Describe, in less than 300 words, a short essay on a subject of personal importance to you. You may choose any topic. Examples include: an event which has influenced you or a family member/friend/person who had a significant influence on you.
The indelible inspirations and values inculcated by the trio - my father, Beethoven and Einstein.
It all started when I was young my father had ignited my passion for science. On top of it, he also inspired me to become a scientist in the future. Subsequently, as I grew older, I learnt about Beethoven tenacious attitude. Despite all odds, he made his mark and carry on living a fulfilling life. From Beethoven himself, I have realized that hard work is required to success. Nevertheless, the crux is that he had an unyielding spirit in life which taught me to be resilient and be tenacious. At around the age for 17, I learnt about Einstein life. Not about science, but it was his love for violin make me understood and be certain of my future. Both Beethoven and Einstein are similar such that, they enlightened me to think and work differently from the norm so as to discover and improve and to usher in a new era.
All these years I have been indulging in an idyllic life, until I entered JC. It was then I decided that I will dedicate all my time in physics and piano so that I could make a mark in the future and contribute back to the society. As such, I covet for the scholarship as it can offer me more opportunities for me to pursue my interest at a greater depth, to develop leadership, equip myself with skills which are unable to learn elsewhere. Lastly, I wish to reduce the tuition fees so that my father does not have to worry about the sum of money every month.
I have a dream; to have the world revolutionize science and use it to salvage and aid most of our chronic ailments.
Could any kind soul please help me to correct any errors and give some comments?
Try rephrasing the sentence 'Despite all odds, he made his mark and carry on living a fulfilling life' as the tenses do not match.
Merci beaucoup Monsieur .
You have lofty aims .. you say you want to usher in a new era in science. Till recently you lived an 'idyllic' life, so you've only applied yourself for afew years at best. Applied yourself in a way that would make your 'work' great. For the kind of change you wish to make.
Your choice of physics and piano as what you wish to apply yourself to, is a good one, the combination. That is only the first step, important, but tiny, in face of where you say you want to go.
Einstein's love of the violin made you understand and be sure of your future. How is that ? And Beethoven's tenacity ? You'll have to say something more than that to show you've caught the essence of the man's will.
Finally, much improvement in grammar is needed to make this a viable scholarship application.
Apply yourself !
Thanks you Rajiv for your constructive criticism. I know you mean well, perhaps I do not have the flair for expressing myself. If I am not wrong you had perceived it wrongly "All these years I have been indulging in an idyllic life, until I entered JC ."
Anyway, I must thank you a thousand times for putting forth such criticism - showing the flaw in the essay.
Alright Lincoln. Glad to see you take the criticism constructively, as that was how I meant it.
I can rewrite your essay to improve the grammar. But for it to make the impact on the person who will judge it, you have to say more about the lessons you have taken from the lives of both Einstein and Beethoven, and your father, who is also in the trio. Think deeply what about them you've actually imbibed or wish to imbibe in your work habits and your character.
The indelible inspirations and values inculcated by the trio - my father, Beethoven and Einstein.
I have a dream;to have the world revolutionize science and use [develop new treatments for] it to salvage and aid most of our chronic ailments. [ .. mind you, now you're talking about medicine though your own interest is physics]
Rajiv Gera, your words have touch me.
I have drafted another one, as what you have instructed.( I have tried my best in expressing myself in clarity, please pardon me for any negligence.)
2nd draft:
The indelible inspirations and values inculcated by the trio - my father, Beethoven and Einstein.
It all started when I was young my father had ignited my passion for science. On top of that, he also inspired me to become a scientist. As I grew older, from Beethoven, I have learnt that hard work is required to success. He had an unyielding spirit in life which taught me to be resilient and tenacious in the face of adversity. It was his will which help me to get back on my feet and take a step closer to my dream. When I was 17, I learnt about Einstein's life. It was not about science, but how he juggled his love for violin that made me understand and become certain what my own future would be; music and physics are my left and right wings. Both Beethoven and Einstein are similar in that they taught me to think and work differently from being just ordinary so as to discover the original and new, and improve on the old and to bring change and even usher in a new era. Now, I will dedicate all my time in physics and piano so that I make my mark in the future and to contribute to the society.
As such, I covet this scholarship as it will offer me more opportunities to pursue my interest in greater depth, to develop leadership and equip myself with skills which I would be unable to learn elsewhere. Lastly, I also wish to reduce the burden of tuition fees on my father.
I have a dream; science being revolutionized so that it can solve, hopefully eradicate, the woes in our world.
I have to admit that I have lofty dream, but I believe that our ancestors have taken the first step to encourage people to have a dream for themselves. Most importantly, it must not be a malicious one. One thing I am certain of is that, not only me but all the good souls dream of the earth as a better place for everyone - say no to sufferings and injustice.
This needs looking at from another perspective as well, maybe Susan or Kevin will do that.
Good luck.
At the beginning of the essay, I think science is not the right word to use. It is too general. This is an age of specialization. Moreover, people who read a lot about the topics that interest them tend to develop strong opinions and SPECIALIZED interests. So instead of referring to science, I think you should specify one or more of your particular areas of interest in that sentence. Referring generally to "science" doe not make a strong start.
At the end of the essay, I think "chronic" is not the best word. Also, at the end, like at the beginning, I think you should refer to specific interests and inspirations that motivate you. Show that you have been reading.
I think you have a great approach, referring to Einstein and Beethoven. Continue it by showing how that juxtaposition influences your current reading.
:-)
Thanks you Kevin for your comments, I will alter it. Anyway in the next draft, I have changed a large part of the content.