I am not a strong writer so bare with me. I would appreciate it if I could get advice from you guys. Thank You.
Here is my essay about someone who has impacted my life:
No matter how broad or minute the impact a person has on another, the results can be very astonishing. Both positive and negative impacts have the potential to assist someone to rebuild and recover their life while at the same time it also has the power to destroy lives. Throughout my brief journey on earth, I've been surrounded by numerous people who have impacted my life in various ways. As for many people, the person that has impacted them the most might be an adult of some title like a doctor, teacher, or even parents but for me that person happened to be my cousin James. Although he is about four years older than me, he has encountered the challenges that I'm facing today. I am basically following his footstep but with much more knowledge of how to react to a situation. While introducing me to invest in my future, James has prevented me from making the mistakes he did during school. Overtime our friendship grew and he became like a brother and a mentor who has always encouraged me through socially, scholastically and financially.
Although my parents have always been willing sacrifice time and money for me to be successful, they just weren't able to answer the questions that I have. I believe that it is rather a requirement job for parents to take good care of their children than decide whether to assist their kids or not. Just like other parents, my mom and dad have done a great job of raising me and helping me build my own character. They have always attempted to do help whenever they can, but they were limited to the help they can give me. The problem was my parents didn't grow up in the U.S. and they didn't know how it is like to transition from a dependent to an independent person in the U.S. However, I didn't worry much because my cousin James, who had the experience that my parents lacked, has stepped in just in time and became my mentor. Unlike my parents, my cousin had no reasons whatsoever to intrude and bug into my life but learning from his mistakes he had the desire of helping others like me to not make the same mistakes that he made.
Years before James was introduced to my life, I was just another person who didn't have any plans for the future. I was the average student who always put fun over school. Time would fly by year after year and it felt like the only thing that has changed in me was my age. It took me a long time to realize that the way I use time was a waste. I began to think about how my life would be after I leave high school. Even though my thoughts were really good when I compared my dream to reality, I wasn't doing anything to get closer to my goal. I realized that I needed to focus on academics if I wanted to be an engineer. During that time, I was questioning myself on whether my dreams will come true or will it ever be just another dream that stays a dream. In the summer of 2011, I finally met the cousin that my uncles have always bragged about. Sharing the same interest and thoughts, we quickly became close friends. After about the first few days, I asked him about his school and how he got there. He told me that he is currently attending University of Oklahoma with more than half of his tuition fees paid for. After I interviewed him he did the same to me but with a unique approach. He started by asking me "where would you be in 10 years?" That question rushed repeatedly through my head and the room was silence. It took me a while to even think about it but I answered "I would probably be at college getting my masters degree for Electrical Engineering." He moved on to another question, "what are you doing now to reach your goal?" At that point I told him that I wasn't doing anything not because I didn't want to but rather because I didn't know what to do. For the next half hour he explained what I could do to get the most out of myself and that it'll take commitment to accomplish my goals. Our discussion went on and on because I asked him almost every question that I could think of. It was one of the most important conversations that I had with anyone in my life. He had motivated me and I felt as if I was ready to take on the challenges that lie ahead.
Now three years later, we would always keep in touch through texts and emails. I would still ask him many questions and he always had a way of answering them and shared his views. When thinking back of how I changed over the past few years, my grades and commitment to school work improved while I am becoming more independent. I glad that I met a person like James because he has influenced me so much. I value James' character and desire of helping others, and I promised myself that I would help others who need someone to talk to. Because of the numerous amount of time I've texted or emailed him with question, he might think he's just wasting his time. One day when I become a successful engineer, I hope to show him my appreciation of his help by surprise and I will share a more in-depth version of my story with everyone.
What's the minimum word count requirement? (How long does this need to be?)
I am training in writing english too. I like to read your essay. It offers me a lot of things which do help me in grammar. Through your essay, easy to recognize that James is your model, one in million and very important to you. But in my point of view, our parents influence us very much. When you were a little child, parents taught you the basic things in your life. they helped you to go through difficulties you meet. They both helped you the world as it is. Furthermore, they built the stable base which helps you get, feel anything from James or someone.
Hope everybody understand, I am not sure about my grammar.
