IvySelect Scholarship Personal Statement

Short Answer Question: In 250 words, tell us your goals for college and beyond. How do you hope to contribute to society?

Upon graduating from CCHS (only abbreviated as to not reveal too much on the internet) this upcoming spring, I plan to attend New York University, if admitted, majoring in Marketing and a currently undecided co-major. In addition to my major academic pursuits, I intend to develop and broaden my various skills by participating in clubs including, but not limited to the school newspaper, a theatre troupe, a community service organization, the math club, and the dance club. I also desire to study abroad at least twice during my college career in order to enrich my understanding of foreign cultures as well as to condition my skills to work on an international level. For community service, in addition to giving back to the local area around my college, I am interested in going on a service trip to help families in less fortunate areas of the world, such as Africa and parts of China, survive their economic hardships. After earning a bachelors degree, I would like to continue my education and attend graduate school for a master's degree.

I hope to contribute to society one day by using my education in Marketing to help promote environmentally friendly products in the consumer market. I would like to figure out way to make these products seem more appealing to consumers and hopefully increase their sales so much as to have them replace more harmful products. Although we have made significant progress in recent years, I think there is still much more to do to heal the Earth from human-caused climate change.

It sounds too good to be true. This is a problem.


First, you say you are doing this to broaden your skills rather than to contribute to the university. Second, and much more important, it raises the question of when you plan to actually study. I suppose you could join all these clubs and participate in each of them fully and still get good marks, but it seems to me as if you simply haven't thought through the time requirements involved, or else are making up a list that you think will be impressive without intending to follow through.


Actually, you might want to focus more on the "local area," thing, given your target audience. And why Africa and China? And what exactly do you intend to do to help out the people there?

Overall, you need to be more specific when discussing your plans, providing concrete details that show that you have really thought your answer through.

How is this? It is due tonight.:

After graduating from Catholic Central High School in the spring, I plan to attend New York University. If admitted, I will major in Marketing along with a currently undecided co-major. In addition to my major academic pursuits, I intend to develop and broaden my various skills and contribute to NYU by participating in clubs and organizations such as the Washington Square News, Tisch New Theatre, and the Marketing Society. For community service, I am interested in volunteering locally by getting involved with the Kids Acting Out organization, which brings theatre to the lives of at-risk elementary and middle-school youth in New York City with the intention of increasing their chances of success in life. It is also my desire to study abroad at least twice during my college career in order to enrich my understanding of foreign cultures, as well as to condition my skills to work internationally. After earning a bachelor's degree, I would like to continue my education and attend graduate school for a master's degree.

I hope to contribute to society one day by using my education in Marketing to help promote environmentally friendly products in the consumer market. I would like to develop ways to make these products more appealing to consumers, and also increase their sales enough to have them replace more environmentally harmful products. Although we have made significant progress in recent years, I think there is still much more to do to heal the Earth from numerous decades' worth of human-induced climate change.

^You offer a reason as to why you would like to do community service, however offer no reason as to why you would want to participate in all of those clubs. What do those clubs mean to you, and how exactly are you going to contribute to them?

Increasing their chances of success in life? First of all, success is defined differently by different groups of people. Secondly, do you bleive that your volunteer work and some theatre can honestly make these kids have a greater chance of being 'successful'?


^^How is this contributing to anything apart from your selfish self development?


^Your first two sentences are arguably your strongest.
In your final sentence, who is 'we'?
There is always much more to do. It is not just your own belief.

Ok, I will fix that.
But...is it necessary to provide reasons for those activities with such a restrictive word limit as 250 words?
And, isn't my part about how I want to study abroad a part of my "goals for college and beyond", as it asks for in the question?

Also, if you think I should still provide reason for those activities, what should I remove from the essay to make space for it?

More reasonable essay in terms of scope. Explaining why you want to contribute to the activities you list would indeed be a good idea. You could cut some of the stuff that isn't really relevant. Liebe did a good job in pointing out what might be cut:

Ok, thank you.