Gates Scholarship-An Unfair Experience

Briefly describe a situation in which you thought you or others were treated unfairly or were not given an opportunity you thought you deserved.

In the tenth grade I joined an Academic Bowl Team at my school. We practiced to compete in an All-County Competition displaying the knowlege we've learned over the years. In the competition our team triumphed over all of the schools, earning our place in the final round. In the final round we competed against an all-white team for First Place. Once the round started the questions that we both recieved were more difficult than before. Everytime we buzzed in for an answer some of us began to notice that we were alotted more time than the other team. The host even had the audacity to give us small hints and to repeat the questions when it was not requested by our captain. We ended up winning of course but I felt terribly rotten about it. Our team was improperly aided by the staff of that competition out of pity. Whether it had to do with our race or them thinking we were inadequate. Not only did they subtly insult our intelliegence, they also treated the other team unfairly. Sadly on the bus ride back, all I did was preach to clogged ears about how unethical it was. I spoke of how we deserved to win the competition with our knowlege alone, without the aid of anyone else. I expected an awakening from my team, instead I received an uproar of naive comments like "Just be glad we won." I was hurt and I will never forget that experience. The fact that both teams were robbed of a fair chance to compete was bad, but the fact that my team basked in an unjust victory was even worse.

I will gladly accept any comments

you should add what you learned from it or any reflections you made based on this personal experience. the story itself isn't going to get you the scholarship. =P

This is a great sentence!---We ended up winning, of course, bu t I felt terribly rotten about it.

I like your use of terribly rotten.

Hey, "Every time" is 2 words.

For a compound sentence, use a comma:
I was hurt, and I will never forget that experience.

The fact that both teams were robbed of a fair chance to compete was bad, but the fact that my team basked in an unjust victory was even worse.-------can you bask in victory? Yes, I guess people do bask in victory. I thought the sentence sounded strange, but actually I think it was my mistake.

This is nice to read. I agree with Hyun Young Julia Lee, though about the need for some reflective analysis, some thoughtful self-evaluation.

:-)

You should conclude by emphasizing what the experience says about you, as in you believe in being fair and just and don't take victory for granted. Don't just say "I will never forget that experience." Your conclusion should be stronger.