Hello everyone! I really appreciate if some of you could help me to check my essay for GKS.
I wrote more than one page but it is only a draft. I'd like that you say me which part is not relevant to correct or erase it please.
I am not sure about the beginning of my essay.
The essay must be single spaced within ONE page.
Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
Since I was a child, I was a very social and supportive person who loved to relate with others kids, to know about them and to worry if they were not feeling good so I could help them. I was born and raised in Cusco - Perú a place considered one of the mega diverse countries besides being quite touristic. My parents despite being very young when I was born instilled in me many values, mainly respect, honesty and empathy, this last a quality that not many people understand (many come to understand). My family played an important role in my life because without their support I wouldn't have been able to become in the person who I am today. With their help I was able to develop my personality which sometimes played tricks on me, maybe because sometimes I was a very empathic person and stopped to think about me and how I felt to think about others. Time helped me to improve those aspects of my life experiencing good and bad things I began to build a fairly stable personality and know me deeply. Also, this helps me to know people in a better way and that they feel comfortable with me and thus create new relationships.
During the high school that was catholic, offered different volunteering programs related to social help as well as workshops to participate in discussions about people's rights, of course I enrolled and participated in during throughout high school.
During my volunteering helping homeless and needy people I was be able to realize so many things among them the social and economic inequality and injustice that exists in my country. And on the other hand, the discussions about people's rights led me to run for school representative and with hard work I was able to be the voice of my classmates. By being school representative I acquired several skills such as being able to solve problems of the academic community with ease, being quite proactive as well as being a multifaceted person because I had to be in several committees. One of the most important skill that I acquired was learn to lead a group of people successfully. These experiences were quite significant for my life without knowing that they would later serve as motivation for my complementary studies. On the one hand, I understood that there were inequality and injustice in my country and, on the other hand I learned that I had the ability to solve conflicts and I was also able to lead people and encourage them to work for the common good. Thanks to these experiences that I had at high school; I was able to decide what career to choose when I finished the high school. I was looking for a career with identity in which I could relate people, get to know them, help them if they had a problem and defend them if they needed it. In other way I wanted to be part of the change that my country needed to overcome the political and socioeconomic deficiencies also the corruption that is a very common problem in an underdeveloped country. This is how I decided to study Law to forge myself as a professional.
I entered a private university known in my city for being good in the faculty of law and political science. My parents made a great effort to be able to pay for a private university, also the law career is not cheap and we belong to the middle class with a tight budget, but not bad. Thanks to their unconditionally support I didn't waste any year of career and made the most of it. They motivated me to continue studying, not to give up and become a successful person.
While my university studies, I was interested in many courses such as regional and local government law, regulation of public services, administrative law, economic law and political management are some of my favorites. Throughout my career I enrolled in several study groups including the comparative law study circle, where I learned about how was the legislation in other countries was, which countries had a good legislative structure and why these countries became world powers. Each session we studied different world powers and one of them caught my attention, this was South Korea, a country that I really knew little about because it was on the other side of the world. While I study this country, I liked it more and more. From its culture and traditions, to its developed technology and of course its system of governance. I realized that if my country could have as a Korean model of their educational, economical or healthcare systems, my country would really improve within its own standards and its citizens would have a better quality of life.
A year before finished my degree I started my internship in different law firms in order to learn more, I also got experience working in municipalities in my province as an assistant legal advisor, assistant to the municipal ombudsman for children and adolescents and worked for a few months in the area of taxation. Last year, two months after the beginning of the pandemic, I finished my university studies satisfactorily, placing me in the order of merits in the top fifth position in reference to my classmates. When I finished my studies unfortunately the pandemic had started and it was very difficult to find a job, it was a great frustration for me because I had the desire to work in order to minimize the economic burden on my family and to pay for my next studies, but unfortunately, I could not. As a result of not being able to work, my parents once again supported me by deciding to continue studying. I took specialization courses in my academic area, the courses I was able to finish studying last year are specializations in public management and governance, human resources management and auditing, project management, and training of consultants for procurement with the state.
Before the health crisis, I considered working for a couple of years and saving money in order to achieve my goal, which was to pay for a master's degree in public administration in South Korea, since my parents were financially limited and could not support me with this expense. Fortunately, while I'm reading about Korean culture and researching about their universities, I was surprised to find out that the Korean government offered scholarships to pursue higher education in South Korea, I saw that I met the requirements and began to prepare myself. Last September I started to learn the Korean language or Hangul, it was a new challenge for me, since its writing system is very interesting and totally different from the Latin system, which of course I am happy to learn. I am also learning more about their customs and traditions. I have a very good teacher with whom I have been able to easily learn Hangul and learn more about Korea, she was lucky enough to know the country. She encourages me to continue with my dreams of studying abroad. Also, I am reinforcing my knowledge about the bilateral relations that South Korea has with my country Peru. Finally I would like to say that I am applying to this program because in order to achieve my goals I would like to pursue a master's degree in public administration so I can learn more about their legal system and the global advances that a first world country has, I am also applying for the scholarship because of the generous financial aid offered such as tuition, housing and airfare among other expenses, contrary to what other countries offer. Considering that financing my studies abroad would be quite expensive and I don't have this kind of budget. I also take into consideration the great responsibilities that come with getting a scholarship and being a scholar. This scholarship is a great opportunity to broaden my knowledge in law and learn about your public administration which I find fascinating and quite modern in infrastructure, equipment, good logistics and human resources management. In addition, I would like to experience Korean culture by living it in person, meet people from different countries and exchange cultural knowledge and experiences. I want to be capable to speak the Korean language fluently to be able to create relationships between Peru and Korea.
I appreciate that you have taken the time to read who I am and what I'm capable to offer. I also appreciate that you can consider my application to the GKS program, hoping that I will be able to fulfill my goals and objectives thanks to you. I express my heartfelt gratitude for letting me participate in the global Korea scholarship and let foreign students like me fulfill their dreams by studying in prestigious universities in South Korea
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,170 3638
For the family background aspect, you are too focused on yourself in that presentation. While the family dynamic that helped you develop your personality is a part of the presentation, the reviewer needs to learn something else about your parents, aside from the fact they supported you in various ways. Are they financially well to do? What are their jobs? Are you following in their footsteps? Which parent was the most influential in your development personally, academically, and career aspirations considered? Why was that so? These are information points that show a deeper family background and a more cohesive family unit to the reviewer. These are the facts that he is going to be highly interested in.
Since you are already a college graduate, there is no need to present the high school background. Remember that you are already applying for the G program so you should be discussing, based on relevance, how your college education applies itself to your program of interest. Try to discuss being middle class in the family section of the presentation, be cohesive in your discussion, don't present the essay in a manner that keeps jumping from topic to topic, the reviewer will not be able to get a clear picture of your prompt responses if you have no writing direction.
Do not refer to your reason for deciding to study in Korea in this essay. There is no prompt requirement for you to do so. That is not what is being assessed as a part of the application this year. The focus is more on your family, academic, and character background this time. Remove all unnecessary references as per prompt requirements. That part is self explanatory and easy to spot on your end.
Do not discuss the scholarship program and your desire to be a candidate due to the limited fund of your parents. That is one great way to NOT be considered for the program. There should be a focus only on the REQUIRED discussion points. The rest of your essay actually deviates from the requirements so you will really need to write a new essay instead of trying to revise this one.