Introducing myself in the KGSP application - trying to get into Korean school

Hi everyone! i would applying KGSP for next year, and i'm trying to make my self introduction earlier. English is not my first language, so I would greatly appreciate if you could correct me and make it better. thank you for your attention to assist me.

here is the requirements :
- Your course of life, view of life, study background, your hopes&wishes, etc.
- Your education and work experience, etc (in relation to the KGSP program)
- Your motivation for applying for this program
- Reason for study in Korea

and here is it my

Letter of Self Introduction.

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I was born in Makassar City, the capitas city of South Celebes in Indonesia,but I raised and lived my life in Bulukumba Regency,one of district in South Celebes. I was the fifth child of five siblings, my father was a entrepreneurs in the field of welding workshop and my mother run a daily catering business. After completing my senior high school,I attended the national selection for university entrance in Makassar City and the result was I registered as agrotechnology student at the Faculty of Agriculture in Hasanuddin University. Since I was child, I've dreamed to be an architect but I didn't get in to architecture department in university and I was little bit disappointed that time, but during my college life at agrotechnology, I found out that there is a concentration in the field of landscape architecture in my department. Since that time, I was find out what is landscape architecture, what is the field of their activity and I was amazed that there is profession that design the out space of building to keep the balance of the environmental and life, not only for humans but also animals and plants. After that, I accomplished my study with concentration in landscape architecture for four years and one month with thesis title is Re-design Maccini Park in Makassar City. During my college years, I have been a laboratory assistant several times in botanical courses, general ecology, statistics and experimental design.

My future goal is being a Landscape Architect who can make an impact to Indonesia, especially in my hometown, Makassar. With this scholarship program I feel I can learn a lot from Korean's Landscape Architect and lecturer at Department of Landscape Architect and Rural System Engineering, College of Agriculture and Life Science in Seoul National University. I hope that I could adopting how Korean's landscape architect working and management system for green open space especially at town park field and implement it to Indonesia. With all the knowledge that I gain, I would give redesign ideas to public park to make it more interesting and educate people to keep the park together and I am sure that Korean Government Scholarship can make it come true.

For more than four years, I felt in love with Korean culture, language and I really want to learn it directly from the country of origin. I was very amazed how Korea have a very good transportation system, how they keep the heritage of history very well, and able to make it a more attraction for the foreign to know more about the history of Korea when visiting Korea. I was inspired with Korean people, that they were working so hard to pursue their dreams to make a better life. I see Korean take education very seriously, especially for higher education like a university. Graduating from Korea University will be my own pride and I am sure it will make life better for me in the future.

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once again, thank you for your help.

Your essay doesn't indicate your point of view about life (in relation to your relationship with your family) but it does address your hopes and wishes in a minor way. Develop that discussion to be more relevant informative. The education and work experience needs to be detailed in terms of your college education and any recognition or awards/honors received. Even your work experience falls short of the detailed narrative that this essay requires. While your motivation is good, the way you explained it is a bit confusing. As for your reasons for studying in Korea, your explanation is unacceptable as you have not shown the progression of your interest in Korean culture, society, education, etc in a manner that will prove that you could most likely adapt and perform in an acceptable manner as a student in Korea. Do yourself a favor, read the other KGSP letter of self-introduction essays that are available here. Read how they accomplished their letters and try to develop a letter that is similar in content and presentation. What you wrote here cannot be considered usable. It is just a draft copy and nothing more. You need to improve the aspects that I mentioned above as soon as you can.

@Holt
Thank you so much for your correction. I will improve the aspects that you mention before..