My idea is about making SAMSUNG the only leading company in Africa

Hello everyone I am applying for KGSP program ,I need to write a letter of self introduction. Here's is what i write can you help me improve this?thank you for you time

My concept for the Samsung company

I was barley 13 when I recognized that I have bigger dreams with technologies. I always have passion for computers and mobiles. I spent all part of my high school life in front of computers and mobile screens, trying to cause problems so that I can fix them. I got government scholarship to go to university and was accepted at xxxxx institute of Technology, which is one of the best universities in Ethiopia. My desires to study was continuously high, after going through three years in Electrical Engineering, on my fourth and fifth year I specialized in computer Engineering, which gave me the opportunity to become more sociable, ethical, hardworking, independent and ability to work with others. While I was in the university I have accomplished certificates in maintenance of computer and networking plus Google certified for internet safety, search, google plus and chrome.

During my internship time in xxxxx Financial Technology, I have worked on responsible projects the first was Customer Care Resolution Tool Design and Implementation, the second was Cutoff service for Ethiopian Electric utility using Java programming language, while I was in university I have developed desktop application for Lifan Motors Sales, Patient Information System(PIS) for university clinic and Barcode reader using webcam for security using Visual Studio programming language. After graduation time run out success was my only option failure was not I did not want to spend time applying CV all over the place, getting job wasn't easy, because I need to take care of my family so I have a one year work experience in print and advertising with Adobe Photoshop, while I was working their I built my own business plan which includes one stop service for computer and mobile maintenance, online multiplayer games and entertainment zone. The entertainment category includes South Korean TV- Show it represent their culture and development and I am always thankful for that because it supported my life and my families.

I really wish when the kids come to play games I satisfy their need because i never had chance like them, they are my inner peace. I choose to study my Master Degree with KGSP because it provides higher education with practical work most and above all what inspire me is the technology innovation like SAMSUNG the world largest mobile phone maker plus South Korea is the world leader in internet connectivity. I know this program is the key to achieve my dream by allowing me to provide services or support to end user, because there is untapped Market in my country. In conclusion, I would be honored to earn my Master's Degree in Korea. This program will satisfy my hunger to further my knowledge.

Dawit, the KGSP self-introduction letter actually follows a specific format and required information for you to present in your letter. The current letter that you have does not qualify for their self introduction because you did not properly represent the required information in your letter. In case you did not bother to read the instructions before you wrote the letter, let me repeat the required information here. Your letter must reflect the following:

o Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea

Based upon the above information, it should be pretty obvious that you will need to write a totally new letter. One that actually reflects the required information as per the scholarship program criteria. Once you write the new, more prompt responsive letter, please start a new thread that contains the revised essay. I will help you review and revise your new letter in the new thread.

@Holt
i have made changes based on what you inform me pls let me know if i have to improve it again .

I was barley 13 when I recognized that I have big dreams when it comes to technologies. I have always had great passion for computers and mobiles. I spent all part of my high school life in front of computers and mobile screens, trying to cause problems so that I can fix them. In the year 2011 I was given a government scholarship to go to university and was accepted at xxx institute of Technology, which is one of the best universities in Ethiopia. (...)

While this is an improvement, you still have not represented the last two parts of the prompt requirement in the essay. These are requirements pertaining to the reason why you chose the KGSP program in particular to support you in relation to your desired masters degree studies and why you decided to study in Korea. These are two of the most important factors in the essay that will help convince the reviewer that you are serious about studying in Korea and that you will succeed in your line of interest while living in Korea for a number of years after graduation. Try to do some research about the industry that you are interested in joining, If it is Samsung that is of high interest to you and the main reason you want to study in Korea, then explain why that is. How can the sponsorship of KGSP help you in achieving that goal? Think about why Korea is the best place for you to study and expand on the idea. It can be related to the field of study, the culture, the language, you need something that will clearly explain your decision to study in Korea instead of other countries that offer the same masters degree opportunities.

@Holt i hope i have made some changes .thank you

I was barley 13 when I recognized that I have big dreams when it comes to technologies. I have always had great passion for computers and mobiles. I spent all part of my high school life in front of computers and mobile screens, trying to cause problems so that I can fix them. In the year 2011 I was given a government scholarship to go to university and was accepted at xxx institute of Technology, which is one of the best universities in Ethiopia. My desires to study was continuously high, after going through three years in Electrical Engineering (...)

In paragraph 3, remove the reference to your adolescence and present the information about your desire to work for Samsung instead. Since you are expected to live in Korea for a few years after graduation, explain why working for Samsung will help you further develop your practical and theoretical skills. Next, do not use the story from your grandfather to justify your desire to study in Korea. His sentiment does not apply to the current Korean society. What we are looking for here is a personal reason, based on your knowledge of Korean culture, tradition, or in relation to your interest in developing your workplace skills. The discussion about Samsung would be the best representative of that dialogue. Just expand as best as you can on the idea that you were attracted to study in Korea because of the possibility of working for Samsung. Do not over discuss that topic though because you will need to present the more detailed discussion of that in the post study plan essay. An overview or summary will be enough.