The essay has to be 550 words or more.
Overalls, the essay seems pretty good, just go into the conversation between you and your cousin a little more as the conversation is the great impact he made on you. I'm thinking maybe you can explore what could have happened if you didn't have that conversation with your cousin. This may emphasize more on the impact he made on you. Otherwise, I feel like this would be just one of those moments where people begin to grow up. Also, explain how's those questions he asked you really make you think and change (some examples on the advises he gave you?).
Your original paper went off topic too often. Here's a revision (or, at least, a start):
Unlike my parents and peers, my older cousin James had no reason whatsoever to intrude into my personal affairs. Nonetheless, over time-and despite a four-year age difference-our friendship grew and he became like a brother and a mentor who taught me the means to success.
Years before James was introduced to my life, I was just another person who didn't have any concrete future plans. I was an average student with misplaced priorities. Year after year, I felt as though the only thing that had changed in me was my age. It took me a long time to realize that I had spent my time wastefully and inefficiently. I began to think about life after high school. Even though I had high ambitions, I wasn't doing anything to get closer to these goals. I realized that I needed to focus on academics if I wanted to be an engineer. During that time, I began to question whether my dreams would ever reach fruition.
Then, in the summer of 2011, I finally met the cousin who my uncles had always bragged about. Sharing the same interests and beliefs, James and I quickly became close friends. I soon asked him about his school- University of Oklahoma-and how he got there. After interviewing him, he did the same to me but with a unique approach: he started by asking, "Where will you be in 10 years?" That question rushed repeatedly through my head and the room was silent. Eventually, I answered, "I will probably be at college getting my masters' degree in electrical engineering."
When he asked me what I was doing to reach my goal, I told him that I wasn't doing anything-not because I didn't want to but rather because I didn't know what to do. For the next half hour he explained what I could do to get the most out of myself and that it would require commitment to accomplish my goals.
Our discussion continued. I asked him almost every question that I could think of. It was one of the most important conversations that I've had with anyone. He had motivated me and I felt as if I was ready to face the challenges that lie ahead.
Now three years later, we maintain contact through text messages and emails. I still ask him many questions, and he always has a way of answering them clearly and insightfully. I have changed considerably over the past few years. My academic commitment and performance have improved and I have learned the value of independence.
I'm grateful to have met a person like James, and long ago I promised myself that I would help others in the ways that he helped me. One day when I become a successful engineer, I hope to show him my appreciation through action and example.
Thanks for the help!!
I wanted to be more in depth about our conversion but I need help doing it.
The revision is great, but what about my introduction? Should I not keep it?
The main problem with your essay is the lack of focus. jkjeremy has done a fantastic job of trimming down most of your essay, cutting out irrelevant portions and replacing long-winded sentences with more concise statements. So yes, I would advise not to keep your original introduction - it's the sort of beginning that would immediately put your reader to sleep. Better cut straight to the point: who influenced your life and how did he do so.
I'm not sure what this essay is for, but I don't think it's a good idea to complaining about your parent's inability to assist you in your transition into your new life. It only portrays you as an ungrateful person. Also, it takes away from the focus of your essay.
Nevertheless, it's a good thing you got a first draft out! For me, the first try is always the hardest (and the most disheartening). Now, it's the fun stuff that follows: editing your piece until you are happy with it. You're lucky to have jkjeremy's guidance, so better get cracking! :)
what about my introduction? Should I not keep it?
The introduction I've included in my revision is the introduction you should use.
Your original introduction was so vague as to have been almost meaningless.
Every sentence of this essay must be about YOU...not "life."
This essay is a college acceptance and scholarship essay.
Jeremy's revision is great, however, I don't know what or how to add on because of my weak writing skills.
I don't know what or how to add on because of my weak writing skills.
WITHOUT looking at the essay, answer the questions below. Don't worry about the quality of your writing.
1. What specific priorities did James teach you about?
2. How is your friendship with James different from the friendships you share with others?
3. How did you feel about the "ten years" question?
More later...this forum doesn't allow much time to edit...
Nevertheless, it's a good thing you got a first draft out!
