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What would you guys change in this paragraph to make it smoother



Davidg021 3 / 4  
Aug 10, 2016   #1
Throughout my life I have encountered many situations that have formed the person that I am today. I began my life in a small apartment on the outskirts on Miami, Florida. I have lived in this cage for almost 10 years now and almost nothing has changed. I share this apartment with only my mother and my younger brother. Being an older brother has taught me a great deal about being an example and about responsibility. My younger brother, quite honestly, can sometimes be very difficult to deal with. I sometimes believe he enjoys being mischievous since he's always lying and misbehaving. Even though he's always trying his hardest to test my patience, the worst part about him is his will to not do homework. Since my mother is not intellectually capable of helping with his homework it is me that has to assist him, mainly convince him. He is at all times fighting with me so he does not have to do his homework, which pushes my patience to its limits. Although mostly negative, my misbehaving brother has taught me how to be patient and responsible, not merely for myself, but also with other individuals. The lesson I learned while dealing with my brother helped me immensely with my academic struggles, but little did I know I was going to need both patience and responsibility when it came to helping my precious Mom.

gabrieloandco 10 / 11  
Aug 10, 2016   #2
I don't know what you mean with smooth, but I would write it like this:

I share this apartment only with only my mother and my younger brother.
Since my mother is not intellectually capable of helping with his homework; it is me that has to assist him, mainly convince him.

Heis at all times fightingseeks to fight with me so he does not have to do his homework, which pushes my patience to its limits.

Although mostly negative, my misbehaving brother has taught me how to be patient and responsible,; not merely for myself, but also with other individuals

Apart from that I don't know what else I could add because your paragraph is really well written. The only things I see a bit out of place it's the commas, but no big deal.
OP Davidg021 3 / 4  
Aug 10, 2016   #3
Thank you Gabriel and by smooth I meant that this paragraph is an introduction paragraph and I feel as if it is not transitional enough, if that makes any sense.
gabrieloandco 10 / 11  
Aug 10, 2016   #4
Well, you open your paragraph in a proper way; establishing what will be the content of it. Also, the last sentence of the paragraph succeeds at connecting it with another ; I guess you will be talking about your mom afterwards. So, in my opinion, it is a well made introductory paragraph and adequately transitional.


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