Serving for health - GKS graduate degree program, personal statement

Hi,
Would someone be so kind to review my motivation letter for the Korean government scholarship?
Thank you!

When I was a child, my father left for South Korea to work. So, I lived alone with my mother. My mother is a doctor, so she worked and studied all day long. The home was almost empty, had a few pieces of furniture, and there were medical books in every corner. After school, I would spend all day at the hospital where my mother worked. When we arrive home I had nothing to play with except her stethoscope while she would read. My mother even taught me how to use a stethoscope and a sphygmomanometer. That's why you could say I almost spent my childhood at the hospital. Soon my mother left for Korea to study. After a while, my parents both came back from South Korea. They would often talk about how wonderful Korea is and I started to become fond of Korea. My mother told me I should go study in Korea if I ever had the chance.

I grew up looking up to my mother, so I always wanted to become a doctor. But I changed my mind when I was in middle school. I was more interested in social sciences. I enjoyed looking at social issues from a broader perspective and digging into problems. However, I was also interested in medicine. During that time, my mother completed a master's degree in public health. Because of that, I came to know about Public Health science, which combines social sciences and medicine. After graduation from high school, I enrolled in a Public Health school according to my wishes. The university I attended was the same university my mother graduated from, so I would constantly receive advice and guidance from her. I joined the Student Union when I was a freshman because my mother advised me to not only focus on my studies but also to be active in social activities. I had been a normal student for the first two years of my studies. However, this all suddenly changed when I started my junior year. In junior year, I started taking professional classes for my major. I joined the school of public health's student club where I met my senior, and she introduced me to her supervisor as a research partner.

At first, I thought her supervisor wasn't very fond of me. She gave me lots of work, and every study paper I wrote was reviewed and rewritten over and over again. All the criticisms would fill up the page leaving no space. There were always times of discouragement. I was scared when she would call me to come, and sometimes I wanted to hide somewhere. But I realized that it wasn't because she didn't like me. She just wanted me to learn things step by step. I am glad to have had a supervisor like her. Thanks to the teacher's guidance, I won first place in the research conference and was selected to participate in the Yonsei Global Health Leadership Course, in which I had the opportunity to visit Korea. Even though it was just for a week, it was the most wonderful and memorable experience for me. From this point onward, I became strongly willed to study in Korea without any hesitation. In my final year, I became an honorary member of the Student Union, received the director's scholarship, and successfully completed a one-year YGHL course.

Now I work as a specialist in charge of research at the National Center for XXX. My duty is to oversee public health programs, including statistical analysis, health care planning, surveillance systems, and conduct public health promotion activities in the field of gerontology.

During my time working at the center, our research team successfully completed a high-profile national-scale research project funded by the WHO. I have continued to develop my knowledge of research methodology, statistics, and public health promotion. I gained valuable experience working in the field.

From this point in my life, I am fully aware of my vision and duties in public health. Identify and investigate health issues and health hazards in the population. By having a clear vision and purpose in mind, I am able to enjoy reading research papers and focusing on current public health problems, analyzing trends, and brainstorming ideas for solutions.

I want to learn how to serve the health needs of a culturally diverse population and how developed countries manage their public health systems. I want to identify the problems with my own country's health system and learn how it can be fixed.

Finally, I want to help make changes that benefit my country, as well as the world.

Change the focus of the family background. Do not focus on your mother being a doctor. Instead, focus on how your father left for South Korea to work, what impact it had on the family, how your father influenced your decision to study a masters course in Korea based upon his living and working experience in the country. These information will be more notable and relevant to the motivation letter as suggested by the prompts. You may slightly mention your mother but only in reference to the change of your interest from medicine to Public Health Science. You may offer one paragraph for each parent, based on relevant discussion information.

Shorten the college experience. The relevance of the motivational letter has to connect heavily with your professional exposure at this point. There must be evidence that your masters studies will have a specific use in your current workplace or in relation to your planned career growth. The last 2 being the motivating factors behind your desire for higher studies.




This is the weakest aspect of the personal statement as it only describes work experience but does not refer to any notable individual accomplishments, recognition, or publications on the part of the applicant. These accomplishments are a major part of the consideration as it reflects how successful you will be as a masters degree student in this course.

The essay fails to explain why the student has chosen to study this course in Korea. This is why I am asking the applicant to focus on the experience of the father as a worker in Korea and its influence on the child. It must be equal or stronger than the influence of the mother.

@ll12
Your paper is good, but it lacks some details about your traits of character, own achievements, and so on. What guide did you use to write it? I plan to submit the personal statement soon and decided to write it alone. Finding a guide turned out to be a big problem. I tried to find the solution for my problem on the Internet, but it turned out that not so many guides on paper writing are effective. If you decide to rerite/check your paper once again, please, get acquainted with this information first