclusion, it is very necessary to balance the study with the physical activity as both are equally important for the children as far as their growth is concern.

RAY93 35 / 186 136  
Sep 6, 2016   #2
As we all know children are the future [...] I will further explain in my essay.

it is good that you composed your introduction into a succinct paragraph. However,i could not get the the bridge from the question background to your statement. the flow is poor. there are some key feature from the question that you explained inadequately, like children' free time, school. another time, you need to focus more on the question and analyse it before arrange your sentencs. it is important to avoid giving essay which is not fulfill the the task response

Childhood is the vital period for children to develop their mental and physical strength. At this time [need comma]childrendevelop their mind andwhile playing sports is the best ...

... keep them indulge in only school activity [you need to explain more what kind of activity do you mean can make children become dull. in fact, there are some sports activities too in school, so you did not give a strong or convincing argument on this] then there are possibilities ...

To illustrate, in a recent survey of famous newspaper it is observedclaimed that ratio ofchildren who participate more in sports are more creative than those who do not [subject on this sentence is 'ratio''not the children. from your sentence, readers will get that it is the ratio that more creative].

Children become tired due to ...
This is because, most children

... are equally important for the children as far as ...

you need to concern on several issue as repetition, punctuation, using of pronoun, and conjunction. also pay attention on your subject+ verb agreement.

overall, i find that you actually you already wrote this essay well despite of some errors and suggestion that i give. good luck and keep writing. hope this help


Home / Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing Task 2. Some people believe children are given too much free time. feel this time..