For privacy, i've replaced some info with brackets ([ ]). i apologize if this made it awkward to read. it is currently at 285 words.
The prompt is:
In 250 words or less, submit an essay about your academic goals and contributions to your school and/or community.
Behind the flashing screen of the television screen there is my younger self, immersed in the world of video games. I'm the captain of the ship desperately trying to defend my fleet and the base, and other times, a secret agent sneaking through labyrinth headquarters to retrieve an enemy intelligence. These are the kind of moments that defined my childhood.
And now I, a second year computer science major, am pursuing my dream to become a game designer at [COLLEGE]. I created my first ever game when I was freshman: a 2-D platform game which inspired me to work in the gaming industry. Since then I have taken numerous computer programming courses as well as game design specific ones such as 3-D modeling and using game engine.
In addition to pursuing my academic goals, I have served in my local community organization [ABC] as a vice president which is dedicated to helping and serving people in this area. I went to the the [ORG1] to serve the homeless people in [PLACE1] by filling their plates with warm food and went to [PLACE2] beach for coastal clean up with [ORG2]. As a vice president, I worked alongside with the president on organizing special events such as gift giving for children and sending information about such events to secretaries and treasurer.
Participating in [ABC] allowed me to learn an important lesson of serving those around me. By serving them, i feel rewarded for helping others and thus will help those like me when I was young once i get to work in the gaming industry. This scholarship will give me a small step towards the journey I'll have to take to reach that goal.
thank you for taking your time to read my essay.
Hi Daniel, I am wondering if there is a way to merge your interest in computer game design with your community service? It always come across as highly impressive when you can tell the reviewer that your passion for your potential college major has had a significant impact upon the community that you belong to. While I admire the social work that you have been doing in the community, I am just thinking of certain ways and means by which you can highlight the connection of your academic interests, with your social consciousness. It is not required though and your essay works just fine without it.
One aspect that I happen to find lacking at the moment, is a reference to your academic goals. While you mention the development of your passion for gaming and your studies in the field, you don't really present a solid career plan that could signify your academic goals. What are your plans as a student? Do you aspire to create an app that could "change the world" so to speak? What kind of app is that? How can the university help you develop it? That is an academic goal that you can actively pursue at the university.
thank you for the feedback, vangiespen.
based on your response i made some (rough) changes.
academic goals (i had a trouble with this part but i did my best):
And now I, a second year computer science major, am pursuing my dream to become a game designer at. I created my first ever game when I was freshman: a 2D platformer game which inspired me to work in the gaming industry. Since then I aspired to create an immersive video game where the audience can interact with the virtual environment. To achieve such goal would require me to take many (expensive?) classes such as mathematics, engineering, and art. It would also give me opportunity to meet others like me who are dedicated to creating games in clubs and classes.
and about my major impacting my community; i could possibly say that team building skills from working with others in my game design classes helped me be an effective vice president of the organization i was in.
Daniel, some corrections to the grammar of your second paragraph are in order:
And now I, a second year computer science major, am pursuing my dream to become a game designer at (Name of university). I created my first ever game when I was freshman: a 2D platform game which inspired me to work in the gaming industry. Since then I have aspired to create an immersive video game where the audience can interact with the virtual environment. To achieve such goal would require me to take many inter-related classes such as mathematics, engineering, and art. Taking this course would also give me the opportunity to meet others like me who are dedicated to creating games in clubs and classes.
As for your question, yes, team building skills in relation to your work as the vice president of your organization should work. We will probably be able to enhance the reference in your essay once I see the kind of writing that you will be doing for it :-)
thank you for the correction to my paragraph. here's some changes to the community paragraph:
... went to [PLACE2] beach for coastal clean up with [ORG2]. Leadership and team building skills I have learned in my game design classes where I collaborated with others have been invaluable for my position in [ORG]. When the president was not available, I would step in and lead the other members as to what to do and sometimes managed the event. This made me an effective vice president in the organization.
Daniel, in this new paragraph, you need to develop the idea of your leadership skills a bit more in relation to your civic duties. Instead of simply mentioning that you applied the team building skills that you learned in your design classes, try to discuss actual applications in the civic setting. For example, when you say:
I collaborated with others have been invaluable for my position in [ORG]. When the president was not available, I would step in and lead the other members as to what to do and sometimes managed the event. This made me an effective vice president in the organization.
Present actual instances of this collaboration and discuss how it helped contribute to the goals or betterment of the activity the team was engaged in. Remember, you need to justify every statement that you make with supporting evidence. So a simple mention, without clarification or examples just won't do.
Now, after you work on the revision of that paragraph, please post the complete essay here so that we can get a full understanding of what the essay content is and how it was presented so we can offer our final suggestions and comments in preparation for the submission of your response.
here's the complete essay along with changes in bold (word count: 370):
Behind the flashing screen of the television screen there is my younger self, immersed in the world of video games. I'm the captain of the ship desperately trying to defend my fleet and the base and, other times, a secret agent sneaking through labyrinth headquarters to retrieve an enemy intelligence. These are the kind of moments that defined my childhood.
And now I, a second year computer science major, am pursuing my dream to become a game designer at [COLLEGE]. I created my first ever game when I was freshman: a 2D platform game which inspired me to work in the gaming industry. Since then I have aspired to create an immersive video game where the audience can interact with the virtual environment. To achieve such goal would require me to take many inter-related courses such as mathematics, engineering, and art. Taking this course would also give me the opportunity to meet others like me who are dedicated to creating games in clubs and classes.
In addition to pursuing my academic goals, I have served in my local community organization [ABC] as a vice president which is dedicated to helping and serving people in this area. I went to the the [ORG1] to serve the homeless people in [PLACE1] by filling their plates with warm food and went to [PLACE2] beach for coastal clean up with [ORG2]. Leadership and team building skills I have learned in my game design classes were invaluable as a vice president; in the park clean up event where the president was absent, I naturally lead the members on where to clean up using what certain tools, who will pick up the trash while others hold the bag, reporting clean up status to the staff, and delivering lunch to members. As such, the event went according to plan and park was kept pristine.
Participating in [ABC] allowed me to learn an important lesson of serving those around me. By serving them, i feel rewarded for helping others and thus will help those like me when I was young once i get to work in the gaming industry. This scholarship will give me a small step towards the journey I'll have to take to reach that goal.