Indeed. This is often the hardest part. Without a first draft, a second draft is impossible.
tmangkim, please don't be discouraged. Your writing can and will improve (and it's not nearly poor as you might think it is).
1. What specific priorities did James teach you about?
2. How is your friendship with James different from the friendships you share with others?
3. How did you feel about the "ten years" question?
Sorry for the late reply:
1. He helped me mainly in these groups:
Time management- I used to spend time playing sports maybe 12 hours per week and going out with friends after school and barely anytime studying. I never went beyond homework and review for tests when it comes to studying. I don't read books, write essays, etc. unless it is for a grade. James has told me to get used to the workload that I will have to do in college. He is basically saying that getting used to studying and having more knowledge of things will help out a lot in school. It has broaden my knowledge. James told me that he had fun during his high school years but when it comes to college and the real world, he didn't quite fit in because he wasn't used to doing 2 essays per week, 1 book per week, etc. He has also told me to spend less time in sports and focus towards academics because sports is riskier. Even if I get scholarships to play college ball, it is risky because if I somehow end up injured it will be impossible for the college to keep on paying for my school. However, if i get scholarships academically there is a less chance of loosing the money because all I have to do is keep up with a minimum GPA to continue receive financial assistance for the college.
Help others- James is always helping someone, and he has always told me that helping others is helping yourself. He told me that I would never regret helping others because one day the people you help will somehow help you when you need help. All the community service records will help me when applying for certain scholarships and will make me stand out from the rest. The little help that James has given to me had a big impact in my life and for my future. Just like James, I want to mentor and help people because I know how much a small assistance can effect a person.
Staying focused- On the discussion we had, James has told me to make a goal and keep focus on that goal. He asked me what my main goal was and of course like many other I wanted to become rich. The main focus/goal in my life is to become a successful engineer, and when I become an engineer and finally make my own company I want to help students like me who needs money for school through financially as well as many others who needs help to make a living through giving them a job or direct financial assistance. He told me to be focused on the long run rather than now, if I wanted my future to be that bright I would have to sacrifice my time for studying and continuing towards my dream rather that backing away from it.
2. James shared many similarities with my other friends. I don't know if being his cousin makes the difference between him and my other friends or not. I guess James is more helpful to me and he understood me. We would always discuss about work, school, and other stuff like adults but with my other friends we just find something to laugh and joke about. Talking with James is almost always serious but we have fun discussing our mistakes and failures and such. Unlike my other friends James is like a mentor to me. I knew that if I follow his advice I will reach my goals.
3. The ten years question just you know made me think for a while. It kind of scared me through the process, it really worried me that I'm not making the right choices. I literraly had goosebumps and was basically afraid of life. These were all caused from the thinking about my past and questioning myself that if I keep on doing what I'm doing how will I ever be the person I dreamed about. This question was the beginning of the change in the way I look at things.
List ten feelings that YOU associate with the word "time." I mean words...not phrases.
List ten different priorities you developed as a result of your friendship with James (again, exactly one word each).
Before you met James, how did you feel about the future? Give me five WORDS.
Give me five words describing how you felt about the future AFTER your conversation with James.
I need exactly thirtydifferentwords here.
When I think about "time" I feel: Diminished, Empty, Pathetic, Dissatisfied, and Frustrated about the "time" in the past and Worried, Doubtful, but also Hopeful, Alive, and Positive about "time" in the future.
Determination, Confidence, Work Ethics, Strive, Cautiousness, Understanding, Stability, Focus, Management, Steadiness
Discouraged, Uncertain, Nervous, Lost, Concerned
Encouraged, Challenged, Re-ensured, Enlightened, Inspired
Cool. I'll need a few minutes to check out what you've done.
Please respond so that I'm able to post my thoughts as the forum software allows only a few minutes to edit and it will take me longer than that.
Just write "okay" or something like that...
Okay...I was able to add another post.
I want you to add every single one* of these words to the revision I did. Use them in any way you deem appropriate.
---As best you can, use them in completely new and different sentences.
---You might consider writing about your attitude before and after your conversation with James.
*The only two I don't want you to use are focus and encouraged, as you've already used forms of these.
Then I will edit again and you should be close to finished.
Okay Thanks