@Holt

what confuse me the most is i want to know about south Korean culture and tradition, the only thing i know is that they are highly motivated for working hard, for the rest do i have to lie about the things i don't know about it ? and i have removed what you implicate me to change hopefully .

Dawit, then say exactly that. The prompt asks you to discuss your reasons for wanting to study in Korea. Say that you do not know much about Korea aside from the country's leading position in terms of technological development. You want to learn about the country, traditions and culture that helped to make the country a leader in this field. Explain that you wish to study in Korea in order to create a better professional outlook for yourself based upon the experience of working, living, and immersing yourself in all things Korea. Be honest. Do not lie. If you do not know anything about the country, then use that as the major strength of your response.

In the 4th paragraph, remove the first half that you wrote because that sounds like information that you researched. Always go for personal enlightenment in terms of your responses. So the response that focuses on you wishing to work for Samsung responds well in terms of motivation and reasons for studying in Korea. Remove the 5th paragraph that you wrote because it is an irrelevant concluding sentence. You should just focus on the information that is required of you in the prompt. The way they have it structured, you will have presented an opening, a body, and a conclusion, all based upon the required information and nothing more.

Your essay is almost done. Just bear with me a little bit more in terms of editing it. We are almost over the hump. We should be done within 1 or 2 more edits.

@Holt
i removed the Irrelevant parts in the paragraph and i compressed it to 3 paragraphs, which focus on the goals no extra stuff. i hope i have made some progress and most and above all thank you for your time.

I was barley 13 when I recognized that I have big dreams when it comes to technologies. I have always had great passion for computers and mobiles. I spent all part of my high school life in front of computers and mobile screens, trying to cause problems so that I can fix them. In the year 2011 I was given a government scholarship to go to university and was accepted at xxx institute of Technology, which is one of the best universities in Ethiopia. My desires to study was continuously high, after going through three years in Electrical Engineering, on my fourth and fifth year I specialized in computer Engineering, which gave me the opportunity to gain a more in depth knowledge of the subject by working on project like development of desktop application for xxx Motors Sales, Patient Information System (PIS) for university clinic and Bar-code reader using webcam for security using Visual Studio programming language. More over the years I spent at the university have thought me how to be a more ethical, hardworking, and independent as well as team oriented person. Furthermore, I have accomplished certificates in maintenance of computer and networking plus Google certified for internet safety, search, Google plus and chrome.

During my internship time in xxx Financial Technology, I worked on two different projects, the first was Customer Care Resolution Tool Design and Implementation, the second was Cutoff service for Ethiopian Electric utility using Java programming language. Living in a country where the use of technology has not developed it was not easy to go in the world and find a job as my only alternative I decided to use my entrepreneur skills to open my own business by using the knowledge acquired throughout the years. The business mainly focus on a one stop service for computer and mobile maintenance, online multiplayer games, WI-Fi service at their home and entertainment zone. The entertainment category includes South Korean TV- Show which give a vivid image of the colorful culture and development. Even though it was one of the most challenging periods of my life I am thankful for it because it has tout me many things and made me mentally stronger as well as help me take care of my family.

South Korea is known for quality education in information and communication. it's considered the best in the world in IT and Robotics on top of that the business in Asia is booming the major factors for this growth are the rapid embrace of technology and engineering by the South Korean government and the strong cultural motivation of the people to relentlessly work hard, there for the employment opportunities in South Korea are wide ranged. Above all its center of origin for technological innovation of SAMSUNG, the world's largest mobile phone maker. The main reason why I want to study in South Korea under the KGSP is because I genuinely feel it will bring my desire of working with the SAMSUNG company into reality. The program will give me advanced knowledge in the field of electronic engineering in order to add a value to the company while simultaneously helping me bring my goals of creating a wider spread use of the company's services back to my country .Aside from the country's leading position in terms of technological development, I can honestly say I am not in a position to say I know much about South Korea. However I want to learn about the traditions and culture because I believe it had a great impact on making the country a leader in the technological field. Studying in South Korea is of great importance because it will help me gain a better knowledge in the field but also help me bring to reality my goals. I would be honored to earn my Master's Degree in South Korea. This program will satisfy my hunger to further my knowledge.

If you will just change the way that you wrote the word Samsung from all upper case to first letter uppercase and the rest of the letters in lower case for all the instances when the word was mentioned, that will help to remove the impression that you are shouting at the reviewer. I know you mean to highlight the word for emphasis but in academic writing, you should never write anything in caps lock because that is considered shouting and disrespectful to the reader.

Aside from that, you may want you divide the last paragraph into 2 at this point. It is running a bit long and creates a very difficult paragraph to read due to its length. I suggest separating the paragraph at the point that says "The program will give me advanced knowledge in the field..."

Once you complete these revisions, the essay will be ready for submission along with the other 2 essays that you still need to write. Set this aside after correcting it and focus all of your attention on the next essay. This baby is ready to be put to bed.