Graduate Marketing Degree - Scholarship personal statement

Hello people! I'm glad I've found this website =) Plz help me to improve and shorten my personal statement, I'm applying for scholarship. Thanks in advance! =*

Marketing Study and My Dreams

Here it is:
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am a master's degree graduating student in marketing at the Manchester University. The open day at MMU has strengthened my wish to apply for full-time MBA program and I therefore enclose my personal statement to be considered for the scholarship.

High academic results throughout my previous studies in local school and university, secured me the Governmental Scholarship to study in Singapore and United Kingdom.

During my work in KGC I have been promoted two times due to my professional achievements and leadership qualities. I have also developed a high range of transferable skills through a wide variety of extracurricular activities and employment.

In a few years I am planning to start my own businesses, which will be related to improving small agribusinesses and educational schools located mostly in small villages. Startups require a vast knowledge of management, banking, record-keeping and sales.

My previous experiences in various industries enhanced my confidence and ability to deal with problems in stressful situations and to take personal accountability and initiative, but I still need to systematize knowledge on MBA, so ideas will be converted to a viable large business projects. Evaluating my administrative and leadership skills is one of the main reasons I am applying for an MBA. I believe attending MBA program would increase my competence and give me a priceless insight into how businesses operate.

From the time I have been covering all my needs, I do not ask financial support from my parents, who live in different city and are divorced by now, which is also a reason. Even now when I have temporary job, I have to work on weekends and after work to cover my rent and masters degree expenses. My income will not cover tuition fees and receiving financial aid will allow me to solely focus on my studies and contribute my further knowledge to serve my community.

Wrapping that all together, I honestly believe the most important quality is dedication to your dreams. It means to show a sincere interest to your goals and the work you do, as well as be enthusiastic and always willing to go that extra mile. I have proved to be that kind of person. I am confident I will be a valuable asset to MMU. Hopefully, the ability to see the whole picture, but not just the details of the puzzle and to plan ahead of the game will assist me throughout my career in MBA.

Thank You!

During my work in KGC I have been promoted two times ... You should indicate exactly what positions you were promoted, I think.

Rihanna, for starters, a personal statement is not written in the form of a letter unless it indicated that you do so. It takes the form of an informative essay that develops the presentation of the growth of your interest in a specific field. There is no sense in mentioning that your parents are divorced in this letter. That is irrelevant since you have already established that you are a working student who does not look to others for financial support. Normally, a personal statement should indicate why you chose to attend a particular university for your MA degree, even if it is for a scholarship because the scholarship may or may not have a partnership with the said academic institution. So you should include the reason why you chose your university. From there, end the essay by explaining how you hope the scholarship can help you achieve your academic ambitions. After you revise the essay, double check the actual prompt requirements that you were given so that you can be sure that you did not include any irrelevant information or if you forgot to present information that is required for your application.